{"id":2803,"date":"2011-12-09T22:15:13","date_gmt":"2011-12-10T03:15:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.switchingtime.com\/?p=2803"},"modified":"2011-12-09T22:15:13","modified_gmt":"2011-12-10T03:15:13","slug":"karen-answers-linda","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.switchingtime.com\/?p=2803","title":{"rendered":"Karen answers Linda"},"content":{"rendered":"

Comment by Linda on 21 Oct 2011 at 8:05 pm<\/p>\n

Hi Karen,<\/p>\n

I just finished reading your book (and having an epiphany as a result, thank you!) and wanted to comment on your thoughts about hugs. I have been on a similar journey, discovering along the way two or three repressed persons who ultimately integrated (although I can still converse with the girls if I need to). My first therapist (15 years) was a \u201cno-touch\u201d psychiatrist, but while never being touched caused me pain, it did not protect my boundaries; she ended up terminating me with no explanation after acting like an old intimate friend at a community meeting! Years before that, I had figured out I was molested by my mother, and told and wrote her the details about it, but she was so hooked on her own idea of me, she denied the molestation: \u201cMothers don\u2019t do that!\u201d she said. So it\u2019s a good thing she dumped me because otherwise I\u2019d still probably be writing her worshipful letters.<\/p>\n

My second therapist (whom I was also with for about 15 years) is a woman with boundaries of steel. Part of her therapy was \u201creparenting\u201d, giving me a way to imagine and really experience being loved. Part of that therapy was appropriate hugs, and there were times when she held me in her lap and I cried on her shoulder. This was on my request because I felt safe with her. This experience felt really great, but it also helped me realize that it would not fill the holes I had from childhood. Those potholes are still there, but they\u2019ve been thoroughly explored. In some cases, I\u2019ve paved them over, and in other cases I avoid the streets that contain them!<\/p>\n

So I agree with your wish for an appropriate hug. Lack of hugs doesn\u2019t guarantee good boundaries, and the presence of hugs doesn\u2019t have to work against good boundaries IF the therapist is truly whole and integrated herself (or himself), and IF the therapist is comfortable with using that as a healing modality.<\/p>\n

I have written a memoir (based on 17 volumes of single-space typed journals) and revised it ad nauseum. I think your book will give me a way to finally make the last chapter work. You are fortunate to find publication \u2014 I haven\u2019t managed that yet! It seems no one wants to read about molesting mothers!<\/p>\n

Best of luck in the future. From reading about you in the book, I think you are a brave and amazingly resourceful woman with many talents.<\/p>\n

Linda<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Dear Linda,<\/p>\n

I admit, finding a good therapist can be difficult. I truly lucked out in finding Dr. Baer. Though I didn’t know him before the day I set foot in his office.\u00a0 I found there was something in him my alters felt at ease with and could build trust. For us, hugging was not an option; Dr. Baer clearly set that boundary early on and never gave in to my never ending need for a hug. Of course, I felt hurt time and again, but Dr. Baer always had a way of reassuring me that he cared and a hug wasn’t needed to prove it. After integration I continued to long for a hug. I assumed a hug was the necessary connection of feeling “I am accepted and worth it.” I never received that long desired hug until my therapy ended. Of course, a hug does not change or guarantee good boundaries, but it sure felt good to me when I finally did receive one.<\/p>\n

I have developed a close bond with Dr. Baer during my eighteen years of therapy and this bond continues on. Maybe with my being a woman and Dr. Baer a man there was a conflict when it came to hugging. I don’t know. I can’t imagine how my life would be if I received physical comforting during therapy. But I believe that if Dr. Baer had hugged me early in therapy, I may have been confused, felt abused, run out the door and stopped therapy with him. Dr. Baer must’ve known this. I’m glad my therapy provided me with discipline and boundaries set by Dr. Baer. I was a mess and honestly didn’t know what was best for me. I believe Dr. Baer did his best to treat me in the safety of therapy while gaining knowledge about the rare the circumstance of my multiplicity.<\/p>\n

Thank you for sharing your story. I would love to read your book when it\u2019s published! It takes time and many rejections before someone sees the value of stories like ours. Never give up hope! Have faith!<\/p>\n

Karen<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Comment by Linda on 21 Oct 2011 at 8:05 pm Hi Karen, I just finished reading your book (and having an epiphany as a result, thank you!) and wanted to comment on your thoughts about hugs. I have been on a similar journey, discovering along the way two or three repressed persons who ultimately integrated […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2803","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-karens-answers"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.switchingtime.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2803","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.switchingtime.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.switchingtime.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.switchingtime.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.switchingtime.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2803"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.switchingtime.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2803\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2804,"href":"https:\/\/www.switchingtime.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2803\/revisions\/2804"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.switchingtime.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2803"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.switchingtime.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2803"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.switchingtime.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2803"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}