Comment by anonymous author on December 12, 2008 1:30 pm

Hello Karen,

The published version of Switching Time written by Richard Baer didn’t tell the whole story, did it? There must be more? If you were to write this book yourself would it have read the same? How would it differ? What would you eliminate and what would you include? It’s an interesting book but who chose how to represent your story? Was it you or the author, Baer? Was this book written in your best interest? I don’t think so. Has anyone ever asked you for your version? I believe there is another story here, isn’t there?

Anonymous Author

Dear Author,

No, Switching Time doesn’t tell the whole story.  How could it?  Dr. Baer and I spent eighteen years working together to heal me.  It’s impossible to tell all!  And, yes, I would’ve told my story differently. I am not Dr. Baer and not a professional therapist.  I would’ve written Switching Time from a spiritual point of view.  I believe I survived on faith, hope, and love.

During my therapy, while sharing my pain with Dr. Baer, I didn’t focus on him as a doctor or psychiatrist, and I didn’t understand at first what therapy was.  I felt cared for, my alters felt cared for, and that was all that mattered.  I needed to feel this way.  If I would’ve focused on the psychiatric side, I wouldn’t have survived.  I healed strictly by talk therapy after years of building trust in the safety of Dr. Baer’s office.

I would’ve shared my journey much differently.  Dr. Baer told my story from his point of view, from all that I’ve shared with him, written to him, and all that he experienced during his therapeutic relationship with me.  Dr. Baer chose what to include in Switching Time.  I wouldn’t have necessarily shared the same stories.  There are hundreds more I would’ve written.  However, Dr. Baer felt what was shared in the final published version of Switching Time was the best representation of all that we had gone though during my eighteen years of treatment.

No one has ever asked me for my version of life as a multiple, and yes, there is another story here, and some day I would love for it to be heard.

Karen

Comment by Frustrated Nellie on December 7, 2008 4:32 pm

Karen,

I am so darn frustrated. I read your book and spent many hours trying to find how to ask you a question. Isn’t there an easier way. It’s so hard to get to you. I tried the website and came up with thousands of lines of information that didn’t lead me to ask you a question. If it weren’t for my BBF I would’ve said forget it. I almost forgot the question, actually I did. Oh yeah, What makes you so sure you will not dissociate again? What would forewarn you? I can’t buy that integration was complete. It just doesn’t compute? Oh, the book was a definite page turner. I barely put it down long enough to relieve myself.

Love,

Nell

Dear Nell,

I can understand your frustration trying to figure out how to ask me a question through our website.  Dr. Baer and I are currently working on resolving this problem by updating our website so that it will be easily accessible. We hope to have the new site up and running by the end of January. Please come back and visit us again!  I apologize for the frustration, but I’m glad to hear your friend was able to help you.

I surely hope I won’t dissociate again.  It’s been over ten years since my integration was complete and I haven’t dissociated since.  Of course, there may be the possibility that something traumatic could happen to me, but I don’t believe I’ll split off again.  I’ve been through some hard times during the past ten years, but I’ve not once fallen back to the old way of coping through losing time.

I admit, there were a few times when I wished I could switch to an alter again, and felt hopeless when unable to.  But I knew that dissociating would not make things better.  The fact is, losing time, switching into alternate personalities, was extremely exhausting.

Thank you for your compliment on Switching Time being a page-turner!

Karen

Comment by Reformed Scrooge on December 7, 2008 12:12 am

Hi Karen,

This is a shitty time of year, don’t you agree? I hate the holidays, the people, the decorations, the false smiles when unnecessary gifts are exchanged and the annoying carols in every frickin store you enter. I bought your book to read something depressing. Yeah, cheerful me! But do you know what? I found myself not so crabby and excepting of all the people and things that annoy me. I am glad you don’t know me cause youd probably think I’m insane but the Christmas story about the damn tie made me cry. No one, I repeat, no one, no book, had ever made me think of anyone other than myself but Switching Time. I switched into a human. Therefore I am. I think?

Well, Merry Christmas to you and your shrink from a reformed scrooge.

Dear Reformed Scrooge,

Wow! I transformed a Scrooge? How nice of you to think so! However, I believe you transformed yourself because you were really nice all along. Maybe you just needed a gentle reminder, and in reading Switching Time, you found it.

I can understand your pessimism about the holidays. It’s a very stressful time for many of us.  I find myself trying my best to stay cheerful despite the many sad thoughts that come my way. I’m glad the part of my story regarding the Christmas tie my alters gave Dr. Baer touched you. It’s one of my favorite memories of the alters and how much they cared for Dr. Baer. To think, if seventeen alters could come together and agree and find joy in this season of giving, after all the horror they’d experienced, then I believe any one can.

Thank you for making a difference and changing your thoughts about the uniqueness we all share as individuals. Some of us may be funny, annoying, or may even apprear to wear a mask during the holidays, however, that is what makes us each special.

Merry Christmas to you! I am glad to hear from you, especially today, on St. Nicholas’ day! This is like a gift to me. I wish you peace and happiness as you find joy, not only in this season, but always.

Karen

Comment by Gina on December 3, 2008 7:24 pm

Karen,

I will review your book now. It was incredible and fabulous. I never would share this with anyone and will leave saying one thing. Glad you survived to help people. Reading your answers has been a extraordinary worthwhile experience. The book left me weary and now I want to change myself and become the one person who really gives a crap about people in general.

Gina

Dear Gina,

Thank you for your kind thoughts and heartfelt review. I am glad that my answers have been a helpful and worthwhile experience for you.  That is what Dr. Baer and I have hoped for.  It’s always been important for me to bring awareness to all those who hurt. 

I believe you’ve made an important first step to recognize the need to change yourself. Only you, yourself, can make changes.

I wish you all the best,

Karen

Comment by Gertrude on December 1, 2008 10:16 pm

Wie gehts? Karen,

I have read Switching Time, Bruce’s comment and the Women in his office and started thinking what magazine’s advertise the book, any foreign? Did you interview with any? Richard Baer? Where do I find this information? Last question. What magazines do you like to read and if they called you would you let them interview you? I live in America but like to read deutsch. Will there be a book in deutsch?

Jjezt mach ich schluss,
Auf wiedersehn,
Gertrude

Dear Gertrude,

Thank you for reading Switching Time.  Dr. Baer and I have been interviewed in many magazines here in the United States and also in several foreign countries. I believe you can access all these articles through Google.com by entering “Switching Time.”  We have articles in Newsweek, Grazia, Chicago Magazine, and more.  We have also been guests on Good Morning America.  Dr. Baer has been featured on The Mike & Juliet Show, Eye on Chicago, and has given many radio interviews, including National Public Radio and the BBC.

I’m not sure whether our story will be translated into German; a German publisher would have to buy the book.  However, we do have translations in Dutch, Japanese, and Swedish.  We hope to add more.

Regarding my favorite magazine, there are many that I enjoy reading, and I can’t begin to list them all.  However, I subscribe to: More, Oprah, The New Yorker, National Geographic, Travel, Family Circle and a few more.   I would love to be interviewed by my favorite magazines; maybe some day I will.

It is my hope to share my story and help others with their journey.  

Karen

Comment by Acacia on December 3, 2008 3:34 pm

Hi Karen and Richard,

Congratulations on accomplishing a book on what it’s like to be suffering and healing from multiple personality disorder. Who decided to change the name to dissociative identity disorder? To dissociate is one thing, living with multiple personality disorder isn’t the same. All people dissociate to a certain extent but all multiple personality people dissociate to survive. There’s a big difference. Don’t you think?

I am suffering from depression and anxiety from past abuse. I am not going to say I dissociate because I don’t think I do. My question is complicated. While I was being abused I watched myself being abused from the sky.  I was raped repeatedly by an uncle in his backyard on rainy days. I hate the rain because of this. When lightning and thunder strike I fly into a panic attack but don’t dissociate like I did those days I watched from the sky. Is this how you felt when you dissociated? I want to compare what happened to you to what happened to me.

Acacia

Dear Acacia,

I’m not sure why or who changed the term multiple personality disorder to dissociative identity disorder.  I know the words share the same meaning, but Dr. Baer and I felt the old term “multiple personality disorder” defined my illness more than DID.  I believe the word “multiple” refers to more than one distinct personality, whereas “dissociative” seems vague and not as accurate a description of what I had.

I agree and believe as you do that to dissociate is one thing, but to live life as a multiple with a fragmented mind and distinct alternate personalities is something different.  MPD seems more appropriate.  Thank you for sharing your thoughts on MPD. 

I can understand that you don’t believe you have MPD.  There are other possible explanations as to why you “watched” your abuse happening.  I am not a qualified therapist and can’t give advice, but in my opinion, when you experienced being raped, you felt as if you were watching it from above because your mind couldn’t accept that it was you being hurt, and removed you to protect you. This was very similar to my experience of dissociation.

For me, dissociating my pain and abuse meant my experience of pain was removed from my awareness.  I put myself elsewhere so that the direct impact of what was happening to me would feel as if it were happening to someone else, much like watching a movie and seeing something horrible happening but you’re at a safe distance from it.

I can empathize with you when you describe your reactions to rain, thunder, and lightning.  I have also experienced triggered memories that are associated with my past abuse.  As time goes by, most of these triggers disappear.  Sometimes, when a memory is triggered, I may have a nightmare and wake with my heart racing.  Although this doesn’t happen often, it can be debilitating for a few moments. I usually get over it quickly once faced with the reality of today, and the fact that my abuse happened long ago.

Thank you for your compliments! I wish you well.

Karen

Comment by Bruce’s Women Co-Workers on December 1, 2008 9:16 pm

Hi Karen,

You would think Bruce had intelligence to know that we were on to him. We purposely chose to be more chatty just to get to him. We even repeated this web address. You would think after hearing us talk he would have at least not used his real name. Bruce, we know this is you! LOL He’s a man’s man, if you know what I mean? We love him though and this is all in good fun. We think you are one the few survivors whose story had deeply touched us. We women in Bruce’s office think the world of you for sharing you harrowing story with Dr. Baer who in turn shared with the world.

Oh, and by the way, Bruce, we set out those Cosmopolitan magazine’s just for you guys in the office, figured it would educate you men. LOL

Bruce’s Office Women

Dear Office Women, 

What great fun you had with Bruce! I couldn’t help but smile! I appreciate your effort in teaching Bruce and the other men in the office a lesson, as long as it was done in good fun, and it sounds to me as if it was.

Thank you for your kind thoughts and saying I was one of the few who has touched you.  

Dr. Baer and I appreciate each of every one of you.

Karen

Comment by Denise on November 30, 2008 1:27 am

Karen,
Hi. I’ve not read your book. I just came across it on Amazon. And saw your note, to ask you a question, if I wanted to. I think I’m dissociative. No, not think. I am. There are entire years of my life that I don’t remember. Still don’t remember. I’m 35. My mom divorced my “dad” when I was 13. You can guess why. He was not my genetic father. Thank God. I don’t know how sick I’d feel if he were. Sick about who I am. Hmmm… I just am amazed that I’ve seen probably 4 different therapists. All 4 knew about my past & DID never came up. Not once. I just happened upon it. And, the lack of memory really seems to stand out to me. I’ve often thought, how can a person who was considered “gifted” in school have no memory of such huge sections of her childhood? Am I an idiot? Am I losing my mind? Why can’t I remember playing soccer? Why can’t I remember our house on Coral? Such huge gaps. Even though I’m no longer devastated by what happened to me. And, I know my value is my value and what happened to me has no impact. But, I still can’t recover those memories. Then, when I got married, my mother wanted me to forgive him & invite him to my wedding. Unbelievable. Now, I can’t trust her. She’s my mom.. hm. I can’t trust her with my most fragile parts. That’s horrible. anyway, I have so much more to say. But, enough for now, I think. I think I need to find a therapist who specializes in dissociation. How will I know when I’m “healed?” Normal? Over this? Is this why I have so many highs & lows? I’m happy. Mostly. Then, down. For no reason. Is this why?

Dear Denise,

I appreciate you sharing all that you have before reading Switching Time. Please share your thoughts here afterwards. I can understand all of your concerns whether you are dissociative or not, and why no doctor has diagnosed you as having a dissociative illness when that could explain your distress. It would take a skilled therapist to determine what type of dissociation you have or whether there’s another reason why you can’t recall details of your past.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself, the right therapist is out there somewhere, you just need to find him or her.  I’m sorry you had to go through four therapists already. Having a diagnosis isn’t as important as keeping consistency in a safe therapeutic setting with a qualified therapist, building trust, and taking care of yourself.

I can empathize with your frustrations regarding your lack of memory despite being a gifted child. I, too, felt confused as to why I couldn’t remember how I managed to play the clarinet, oboe, bassoon and saxophone. The only knowledge I regained was in the awards I received, the documentation of what I had accomplished, and the pictures of me in my high school yearbooks, that prove I was there.

Please know that if you are suffering from MPD or DID, you will eventually regain all your lost memories. I did, but not before integration of my alternate personalities was complete and I became one woman. Unfortunately, although all my memories returned, I didn’t regain all my physical skills. I temporarily lost my ability to type, play musical instruments, paint, and drive. I gained the driving part immediately; that was shared by several alters, but I haven’t tried to master anything else. I’m looking forward to the possibility of regaining my ability to accomplish these things again someday.

My mother caused much chaos for me, too. However, my relationship with my mother was only one part of my failure to thrive. You will know you are on the right path to healing when you accept your past and deal with all the emotions that cause your distress. When the healing begins, your highs and lows should lessen, and you will start to feel more confident as your self esteem rises.

I am not a therapist and can’t give advice. In my opinion, it sounds like only you and a qualified therapist can work through the web of hurts you’ve shared here. Please don’t give up, and continue to search for the therapist that’s right for you. I wish you a safe journey.

Karen

Comment by Caroline Jane on November 29, 2008 7:24 pm

I am thankful you share a lot about yourself to help others and just like Annie I get depressed and think of you and all you went through. I get very teary eyed when I think of you and have a lot of questions. I have a few questions most of the rest of my questions were answered in your other answers. I can’t begin to explain how much it means to me to know you through your story. Can you share how life as a Chicago southsider in Catholic school was for you? Were you involved in sports and activities in your school? How were your relationships with the nuns? Are any of them still alive? What do you remember about Catholic school and the church? Are you still Catholic? Do you still go to mass at the same church?

Caroline Jane

Dear Caroline Jane,

Thank you for your kind thoughts on my answering questions.  I truly hope that my answers are of some help to those who also suffer from depression and life changes.  I’m glad to hear that most of your questions were answered through my blog, and you can ask more questions here as they come to mind.  Sharing my story is my way of helping others.  I believe we all need help, and by sharing, we all learn from each other. I continue to learn more every day.

Being a Chicago southside Catholic school girl for nine years was a mixed blessing.  I loved school and rarely missed a day unless I was sick or hospitalized, but I wasn’t allowed to form many friendships. Nevertheless, attending school was my escape.  The Catholic school I attended felt safe to me, at least it was the one place I didn’t feel threatened, because my abusers couldn’t get to me.  During these years, my teachers and most of the nuns who taught me treated me well and tried to provide comfort in their own way. 

Although I rarely shared that I was being abused at home, I believe some nuns may have suspected I was. Unfortunately, their ignorance about abuse allowed them to ignore signs that were clearly visible.  It would’ve been nice if there was more known about what signs to watch for in children suspected of being abused.  I believe I may have switched into my alters Elise, Claire, or Ann during school.

I’m not sure if the nuns that once taught me are still alive.  They were in their mid forties or fifties, forty years ago.  I’ve thought of a few of them and wondered myself.  I have made my peace with them.

The Catholic school I attended was small, and all extra activities such as sports, cheerleading, and band were cancelled when I was in the third grade. I remember how sad all of us students were that year. Most of the activities and peaceful memories I enjoyed were gained from the neighborhood park district where I spent most of my time after school, before my father came home from work.

Thank you for taking such an interest in my school days.  I have no ill feelings against the Catholic Church; I was abused by people, not the religion.  I no longer attend the same parish.  I have long since moved from that area and have no desire to go back.

Karen

Comment by Mr & Mrs Bennett on November 29, 2008 3:45 pm

dear karen,

in the event of further abuse reported by a child after being taken away once. this child claims to be other people and misled her teachers into believing we, her adoptive parents are abusing her. she was returned after admitting she lied for attention. now she threatens us by claiming to be dissociative, claims we hurt other parts of her and says she will report us. she is fifteen. did you know you were the way you are at fifteen. my husband and i adopted her when she was five years old. she always was difficult. we love her. now she’s changed. when did you change?

Mr & Mrs Bennett

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Bennett,

Thank you for choosing to write to me. I will try to answer your questions the best way I can, however, I am not a qualified therapist and can’t give advice. Clearly something’s up with your adoptive daughter, and she may not even know herself why she feels the way she does or why she is accusing the both of you. From my experience, as a multiple, I was in fear of being labeled and put away, and there were many times I doubted myself. If your adoptive daughter was abused before you adopted her, I believe she, or if she’s a multiple, some part of her, may believe you are the parents who originally abused her.

I believe your daughter may be afraid of her own thoughts and past resurfaced memories. She may be remembering the abuse too quickly and is in rage. What’s most important is that she is told the truth: that you and your husband didn’t hurt her. Now that she’s back she will need professional help and your support. I believe she may not understand that she is manipulating you when she threatens to report you. I believe this because I once felt the same fear and misunderstood my own actions.

At fifteen years old, I already knew something was wrong with me. I felt awkward all my life and knew it was in my best interest to keep secrets. I knew I lost time. I just didn’t know what it was called or that it was an illness.  At the time, I had never heard of dissociation. All I knew was I had large gaps in my memory. I didn’t realize how special I was until my life started crumbling at the age of twenty five. Please don’t wait so long, seek help for her now.

I admire both of you for taking on an emotionally disturbed five year old. I can tell you love her and want what’s best for her.  Your daughter is only fifteen, and you have taken care of her for ten years now. When you add the possibility of a dissociative disorder onto the change she is experiencing during puberty, it must create enormous challenges. I believe consistency will help. Please continue to seek help with a proper qualified therapist, tell your daughter you love her and will be there for her if she falls.

I wish your family well,

Karen