Comment by Marilyn on October 31, 2008 6:50 pm

Dear Karen,

I feel so sad for you. I don’t know you but you must be petrified with Halloween and the memories triggered. I read you completed therapy but can’t imagine how you did when I could throw up just thinking about what you went through. How could you give out treats today? Can’t someone else do it?

Marilyn

Dear Marilyn,

How nice of you to think of me on this day.  I appreciated your concern, but there is no need to feel sad for me.  I am not petrified of the Halloween holiday. I no longer experience the pain I once suffered when this date triggered horrific memories. I actually enjoy the children dressing up in costumes and passing out candy treats to all the trick or treaters!  I will never again allow myself to live in fear of those who wronged me.  My horrific memories of abuse, once suffered on this day, were put to rest in the same way my abusers were—they are dead.  Besides, it’s much better to be a part of this day than to hide from it!

Happy Halloween!

Karen

Comment by Jessica Lynn on October 31, 2008 7:09 pm

Boo!

Happy Halloween!

Jessica Lynn

Dear Jessica Lynn,

Ditto!

Have a great day!

Karen

Comment by Dr. A.J.K. on October 29, 2008 4:54 pm

This is an amazing book of one doctor and one patient. It’s one of a kind, never has there been anything written such as this story. A truly remarkable addition to every psychology student and professor’s library. All who read will be taken on a once in a lifetime journey to the inner workings of the mind of one multiple personality patient and the mind of her therapist. A beautifully intense read. This book proves there are doctors who take the extra steps and do the right thing by taking on an extreme case, holding the rein and not letting go. As for Karen, what a patient to not let go and give up on the therapy. In the psych. world not many can tolerate such intensity for so many needed years of psychoanalytic based sessions. Unbelievable and worth reading!

Dear Dr. A.J.K.,

Thank you so much for your review!  Dr. Baer and I truly appreciate all of your kind thoughts, medically profound comments, enthusiasm and compliments.

You have made our day!

Karen

Comment by Madelyn on October 29, 2008 2:31 am

Karen,

I am in shock of all that you suffered as a child. When reading Switching Time and other articles on you I couldn’t believe how insensitive your mother was. Did she not love you? I would like to ask you a difficult question. Did you ever wish you would’ve died from the tumor on you head? How big was your tumor and did it cover your entire face making you look unlovable? Do you have a huge scar that is still visible? When you were a child and ill all the time what kind of illnesses did you have? As a child that lost time do you think your illnesses were from being abused or regular child illnesses? Do you think you would’ve been abused if your were a well child? You are the strongest woman I ever read about.

Madelyn

Dear Madelyn,

I believe the reason my mother was insensitive to my needs was because by ignoring me she didn’t need to deal with the reality of what was happening to me and protected herself.  My mother avoided all signs of the distress I was experiencing in order to believe she was a perfect mother.  My mother always kept things clean, baked, and worked at a job that kept her away five evenings a week.  My mother wasn’t there for me during the hours I was being abused.  I believe my mother loved me in her own way but was unable to express any real emotions.  She never hugged me or said she loved me.

The tumor I had was removed when I was two or three years old.  I can remember the hospital, my crib, my doll, but not the humiliation my mother and father felt when people stared. The tumor covered most of my eye, protruded about two inches, and was between the size of a golf and tennis ball. It wasn’t a pretty sight, but I don’t believe I was abused because of the way I looked.  I still have a scar, but now it’s only slightly visible.

I may have gone through more childhood illnesses than most children do.  Some of my illnesses may have been caused from being abused.  I really don’t know.  Not being a well child wasn’t reason to be abused.  My abusers didn’t care whether I was well or not.  In their minds I was vulnerable, available to them, with no one to protect me.

Karen

Comment by Danielle Leigh on October 28, 2008 3:52 pm

Dear Karen,

Thank you for sharing your story. I complain a lot. I am privileged. I would never comprehend things like this happening in the world. My teacher had our class read your book. I didn’t want to but for a grade had to. I am inspired by you. I shall not complain again. I am so lucky never to have experienced a life like yours. I am eighteen and haven’t made any effort to learn about life. I am a freshman in college. Mom and Dad pay for everything, I am set for life and the worst memory I had in life so far was my parents not buying me a car at sixteen. I felt abuse for this? Imagine that? I did receive my car at seventeen. My problems can’t be worse than yours but I told people they are horrible selfish parents. I guess I was wrong. I am very lucky my parents gave me everything including a wonderful childhood. This book woke me up. I hate that I am privileged. I decided to change my way of controlling my parents to get what I want.

Did you have nice things growing up? Did you receive things you wanted? Did your parents buy you things for being guilty? How about nice clothes? I could never survive what you did. You are my hero.

Danielle Leigh

Dear Danielle Leigh,

I appreciate you sharing your story and how you became more aware of your own life through reading Switching Time. As a college freshman you’re starting your own personal journey, and you will experience many different relationships in your lifetime.  At sixteen you felt abused by not receiving a car.  Of course, this was an illusion.  In my opinion, having these feelings are okay and changing the way you feel as you look back at these experiences means you have matured.

I can understand your underlying feelings of guilt having told others that your parents were horrible and selfish.  Don’t be too hard on yourself; it’s all a part of growing up.  I believe that now you’re sorting it all out.  It’s nice to hear that you came to appreciate your parents, and that you will no longer try to control them.  This is an amazing sign of maturity.  I am glad my story was helpful.  I wish you all the best.

During my childhood there weren’t as many things for kids to get as there are today.  There were no cell phones, iPods, or laptop computers.  I lived a simple life.  I attended catholic school, came home and watched television, did my homework, and soon it was bedtime.  I had a doll or two, but I never had any designer clothing and never asked for anything. I read books from the library. I never went to a movie theater until I was eighteen.  My parents never bought me things out of guilt, but my father would buy my mother material things to make up after he’d hurt her.

Thank you for letting me inspire you; that was very touching and I truly appreciate your compliment.

Karen

Comment by Long distance friend on October 28, 2008 3:44 pm

Dear “Karen”,

I wanted to thank you for giving me “Switching Time”. There are some elements in it that shed new light on my own life. The specificness of your memories are like what his memories are. My memories are much more impressionistic. The writing style you have allowed me to step outside of myself at a time when I really needed a break from my inside management. I love you even more now!

Some favorite moments:

I could relate when Holdon was saying how stressed he was trying to keep things functioning. The constant worry that someone inside would ‘out them’. The disputes about who was going to do what.. and the inevitable prefernces of someone who preferred to be ‘out’ or ‘in’. The gender issues when someone knew they were the opposite gender of the body and how frustrating that was.

When you found the tie to give to D. Baer.

Agreement is so precious. To find something that everyone liked and appreciated is such a treasure. What it made me do was enjoy all over again, the wonderful gifts you gave me and the girls. How completely appropriate… how full of love and appreciation. *smile* I get all teary just remembering all over again.

The ending

That’s the you I’ve met. The one after all the tears and stress and challenge of healing. I can enjoy you more now because I wouldn’t have had the chance to meet all the ones who kept you safe all those years. And I can appreciate you more because I’ve been blessed with healing too. I know the struggle to keep it all together and the bewilderment and the weariness of getting from one day to the next.

Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.

*hugs*

Dear Friend,

I am happy to hear that my story has touched you and has shed some new light into your own life.  I also appreciate you sharing your favorite parts of Switching Time.  It’s really nice to hear you paid attention to all the little details that made my alters come to life and be experienced as they really were.  I am amazed at how well you understand my overall experience.

Thank you so much for sharing your warm thoughts of my journey with Dr. Baer.  Thank you for bringing a smile to my face and believing in me. I am blessed to know you, too!

Karen

Comment by Karla W on October 28, 2008 11:25 am

Hi Karen!

This is great, you providing insight to your life before and after integration. I loved the mind tease your book gave me. It’s so interesting to read about how your mind set you up for survival purposes. I have these questions regarding memory. Do you believe in false memory syndrome and the possibilty it might have pertained to you? I don’t see anything that would suggest this and know how trauma experienced can make an dent in your mind. How would you explain your remembering all the details so vividly? Is this unusual or talent? Also how has your memory been seen integration? Do you have lapses or continue to remember all?

Thank you,

Karla W.

Dear Karla,

I have heard of false memory syndrome, but in my case this isn’t so.  Unfortunately, I can remember the details of all that happened to me because of the traumatic nature of each abusive episode.  My alters kept most of my life fragmented until integration when each alter’s memory fragments combined to become complete memories for me.  I am clear about all that happened to me and have verified much of it.

I’m not sure how to explain how I remember so much.  I wish I couldn’t.  What I do know is my mind never stops recalling, thinking, and processing information.  My mother and grandmother have amazing memories, and told stories of all that had happened in each of their lives during their childhoods and the war.  Until the day my grandmother passed, at age 98, she was fully aware of her surroundings, had an amazing memory, would recite poems, and shared her childhood stories in vivid detail.  I guess in runs in the family.

Since integration, I remember all of my past, but I don’t have a very good sense of the passage of time.  For me, all that I’ve experienced and known continues to feel as if it wasn’t that long ago that I suffered.  I don’t think of these bad times on a daily basis, but much of the past continues to be triggered at inconvenient times.  These moments pass very quickly, but during the moment may overwhelm me.   I continue to work on trying to understand the passage of time.  I wish I could forget the past. Then again, I am who I am, which includes me and all my past memories.

Thank you for your interesting questions,

Karen

Comment by Pissed off Barry on October 28, 2008 2:30 am

Karen, you have every right to label this guy a child molester because he IS and WAS convicted of it. I am grateful this freak wrote in. It was so weird but helpful reading what his thoughts were about. He assumes he’s ok? This weirdo doesn’t even feel remorse. Let him write a hundred times so we can learn about the minds of molesters. Thank you Karen for answering CM even though you were too easy. I would like to read that you call him worse. Don’t be nice to him. Tell him off!

Hey, Child Molester, What area do you reside in? I sure would like to know? If you ever think of doing something like hurting another child, do us all a favor and report yourself. Why did you read Karen’s book, for your own sick pleasure?

Pissed off Barry

Dear Barry,

I appreciate that you agree with my addressing Male 3 as a child molester.  I felt justified because he is a convicted child molester.  In a way, I was glad that he wrote in, too.  This way, those who read this blog can understand better the mindset of a child molester and see how there is no remorse or guilt.  This child molester, in particular, doesn’t seem to show remorse even after spending five years in prison for his crime.  I can understand your not wanting me to be nice to people like him and wish for me to tell him off.  However, this man needs professional help, which I cannot provide.

Regarding your message to this child molester, hopefully he will read your comment here.

Karen

Comment by David on October 27, 2008 3:42 am

Karen,

Were you drugged before abused? If you were what do you think you were given? I read Switching Time and was absolutely engrossed in your life. I canʼt imagine how you went from one point to the next. You mustʼve been drugged and if the alters were to protect you why didnʼt they? Why did you go willingly and why didnʼt your alters hide you or fight back? If you couldnʼt what made you not kill them any chance you had? I donʼt get it? I wouldʼve killed them all the moment I had a chance. Perverts need to be destroyed. Do you think they received their just reward?

David

Dear David,

I’m not sure whether I was drugged before being abused.  I may have been, but I lost time and slipped into an altered state of mind.  My alters were created for the sole purpose of sparing me from the horrific trauma and experiences I endured.  I may have been drugged afterwards.

Why did I go willingly with my abusers?  I was a child; how could I foresee what would happen?  My alters were created to protect me.  They were within me and could not prevent what happened; all they could do was take control and endure the pain for me.  My alters kept the rest of me unavailable during the worst of the worst abuse.

I can understand why you would imagine killing those who might have hurt you.  This is not who I am.  I couldn’t kill anyone.  However, I did think about it.  You are right, perverts need to be done away with, but it’s not in my nature to take this task into my own hands.  I will leave this to the justice system, or better yet, God.  In the end, all those who have abused me, as well as all God’s children, will receive their just rewards.

Thank you for your questions,

Karen

Comment by The Stampede on October 27, 2008 12:32 pm

Dear Karen,

Like many others I was diagnosed about six years ago. My husband and I have been dealing with it together for the last two years. It has been a tough road for me. I am just an alter who was created just for the sole purpose to have a “normal life”. (Whatever normal is) I functioned remarkably good for eight years. Once my father passed away my internal world that I didn’t know existed came crashing in. I was diagnosed not long after that and have been in therapy every since.

I now have a wonderful therapist after many tries and am grateful. The problem now is I want my own life but insiders say I am not ready for integration. I am so mentally exhausted and physically drained. I don’t know that I can see it through. I feel that I may never intergrate because I have such a complex system.

I struggle with the horrific memories I recieve these days and I in good moral feel my alters even though did what they did to survive are wrong. It makes me question my religion. I fight with if I will go to heaven or hell when I die.

The reason I am telling you all of this is because I feel like you know what I am going through. This is the first time that I see my struggles in black and white and I feel they are real. There are some days I just feel it isn’t real and any mintue this horrible dream will be over. It isn’t though, I never wake up.

How did you find the strength? I find most of my strength in wanting to be here to watch my sons grow up. I just worry that will not be enough strength to get me through the rest of my journey. I have so many more miles to travel and I am down to a mere crawl. Thank you for Listening.

Dear Stampede,

Thank you for sharing your story.  I totally understand all that you’ve written.  I also had  alters who kept my life as “normal” as possible.  This is how I survived each day.  My alters were born to keep the trauma separate from my everyday life.  I can understand how your father’s death triggered chaos.  My system became chaotic at the birth of my daughter during a cesarean section.  Unfortunately, like you, my past came flooding back and knocked me down. It took many years to get back up, and I did.

In time, as your alters accept therapy and achieve trust with your therapist, I think you will start to change and integration may finally happen. It took many years, actually nine years before my integration was completed.  Dr. Baer had to get each alter on board.  It was exhausting, mentally and physically. However, with you finding the right therapist, I have faith you will make it through.  Having patience is hard but necessary for your alters to gain the strength needed before integration can be accomplished. Please have faith and don’t give up. I fought against the inconceivable and you can too!

I found strength in journaling, accepting my past, and releasing most of my pain.  I fed off Dr. Baer’s strength until I could manage to build strength of my own.  I admit, seeing my story in black and white was therapeutic.  I had journaled all through my life, and my written words were a necessary part of my healing. I thought of my journaling as venting my anger  and my pain became less of a burden for me to carry, and being less of a burden, I was able to function better.

I wish you inner peace and a sense of calm as you continue your journey to wholeness.

Karen

Stampede also writes this to the Child Molester.

Comment by The Stampede on October 27, 2008 12:59 pm

Child Molestor,

You are a very sick man. No child ever asks to be abused. No little girl or boy ever asks for it to just happen to them. They aren’t standing in a line with their hand raised in hopes someone will pick them to hurt them and break their faith in a good human existance.

I feel if you rehabilitated yourself you need to allow someone else to help you, a professional would be wise, because you didn’t do the job. I worked in a group home for perpetrators and I honestly believe that perpetrators can be rehabilitated but it requires a lot of hard work and revising your thinking. You clearly are one of the ones that has been rehabilitate thus far. I am not saying you won’t ever be, but at this moment in your life, you need to be real with yourself because you aren’t rehabilitated.