Comment by Crystalyn on October 13, 2008 1:53 pm
Dear Karen,

My daughter age 11 told me my husband, her stepfather verbally teases her in ways that make her feel badly. I talked with her and she said he never touched her. I do not want to excuse this or accuse my husband of wrong doing but do you believe this is a prewarning to something sexual? My daughter is starting to enter puberty and with so many changes happening I worry.. I read your book in my readers group and felt nauseated that no one saw any signs. I am not a paranoid person. I’ve become aware just like you wish all of us parents to be. Were you teased as a child in a sexual way?

Crystalyn M.

Dear Crystalyn,

It’s good to hear your daughter came to you and shared with you that she feels ill at ease with your husband’s teasing. I think it’s not okay if this teasing brings on bad feelings. Although you didn’t mention whether this teasing was sexual in nature, I assume it may be at least suggestive. If this is a pre-warning sign, you shouldn’t take it lightly. I am not a professional and can’t give advice, but you really need to talk to your husband about this and let him know this teasing is not welcome or appropriate.

As a child, yes, I was constantly teased in an inappropriately sexual way–too many times to mention here. Your daughter is very brave to come to you. Be proud of her for doing this. At eleven, your daughter’s body is starting to change and she may feel awkward about what’s happening to her. She could be sensitive to any sexually suggestive comments and they could harm her self esteem. Please keep the lines of communication open with her and your husband. It’s your responsibility to keep your daughter safe.

Now that she’s come to you in confidence and made you aware, it’s your job to do the right thing. You can make the difference.

Thank you for caring,

Karen

Comment by Denise on October 12, 2008 2:46 pm
Hi Karen,

When you were in therapy what would happen if your therapist wasn’t there when you arrived? Would your alters ruin things for you because of him? I have been going to therapy for over three years and diagnosed with DID. My therapist is always late and I am beginning to hate him. I get so frustrated that when he finally shows up I can’t speak or forgot what I wanted to discuss. I write notes to myself to help. I may quit. Any comments that could help me? I hate thinking of starting again. My alters don’t care at least this is what my therapist told me. I don’t even think I have alters. Maybe I am being played by him. He keeps telling me I need to come more but one a week is enough aggravation. My therapist thinks more of himself than me. I wish my therapist was like yours because you were lucky, mine causes me grief. Do you know of any good doctors in the South Bend area?

Thank you for this story. It will help me more than my therapist.

Denise

Dear Denise,

I’m sorry to hear that your therapist doesn’t respect you. In order to build trust, there must be mutual respect between both therapist and patient. I believe lateness, especially if consistant, is a sign of disrespect. I was fortunate that Dr. Baer respected me and never left me feeling frustration and anger because of lateness. I believe Dr. Baer knew how fragile my alters and I could be if he weren’t there on time. I am grateful that in the eighteen years of therapy, Dr. Baer may have been five minutes late twice, and each time, he called me.

Therapy in itself can be emotionally draining. Adding the stress of lateness to any therapeutic relationship must be dealt with. I suggest you share these feelings of distress, frustration, and the fact his lateness is preventing you from working through your own sense of well being, with your therapist. And if this issue doesn’t resolve, then maybe it’s best to search for someone who better suits your needs. I’m sure there are many good therapists in the South Bend area. What’s most important is finding the right therapist for you.

I’m concerned that you’re not sure whether or not you have alters and that your doctor believes you need more therapy than once a week. This is a much bigger issue than his lateness. Have you discussed this diagnosis with him? I am not a therapist, but what you shared with me doesn’t sound right. Please seek another opinion if you can. Therapists can suggest the presence of alters to patients when none exist. This is a danger; if this is the case with you, find a qualified therapist. Try contacting the state psychiatric society for a referral.

I wish you all the best in your journey to wellness,

Karen

Comment by Concerned Mom on October 11, 2008 11:11 pm
Dear Karen,

If you had an opportunity to teach young girls what you have learned from your life experiences, what would you tell them? I need help in what to teach my three daughters.

Thank you,
Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned Mom,

I would love to teach young girls how to be aware of their surroundings, be cautious of the relationships they chose, and to use their instincts when something doesn’t feels appropriate or comfortable. But I can only voice my own opinions from my own personal experiences. I wish to share my story with adults, especially parental figures, to bring awareness to the possibilities of what can happen to young girls if they are not carefully looked after. There are visible signs that sadly are left ignored. These signs may be subtle, but they are there. I believe that we all should keep the lines of communication open with our children.

In my case, no one paid attention to me, and I had obvious signs: headaches, sadness, isolation, crying in my sleep, sleep walking, feelings of inadequacy, shame, guilt, and losing time. What child loses time and forgets certain things? This should’ve been a warning to all the adults who once were a part of my life, including teachers, extended family, and neighbors.

I may never understand why no one cared enough to intervene and help me. As parents we must never ignore anything.

In sharing my story here in this blog, it is my hope that through my experiences, opinions, and suggestions, it brings awareness to the possibilities that can occur if we, as adults, don’t take time to care for our children

Thank you for wishing to teach your girls how to be safe.

My best wishes to you and your family,

Karen

Comment by Julia on October 10, 2008 12:57 pm
Hi,

What is your favorite color? favorite candy? favorite fast food restaurant? favorite actress/actor? favorite car? favorite homecooked meal? favorite old movie? I am in highschool and read your book after my mom left it on the table. I don’t know that she’d approve I read it but it’s too late. My mom never reads books and she did yours. When she finished she took a deep breath and cried. I asked her why and she said you were the most inspiring woman she read about and took my sister and I out to dinner. All she kept saying was you girls would tell me if anyone ever hurts you wouldn’t you? My sister jenny and me said yes but I still didn’t understand. I think I know why? I am fifteen.

Julia

Dear Julia,

Thank you for sharing that you read Switching Time. At fifteen, this story must’ve disturbed you. Please, please, tell your mom that you read this book and discuss your feelings with her. Being a mom myself, I would want to know that my daughter read this book, how she felt, and what was on her mind. I can understand why this book interested you. Afterall, your mother said encouraging words by saying I am the most inspiring woman she’s read about. I, too, would’ve wanted to read a book that brought a sigh, tears, and inspiration to my mother.

My story may be too harsh for you to understand since you are just starting to form new relationships. Of course, not all girls are abused as I was. It’s my wish to help adults, like your mother, to pay attention to their children. This could be why your Mom asked you if you would tell her if someone hurt you. It’s nice your Mom took you out to dinner to talk; this makes me happy to hear. She loves you and your sister and is grateful that you girls are happy well.

About my favorites, I have many favorites, but some are the color red, dark chocolate, Panera Bread, a car that runs, Meryl Streep, Susan Sarandon, Diane Keaton, Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, Richard Gere, Colin Firth, all home cooked meals that someone invites me to, and the movie “While You Were Sleeping”, to name a few…

Wishing you all the best in life,

Karen

Comment by Roberta K. on October 10, 2008 12:39 pm
Dear Karen,

Have you ever been in love with anyone since integration? I found a copy of this book in the library and read it with awe. In times like this when so much sadness reaches each of our lives in some shape or form it was an awakening to read about a true life struggle as yours. It has me believing in life more than ever. Who are we? What do we need to survive? What really is important to each of us? What is in each of us that causes us to feel lost? If you gave up what would your reason be? As we enter difficult times we all need to think back to why we are here? I pray you have found someone to love you. Love at this time is of utmost importance.

The best to you and yours,
Roberta K.

Dear Roberta,

I’m glad to hear you believe in life more than ever. It’s true there is much sadness in the world these days. It’s important we each do our part to change this sadness into temporary moments of gladness. Staying optimistic may be hard, but it’s possible. Real life is a struggle for everyone. I believe we all wish to live in fantasy where everything is perfect and nothing ever goes wrong. We can do this in our dreams and try to bring these wonderful feelings into play, but this is not being realistic.

Why are we all here? I believe in being here for friends during good and bad times, in finding peace, happiness, faith, and most importantly, God’s love. Without these things, each of us will feel lost.

I admit there have been times I felt like giving up, and it’s at these times I need to really think about all that I am grateful for. It’s at these times I need more strength than usual. And it’s also at these times I need to be realistic about what is weighing me down. It’s so easy to give up and not so easy to admit there is a problem that needs immediate attention. Once I understand why I felt the way I did, and deal with it, I’m usually okay. If not, I ask for help.

Wishing you a sense of calm during these difficult times,

Karen

Comment by Faith on October 11, 2008 2:11 am
Hi Karen,

Thank you for sharing your life with us and your doctor. I couldn’t put the book down. It was very intense. Dr. Baer did a great job taking care of all of you. I am fortunate never to have been abused. I can’t imagine how painful your life has been. The story was so real I actually felt your pain while reading it. If you can, please describe what kind of father you had? When you were young what did you dream?

Love,
Faith

Dear Faith,

Thank you all of your compliments! Sharing my story with Dr. Baer first, and then in our book, Switching Time, has been quite an intense journey. Sharing my past wasn’t easy, but it was definitely therapeutic. Accepting all that had happened to me and learning to live in the present for the first time has been a journey all its own. And yes, Dr. Baer always did a great job taking care of me and continues to try his best.

My story is a true story. Unfortunately, these type of stories are rarely discussed. Therefore I try to share. Awareness is important. My life has been painful, and it is my hope it’s never too late to make a difference.

I would describe my father as a cross between Archie Bunker and the real life murderer John Wayne Gacy. As a child, I dreamt that I would someday find someone who really loved me and who would take me away from my family. I dreamt of being happy, traveling around the world to the many places I’d read about, and be surrounded by beauty, peace and meeting nice people.

Thank you for your questions,

Karen

Comment by Male on October 11, 2008 12:36 am
Being that you were sexually abused as a child why didn’t you turn to a life of prostitution? How did you prevent it? Don’t abuse victims turn out to be promiscuous? Did you do drugs and alcohol? Were men attracted to you? In the book Richard Baer said you were fat, frumpy, boring and unattractive, if this was the case why were you abused? I spent time in prison for abusing a pretty child. I am sorry for what I did and paid for it with five years of my life. If this child was not pleasing to my eyes there’d be no abuse. Parents should never leave flirtatious pretty girls who tease men unattended or in the care of any adult male.

Male

Dear Child Molester,

How dare you ask these questions? These questions will offend all who read them. Five years in prison wasn’t enough and hasn’t taught you much. I thought prison rehabilitated men like you? No child should ever be abused. I sure hope you are not living near children. Children may appear to be flirtatious but they are not, they are innocent, looking for love and approval, and it is the responsibility of all adults to take care of children. A child who becomes a victim at the hands of a predator is not to be blamed. Do you realize what you have done? You stole a child’s innocence, spirit, and life. You hurt her. I pray she is receiving help. I pray she knows what you’ve done was not her fault. I pray she finds inner peace.

Your thoughts on sexually abused children are disgusting. Not all children will fall into promiscuity, drugs or alcoholism. While it is true that many women who are prostitutes were abused as young girls, that doesn’t mean all abused girls will become prostitutes. I regret not telling someone what happened to me, and pray that through sharing my story adults will pay close attention to all children.

I don’t recall Dr. Baer describing me by the words you chose. You’ve distorted everything to serve your own ideas.

Karen

Comment by Colin, UK on October 9, 2008 3:14 pm
To Karen,

In spite of all the world troubles nowadays how do you manage to live with outside problems, realizing after the survival of your inner traumatic world was a success? The world’s a mess. Do you sometimes think life on the outside is worse than inside?

A Life in Pieces, is marvelously written.

Good Day!
Colin, UK

Dear Colin,

I know the world appears to be in trouble these days. And I admit it’s difficult for me to manage some of the terror I hear and see in the news. I am just like everyone else. I grieve and am saddened by it all. What I do to help myself get through these difficult world times is to try my best to stay optimistic in pessimistic surroundings. My personality is one that wishes to save the world one act of kindness at a time. This is who I am. So, yes, most definitely, tragedy affects me. I pray for peace.

Regarding my inner world. Originally, my inner world was nothing more than alter chaos. My inner world could not be compared to the outside world. The real world might appear to be a mess, but my inner world was worse. I was filled with grief, turmoil, pain, depression, shame, guilt, nightmares and worse. In the real world, people can make a difference and change things. As a child, living in my inner world, I was stuck in torment. As an adult, I no longer live imprisoned within my mind. I am free to live my life.

Thank you for your questions and compliment on Switching Time (UK title, A Life in Pieces) being marvelously written.

Karen

Comment by Rosemary on October 9, 2008 1:51 am
Dear Karen,

Congratulations on surviving an horrific childhood and being able to share your experiences in the book and here as people need to ask questions. MPD may not fit into the question I have, but there must be similarities to other depressive illnesses that you can understand. I am not one to ever feel depressed until now. I just turned 55 and feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Could it be because most people suffer from depression in the autumn months? Do you ever feel this way? My physician told me once someone suffers from depression it can be life long. Do you suffer from depression? I had thoughts of ending my life recently and as I read your story and this blog I know my life has been wonderful compared to what you went through. I am glad to know you through your writing. I am one of the woman who really did benefit. Thank you for not pretending to be perfect and admitting that you still have bad days. Women need to hear from real women like you.

The best to you and yours and to your compassionate doctor friend,

Rosemary

Dear Rosemary,

Thank you! I am glad to be able to share my experiences and answer questions. However, I am not a therapist and can only share my own personal thoughts and experiences. Surviving a horrific childhood, with MPD, doesn’t take away the fact that at times I also suffered from depression. After many years of therapy my episodes now are usually brief and last no longer than the problem at hand. During therapy I learned how to deal with these episodes. I have heard of seasonal affective disorder (S.A.D.) but am not sure if this was one of the reasons I suffered.

I’m glad my story inspired your own healing. It’s nice to hear encouraging compliments, but reading Switching Time is not a cure. Please be sure to seek professional help for your depressed and suicidal thoughts, even though you felt reading this book may have been a benefit to you. Your life is precious and these thoughts you’re struggling with may come back again. It’s important to understand where these thoughts were coming from. There are times when all of us need to reach out for help.

Please ask for help if you need to. I do.

All my best,

Karen

Comment by Cynthia on October 9, 2008 6:23 pm
Dear Karen, I was just wondering if you ever had a favorite stuffed animal. doll. or toy that brought you a sense of comfort as a child? I know this may sound silly, but I still have this one stuffed animal that I still hold close at night just to be able to fall asleep …Thank you again for answering all my questions. Blessings to you.

~~Cynthia

Dear Cynthia,

No, I never had any one particular stuffed animal that brought me comfort. As a matter of fact, if I appeared to be attached to any one toy, it was not only taken away from me, but destroyed. I learned early on that the only comfort I could have as a child would need to be invisible, kept hidden, and come from within myself in the form of fantasy, make believe, or thought. As I grew older, I kept some items hidden in a box, none of which were soft and cuddly, and these items were meant for my protection only.

Thank you for your question,

Karen