Comment by Bruce’s Women Co-Workers on December 1, 2008 9:16 pm

Hi Karen,

You would think Bruce had intelligence to know that we were on to him. We purposely chose to be more chatty just to get to him. We even repeated this web address. You would think after hearing us talk he would have at least not used his real name. Bruce, we know this is you! LOL He’s a man’s man, if you know what I mean? We love him though and this is all in good fun. We think you are one the few survivors whose story had deeply touched us. We women in Bruce’s office think the world of you for sharing you harrowing story with Dr. Baer who in turn shared with the world.

Oh, and by the way, Bruce, we set out those Cosmopolitan magazine’s just for you guys in the office, figured it would educate you men. LOL

Bruce’s Office Women

Dear Office Women, 

What great fun you had with Bruce! I couldn’t help but smile! I appreciate your effort in teaching Bruce and the other men in the office a lesson, as long as it was done in good fun, and it sounds to me as if it was.

Thank you for your kind thoughts and saying I was one of the few who has touched you.  

Dr. Baer and I appreciate each of every one of you.

Karen

Comment by Denise on November 30, 2008 1:27 am

Karen,
Hi. I’ve not read your book. I just came across it on Amazon. And saw your note, to ask you a question, if I wanted to. I think I’m dissociative. No, not think. I am. There are entire years of my life that I don’t remember. Still don’t remember. I’m 35. My mom divorced my “dad” when I was 13. You can guess why. He was not my genetic father. Thank God. I don’t know how sick I’d feel if he were. Sick about who I am. Hmmm… I just am amazed that I’ve seen probably 4 different therapists. All 4 knew about my past & DID never came up. Not once. I just happened upon it. And, the lack of memory really seems to stand out to me. I’ve often thought, how can a person who was considered “gifted” in school have no memory of such huge sections of her childhood? Am I an idiot? Am I losing my mind? Why can’t I remember playing soccer? Why can’t I remember our house on Coral? Such huge gaps. Even though I’m no longer devastated by what happened to me. And, I know my value is my value and what happened to me has no impact. But, I still can’t recover those memories. Then, when I got married, my mother wanted me to forgive him & invite him to my wedding. Unbelievable. Now, I can’t trust her. She’s my mom.. hm. I can’t trust her with my most fragile parts. That’s horrible. anyway, I have so much more to say. But, enough for now, I think. I think I need to find a therapist who specializes in dissociation. How will I know when I’m “healed?” Normal? Over this? Is this why I have so many highs & lows? I’m happy. Mostly. Then, down. For no reason. Is this why?

Dear Denise,

I appreciate you sharing all that you have before reading Switching Time. Please share your thoughts here afterwards. I can understand all of your concerns whether you are dissociative or not, and why no doctor has diagnosed you as having a dissociative illness when that could explain your distress. It would take a skilled therapist to determine what type of dissociation you have or whether there’s another reason why you can’t recall details of your past.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself, the right therapist is out there somewhere, you just need to find him or her.  I’m sorry you had to go through four therapists already. Having a diagnosis isn’t as important as keeping consistency in a safe therapeutic setting with a qualified therapist, building trust, and taking care of yourself.

I can empathize with your frustrations regarding your lack of memory despite being a gifted child. I, too, felt confused as to why I couldn’t remember how I managed to play the clarinet, oboe, bassoon and saxophone. The only knowledge I regained was in the awards I received, the documentation of what I had accomplished, and the pictures of me in my high school yearbooks, that prove I was there.

Please know that if you are suffering from MPD or DID, you will eventually regain all your lost memories. I did, but not before integration of my alternate personalities was complete and I became one woman. Unfortunately, although all my memories returned, I didn’t regain all my physical skills. I temporarily lost my ability to type, play musical instruments, paint, and drive. I gained the driving part immediately; that was shared by several alters, but I haven’t tried to master anything else. I’m looking forward to the possibility of regaining my ability to accomplish these things again someday.

My mother caused much chaos for me, too. However, my relationship with my mother was only one part of my failure to thrive. You will know you are on the right path to healing when you accept your past and deal with all the emotions that cause your distress. When the healing begins, your highs and lows should lessen, and you will start to feel more confident as your self esteem rises.

I am not a therapist and can’t give advice. In my opinion, it sounds like only you and a qualified therapist can work through the web of hurts you’ve shared here. Please don’t give up, and continue to search for the therapist that’s right for you. I wish you a safe journey.

Karen

Comment by Caroline Jane on November 29, 2008 7:24 pm

I am thankful you share a lot about yourself to help others and just like Annie I get depressed and think of you and all you went through. I get very teary eyed when I think of you and have a lot of questions. I have a few questions most of the rest of my questions were answered in your other answers. I can’t begin to explain how much it means to me to know you through your story. Can you share how life as a Chicago southsider in Catholic school was for you? Were you involved in sports and activities in your school? How were your relationships with the nuns? Are any of them still alive? What do you remember about Catholic school and the church? Are you still Catholic? Do you still go to mass at the same church?

Caroline Jane

Dear Caroline Jane,

Thank you for your kind thoughts on my answering questions.  I truly hope that my answers are of some help to those who also suffer from depression and life changes.  I’m glad to hear that most of your questions were answered through my blog, and you can ask more questions here as they come to mind.  Sharing my story is my way of helping others.  I believe we all need help, and by sharing, we all learn from each other. I continue to learn more every day.

Being a Chicago southside Catholic school girl for nine years was a mixed blessing.  I loved school and rarely missed a day unless I was sick or hospitalized, but I wasn’t allowed to form many friendships. Nevertheless, attending school was my escape.  The Catholic school I attended felt safe to me, at least it was the one place I didn’t feel threatened, because my abusers couldn’t get to me.  During these years, my teachers and most of the nuns who taught me treated me well and tried to provide comfort in their own way. 

Although I rarely shared that I was being abused at home, I believe some nuns may have suspected I was. Unfortunately, their ignorance about abuse allowed them to ignore signs that were clearly visible.  It would’ve been nice if there was more known about what signs to watch for in children suspected of being abused.  I believe I may have switched into my alters Elise, Claire, or Ann during school.

I’m not sure if the nuns that once taught me are still alive.  They were in their mid forties or fifties, forty years ago.  I’ve thought of a few of them and wondered myself.  I have made my peace with them.

The Catholic school I attended was small, and all extra activities such as sports, cheerleading, and band were cancelled when I was in the third grade. I remember how sad all of us students were that year. Most of the activities and peaceful memories I enjoyed were gained from the neighborhood park district where I spent most of my time after school, before my father came home from work.

Thank you for taking such an interest in my school days.  I have no ill feelings against the Catholic Church; I was abused by people, not the religion.  I no longer attend the same parish.  I have long since moved from that area and have no desire to go back.

Karen

Comment by Mr & Mrs Bennett on November 29, 2008 3:45 pm

dear karen,

in the event of further abuse reported by a child after being taken away once. this child claims to be other people and misled her teachers into believing we, her adoptive parents are abusing her. she was returned after admitting she lied for attention. now she threatens us by claiming to be dissociative, claims we hurt other parts of her and says she will report us. she is fifteen. did you know you were the way you are at fifteen. my husband and i adopted her when she was five years old. she always was difficult. we love her. now she’s changed. when did you change?

Mr & Mrs Bennett

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Bennett,

Thank you for choosing to write to me. I will try to answer your questions the best way I can, however, I am not a qualified therapist and can’t give advice. Clearly something’s up with your adoptive daughter, and she may not even know herself why she feels the way she does or why she is accusing the both of you. From my experience, as a multiple, I was in fear of being labeled and put away, and there were many times I doubted myself. If your adoptive daughter was abused before you adopted her, I believe she, or if she’s a multiple, some part of her, may believe you are the parents who originally abused her.

I believe your daughter may be afraid of her own thoughts and past resurfaced memories. She may be remembering the abuse too quickly and is in rage. What’s most important is that she is told the truth: that you and your husband didn’t hurt her. Now that she’s back she will need professional help and your support. I believe she may not understand that she is manipulating you when she threatens to report you. I believe this because I once felt the same fear and misunderstood my own actions.

At fifteen years old, I already knew something was wrong with me. I felt awkward all my life and knew it was in my best interest to keep secrets. I knew I lost time. I just didn’t know what it was called or that it was an illness.  At the time, I had never heard of dissociation. All I knew was I had large gaps in my memory. I didn’t realize how special I was until my life started crumbling at the age of twenty five. Please don’t wait so long, seek help for her now.

I admire both of you for taking on an emotionally disturbed five year old. I can tell you love her and want what’s best for her.  Your daughter is only fifteen, and you have taken care of her for ten years now. When you add the possibility of a dissociative disorder onto the change she is experiencing during puberty, it must create enormous challenges. I believe consistency will help. Please continue to seek help with a proper qualified therapist, tell your daughter you love her and will be there for her if she falls.

I wish your family well,

Karen

Comment by Betsy on November 29, 2008 4:51 am

I read Switching Time in two days. Unbelieveably a harrowing story for you, Karen. The title should of read Karen’s harrowing story. What possessed the publisher to title it this way? Or did Richard Baer title the book? Was Switching Time the first choice title?

I read with sorrow and awe. Richard Baer must have been an amazing doctor to take care of you. Karen, you must have been an amazing patient for Richard Baers practice. The two of you make up an amazing team. I admire you both. Will there be a second book?

Betsy

Dear Betsy, 

I appreciate you recognizing our book, Switching Time, to be a harrowing story for me, however, it actually should’ve read a harrowing story for both Dr. Baer and me.  We have both gone through a harrowing journey together.  Neither Dr. Baer nor I chose the title of our book; it was chosen by the publisher, yet I think it captures something essential about my life.

It’s true–Dr. Baer did his best to take care of me.  I will always be grateful for all he’s done.  I feel very fortunate to have found him, and believe our meeting was meant to be.  I don’t believe my being Dr. Baer’s patient had any positive effect on his practice. If anything, treating me may have taken a negative toll on him.  There were more than a few times I felt responsible for burning him out.  As far as I know, my therapy had always been kept confidential.  As a matter of fact, Dr. Baer and I didn’t decide a book could be written until well near the end of the therapeutic part of our relationship.

Thank you for your compliments and for admiring our work together. I’m not sure if there will be a second book, but Dr. Baer and I certainly have enough material to write another book if asked.

Karen

Comment by Thankful Annie on November 27, 2008 4:09 pm

Happy Thanksgiving Day, Miss Karen.

Did you know you are on some people’s minds today? Well, you are. Thank you for sharing your life with us who hurt. I am thankful you did. I feel depressed today but will be okay because after reading Switching Time I gained faith and the courage to get help. I start therapy next Wednesday. My life by no means compares to yours, I am not mpd or did, but if you can survive I can too. How do you spend Thanksgiving, what do you do? Whatever you do today may you be happy not sad. Good day!

Love, Thankful Annie

Dear Annie,

Thank you, you are so sweet to remember me on this day, and I appreciate your kind thoughts on my sharing my story.

I am sorry to hear that you are depressed today, but I’m glad that in reading Switching Time, you have gained the strength needed to start therapy. That’s what I have hoped for, to bring awareness to others like you, to not be afraid to reach out and seek professional help, so that you too, can heal. I wish you a safe journey as you start therapy.

I love Thanksgiving! It’s my favorite holiday! It’s a time to remember all those who make a difference in our lives, a time to be grateful, thank each other, and be glad. I spent my day with family and friends, eating way too much, visiting a few patients at a nursing home, and calling those I wished to see, but couldn’t.

And, yes, it was a happy day! Thank you for asking.

Karen

Comment by Bruce on November 25, 2008 3:10 pm

Karen and Richard,

My review: Great work together!  The both of you made a believer out of me. MPD is real. I agree, the term, MPD is much more complete than the vast variety use of the term DID. My interest in your story comes from overhearing the strange lunchtime co-worker conversations regarding the book Switching Time. I had to figure out what these women were up to. The women never run out of what to talk about. I never heard them so chatty. It’s weird but I gain a lot of female knowledge listening to them. It’s like reading Cosmopolitan. Men need to read this magazine about woman.

Bruce

Dear Bruce,

Thank you for reading Switching Time and coming to an understanding that multiple personality disorder is real. I’m glad to hear, that after overhearing a few co-workers’ conversation you decided to read our book.

It’s true, Cosmopolitan has many great articles for women, and men may benefit from reading it too, but not all men need to read it!

Dr. Baer and I appreciate your compliments about our work together.

Karen

Comment by Deborah on November 25, 2008 1:30 pm

Dear Karen,

It’s nice you answer everyone, including the bad ones, as dear so an so. It shows me you respect us who read the ST blog. I bet this you learned from being in therapy? I am in therapy with a doctor who is going through some kind of personal drama. My doctor broke apart and is now taking a few weeks off. I suspect it’s midlife or male men-o-pause. I started with his replacement two weeks ago and find she is a better fit for me. I learned this from one of your answers. I wanted to thank you for making me aware of what a good therapist is and how to find one. I worry about hurting my real therapist, we have been together for four years. What would you do if you were put in my place? Did Dr. Baer ever leave you for a period of time with another therapist? My first therapist did help me, except for when he yells at me to grow up. I am twenty nine and diagnosed with DID. I have six alters, four children, one adult and one dog. The children, 6, 7, 10, 12 come out a lot with him, the adult usually doesn’t, the dog does.

Thank you.

Deborah

Dear Deborah,

Thank you for your compliments! I didn’t learn to be nice in therapy, it’s just the way I’ve always been. Despite all that has happened to me, I’ve always believed we all should try to be nice to each other. Of course, being nice all the time can have draw backs when people hurt you. I was fortunate Dr. Baer never left me in the hands of another therapist. There were times he gave me someone to call in his absence when he’d be on vacation, but I never called. As long as I knew how long he would be away and had the next session scheduled, I would be okay.

Dr. Baer never brought any personal drama into my therapy. The therapeutic relationship is supposed to help you heal, not the doctor. Maybe your doctor just needs some time off. After all, he’s human and things happen.

I wonder how your alters will react to a change of therapist? I believe my alters wouldn’t have been so easy to persuade. Please take care in making your decision.

Dr. Baer and I went through some rough patches during our therapeutic relationship. We worked everything out together, and through continuing therapy with him, without running away from it, that eventually helped me feel safe enough to heal. I needed consistency, and Dr. Baer tried his best to provide it.

You have asked what I would do, if I were you? I would talk to my therapist about switching therapists. I don’t think a therapist yelling at a patient is ever appropriate. But I believe in talking it out and not allowing ill feelings to fester. Maybe your therapist feels distant because he’s burned out? Maybe, his yelling at you was a part of this? Whatever it is, you need to discuss this with him.

I wish you a safe journey.

Karen

Comment by Another Strong Woman on November 24, 2008 8:50 pm

Dear Karen, and Jasmine,

Great sound advice for Jasmine and all of us women who were abused! You are so kind to share the personal faults and mistakes you made, to help abused women like us. No woman needs to take abuse. There are no “this is a man’s world” reasons these days. Women are equal and should never allow a man to intimidate them. I happened to have been abused by a boyfriend many years ago until one day I said NO MORE and ended the relationship. I would be abused by him, go through an interlude, and back to being abused again. I have never allowed this to happen again.

Karen, I continue to read your blog at least once a week. Your story was phenomenal! The book was excellent. I admire you and Richard for writing this book and blog.

Jasmine, run away from the idiot, go quickly before the holidays draw you into believing your in love. Abuse is not love. How dare your boyfriend hit you because you were sick and didn’t make dinner! What an idiot! Lose him!

Another Strong Woman

Dear Strong Woman,

Thank you. It’s important for me to share my faults and mistakes as well as my successes, in hope that we, as women, learn to better help ourselves against the possibility of being abused. You are right, a woman should never take abuse at the hands of a man nor allow herself to feel intimidated. The world is not a “man’s world;” it’s a world that needs more knowledge on how abuse can affect a woman, a world where each of us is respected for who we are and not what gender we are.

Abuse can happen both ways. There are men who have suffered from being abused by a woman. No matter how you look at this, abuse is abuse, and each partner is equally responsible for controlling his or her anger. When one partner hurts the other, there is no respect or equality in the relationship.

I am glad to hear you ended your abusive relationship and decided to take no more. I can empathize with the cycle of abuse you describe while suffering at the hands of your boyfriend. I, too, went through a similar experience. I would be abused, then treated nice for a while, only to be abused again and again. It was a vicious cycle that didn’t end until our divorce. I believe you are a strong woman. I’m inspired by you leaving your previous boyfriend and not tolerating abuse from anyone.

Thank you for all your compliments! Dr. Baer and I appreciate that you visit our blog regularly. It’s important for me to answer all questions. I hope I’ve been helpful for you. I’m not perfect, but there are parts of me I believe make me an incredibly strong woman.

Thank you for your comment to Jasmine. I will post your comment along with my answer.

Karen

Comment by Elizabeth A. on November 23, 2008 3:17 am

Dear Karen,

I was thrilled at the end when you and the doctor hug. All through the book I was frustrated with his not caring to hug you. My therapist hugs me, what’s the big deal? I never thought this was a big deal until reading Switching Time. Now I feel uncomfortable and had to address it in therapy wasting a whole two sessions talking about it. Did your doctor believe himself higher than God or was he just a cold fish?

Elizabeth A.
South Bend, IN

Dear Elizabeth,

For someone like me and you, we ususally can’t understand and see what the big deal is? Therapists are trained to believe this act could harm the therapeutic relationship.  Maybe in some cases it could. I’m not sure.  For me, this was a nagging frustration that I believed hurt more than helped at the time.  I never felt worthy enough.  Not being hugged, a simple touch, left me feeling sad.  Now, years after the therapeutic relationship ended, I can see why hugging could’ve been a bad idea, especially since I had within me many alters who may have taken a simple hug in the wrong way.

Being hugged during the midst of therapy could’ve been taken as an attack, put an awkward strain on the therapy, caused feelings of abuse, or maybe even taken as a seduction attempt.

Looking back, I am glad Dr. Baer didn’t hug me during therapy.  Why?  Because if he did hug me, I may have stopped therapy altogether and not healed.  I’ll never know for sure.  However, what I do know is that he didn’t hug me and I stayed in therapy through to the end.  Maybe those things are connected.  Dr. Baer felt he knew what was best for me, before I understood his reason for not hugging me, and although I may have felt hurt, he did what he thought was right.

It’s important that you continue to discuss your concerns and thoughts with your therapist.  I am not a therapist and can’t give advice, but from what you have shared, it appears to have become an issue that needs to be addressed.

Dr. Baer never acted like he was higher than God.  Dr. Baer treated me with the utmost respect, and through him I have learned appropriate and ethical boundaries that will continue to help me as I continue my journey through life.

I wish you the best as you continue your healing,

Karen