Comment by Craig on November 23, 2008 3:14 am

What happened to your alters when you were in the middle of divorcing your husband? Was it hard on any of the alters? What did the lawyer and judge do when presented with your case?

Craig

Dear Craig,

My alters were already integrated by the time I divorced my husband.  Therefore, the divorce wasn’t hard on my alters, it was hard on me.  I never shared the fact that I suffered from multiplicity with the judge.  I decided it was in my best interest not to.  By the time I entered the courtroom, my husband had already signed the divorce papers, and was home watching television; he had no desire to be there. On the day our divorce was finalized, I stood alone, along with my lawyer, in front of the judge, and was divorced in five minutes.

Thank you for your question,

Karen

Comment by Jasmine on November 21, 2008 10:39 pm

Hi Karen,

I just finished reading your book. I can’t believe you survived all this stuff. Are you like the strongest woman on earth? I know my life was bad not compared to yours but bad in a different way. My boyfriend hits me all the time. Today I have displayed one black eye and a busted lip. He hit me because we live together and I have a cold and didn’t make him dinner last night. I guess I deserved it, huh? I read your book and my question is how long should I take being beaten by my boyfriend? I am not strong like you so how did you decide when it was the right time?

Jasmine

Dear Jasmine,

No, I am not the strongest woman on earth, just one of many.  All women, each of us, has a unique personal strength and individual determination to survive if we want to.  I admit, it’s easy to blame ourselves for the acts of others.  I know how being abused can wear one’s spirit down.

I am so sorry to hear your boyfriend abuses you.  It’s never okay to suffer abuse at the hands of anyone, especially a boyfriend. I can’t speak for you and have made many mistakes myself, however, if I had known beforehand how being abused would’ve affected me all through my life, I would’ve reported my abuse to the police much earlier, like after the first time my husband hit me.  Please don’t blame yourself that your boyfriend hurt you. Even if you do something to anger him, he has lots of choices on how to handle his response, and striking you is never an appropriate one.  Have faith, believe in yourself, do the right thing, and leave him. You can be strong, too!

It was during therapy that I first learned that being abused was not okay, for any reason. I had to come to accept that I was being mistreated. No woman deserves to be hurt, ever!  You have asked me how long you should take the abuse.  In my opinion, not more than one second.  I would end this abusive relationship immediately. I don’t believe your boyfriend respects you, for if he did, you two would’ve discussed the issues between you in an adult way without violence.  There is never room for disrespect and abuse.

The right time to do something is now!  Be safe, trust your instincts, and seek professional help.  I wish you my best.

Karen

Comment by Mike on November 20, 2008 4:34 am

Karen,

This book tapped into my own past. I knew I was abused but never dealt with it. I am fifty six years old and don’t believe I could correct anything now. The problem is I have been ill from a physical back disability. The pain caused depression. The depression caused my past to come out. I need to take care of the depression but don’t want to address my past. What would help me, therapy or no therapy? Why dig it up? Is there a point? I am too old for this shit!

I trust your advice because I read your answers to other people and know you won’t tell me off.

Mike

Dear Mike, 

Don’t be so hard on yourself; you are never too old to start therapy.  What’s most important is to bring peace and harmony back into your life.  Seeking counseling with a qualified therapist will not only help you but help those close to you.  I can understand how your physical pain has brought on depression, and also how your depression increases your sense of physical pain. This happened to me, too. It’s hard trying to concentrate on healing when you are physically ill.

Therapy helped lessen my pain. I’m not sure how, but in sharing my past with Dr. Baer, a weight lifted from me and left me with a sense of calm.  I believe the reason for digging up one’s past is to release the emotional secrets that keep us in pain and prevent us from living life to the fullest.  Please don’t give up!

May your journey be safe as you begin to heal.

Karen

Comment by dak on November 19, 2008 5:26 am

Thanks Karen, I read the current ones and as usual I find them interesting to read. I can understand why it can seem so repetitious because that’s how the questions are – hmm, they all read the same book! You are always so kind and gentle in your responses. As I read I thought, “What a great newspaper column this would make.” Keep up the good words. Love, dak

Dear dak,

Thank you for your compliments!  A newspaper column?  Never thought about it?  That sounds like a great idea!  Thank you for appreciating my writing.

Have a great day!

Karen

Comment by Mom of Two Girls on November 16, 2008 5:20 pm

Karen,

I was abused by my father and ran away from home twice at 12 and 15. I told the police and they believed my father over me. I was raped and no one believed me. I never spoke of it again. I am now 26 and a mother of two girls, 2 and 3. My husband is a wonderful father but I never trust him alone with our daughters. My husband never shows any signs for me to be this way. When my husband plays with the girls and they get to giggling I come in and ruin the fun. I know it’s innocent play but I panic. Why do I go there? Was it because of being abused myself? Is it too late to start therapy and file suit against my father? Should I let the past stay buried? My anxiety has increased. I am afraid to tell my husband about these fears against him. I stopped seeing my father five years ago. I believe you can help. Your book brought me strength to do something. What?

Mom of Two Girls

Dear Mom of two girls,

I’m sorry to hear you were also abused. I can understand why you ran away. I would’ve run away, too, if it hadn’t been for switching into an alternate personality. Running away may not of been the answer at twelve and fifteen years of age, but it was all you knew and you coped with your hurt in this way. Please don’t be so hard on yourself.

I tried myself to share with teachers and some in authority, only not to be heard.  After awhile I stopped talking and withdrew for fear of being abused more or maybe even killed. Living in fear, feeling alone, having been abused, with no one believing you, will wear on you throughout your life. Please seek help, even before sharing all this with your husband. I’m not a therapist and can’t give advice, but in my opinion, it would be best to get some help on how to approach this issue with him.

Having two young girls who are able to be little girls, a girl you may not have experienced yourself could cause feelings of insecurity. I, too, had many worries when my daughter was young. When my daughter was about four years old these fears of the possibility of her father might abuse her, on top of my growing anxiety and depression forced me into seeking professional help with a qualified therapist.

Your husband sounds like a wonderful man who loves his daughters very much.  It may be hard for you to understand this kind of love after being hurt yourself. There are signs to watch for. I believe you know them.

I believe you have already taken the most important first steps.  You feel the pain and miss the innocence that was stolen from you.  Your daughters are very young.  Please seek help before your feelings and miscontrued thoughts affect your marriage.  It would be far worse if you started accusing your husband because of memories of your past.  I started to heal when I was allowed to share in the safety of my therapist’s office.

Enjoy life, stay healthy, and know that you can heal by experiencing life through your daughter’ eyes. Helping yourself will help your daughters grow up more self confident and secure.

Karen

Comment by Rose on November 16, 2008 4:36 pm

Dearest Karen,

During our church service today I thought of you. The message of the day required deep thought of how a childʼs life can be changed with careful interventions. A catholic girl thrown into the mist of unbearable trauma. Where did your heart of kindness come from? A nun? A priest, pastor or deacon? Who inspired your survival? How could you find true love and happiness after the pain endured? Do you believe in a higher power?

Rose

Dear Rose,

Thank you for thinking of me!  It’s true a child’s path can be changed with the support of parents, family members, and the community.  Careful interventions would’ve helped me if they had presented themselves.  It was so unfortunate not to receive the support I needed to grow up feeling happy, strong, and secure, but somehow I managed to develop a supportive system within myself.  Being a Catholic girl wasn’t an issue, being an abused child with no one to turn to, was.

There were a few people I met along the way who inspired me to grow.  I treasure memories of them.  There was one nun who took a liking to me.  She seemed to sense more than I shared with her.  She was attentive and kind and took special care of me when she saw my bruises.  There was the man who owned the ice cream parlor who listened to me over a chocolate phosphate or green river soda, and a pastor from a neighborhood church, not my own, that would sit and listen to me.  I never shared my abuse with any of them for fear of being judged, but I believe they all suspected.  It was me who always changed the subject or left when our talks got too near the truth.  I was ashamed and believed I was to blame for being abused.  I would simply gain some strength and acceptance from those talks that was so missing from my family life.  I found happiness and love through music and art, people with tender hearts, and finding small moments of peace.

And, yes, Rose, I believe in God,

Karen

Comment by Monica on November 16, 2008 6:17 am

Hi Karen,

I am writing you today to ask you if I can send you something personal.  I am hoping to give you something to hold as a silent reminder of Godʼs love as you continue to answer us.  Itʼs people like you who step forward and help others who need the most help.  There are people who suffered like you who are desperately needing to escape the horror inside themselves. You may be their last hope.

I am praying for you,

Monica

Colorado

Dear Monica,

Thank you!  That is so sweet of you to wish to send me something to hold on to as a reminder of God’s love!  I really appreciate your kind thoughts.  I know you have good intentions, but I don’t think I should accept any gifts.  It’s just in my best interest to keep my personal life discreet. I can accept your good wishes, prayers, and kind thoughts through this blog.  And I am grateful for them.

Thank you for believing I am of help to others.  I know there are many who suffer from emotional pain and are in need of help.  Dr. Baer and I are glad that Switching Time can be of help.  That is what we’ve hoped for.

God bless you,

Karen

Comment by N. McCormack on November 16, 2008 2:24 am

What a way to bring forth a great deal of understanding to a complex condition. The book Switching Time has shed light on not only abuse, dissociation, trauma, religion, survival, illness but prejudice. How were you able to change the learned behavior regarding prejudice? Did you express your changed belief with your father? What would he have done to you if you befriended a black man?

N. McCormack

Dear N. McCormack,

Thank you for all your compliments! I guess you’re right!  Switching Time does seem to shed light on much more than MPD.  I am glad to hear that your experience in reading our story has brought you understanding.

Prejudice can be hard to undo when learned so early, but I accomplished this by reversing my father’s prejudice and creating Jensen, an alter of color to balance my thoughts.  Since I was in part a person of color myself, how could I be prejudice?  I’m not sure how else to explain this.  I hated that my father was not only abusive, but prejudiced.

What would my father have done if I befriended a black man?  I’m not sure.  I believe he may have threatened, injured, or killed the black man, and then further abused or maybe even killed me.  I’ve never judged anyone.  All people deserve to be respected.  I made sure never to share any of my friends with my father.

Karen

Comment by Lynda on November 13, 2008 2:04 pm

Hi Karen,

I have been diagnosed with DID and have three small children. My days are filled as you may predict. I try to set aside private time when my children are in school. This has worked in someway. My husband berates me every night when things don’t get done. I can’t do all and can’t explain why. I feel very worn. Is it worth even trying? The book gave me hope. I wish you could see all I’ve done after reading it. I am now on my own road to getting well. Thank you for sharing.

Lynda

Dear Lynda,

I can empathize with you. Having young children who require you to give them the attention they deserve is hard for anyone, especially for someone trying to heal from the past.  I tried to function as a Mom when I needed to be, a wife when I needed to be, and then deal with myself and my alters when I was alone.

I rarely shared the details of my struggle with my husband.  I know that as a married couple this may not have been the appropriate thing to do, but I chose not to.  My husband sometimes used my confidences against me.  But if I could change anything, I would’ve included my husband more.  I thought I was protecting him from me, or maybe I was protecting me from him.  But I ended up enraging him anyway.  I got the name-calling, being berated, losing trust, and then finally the physical abuse.

My alters were born to keep me functioning as normal as possible.  I always seemed to be busy, yet not much was accomplished some days.  I never could get my husband to comprehend how my days were spent.  How could I, when my days were removed from my own awareness?  I felt worn out, too. This all can really put a strain on one’s marriage.

Please don’t give up; healing from DID is worth it!  I am glad to hear that Switching Time has given you hope and has helped encourage your own healing and journey.  Sounds to me like you are on the right road to recovery.

I send you all my best wishes,

Karen

Comment by J.H. Chaplain on November 12, 2008 4:30 pm

To be among those who turn the world upside down must leave you in a very lonely position. To be unique is more than a statement. To believe or not to believe must be the question asked of you often. Most of us go through life feeling free to accomplish goals as one moves from childhood, young teen, young adult, middle age to mature adult. This was stolen from you. How can you possibly redefine independence with such a loss.? Has therapy helped provide you with the services needed to help you with the parts of your life that needs assistance? Have you received family couseling from Richard Baer? You have written Dr. Baer was your sole provider. You have mentioned one on one therapy is best. I find this a concern. Who is taking care of you?

J.H. Chaplain

Dear J.H.,

I never imagined I would be known as turning the world upside down!  If you are referring to sharing my story in Switching Time, as a rare occasion to “see” into the true life story and therapy of a multiple personality, then I guess your right.  It’s a glimpse into something incomprehensible and extraordinary.  It may appear to be a lonely position but I don’t believe so.  I believe it’s important to share my story in hope to help all those who suffer as I have.  Someone has to be the first.

Dr. Baer and I felt our journey needed to be shared, and it’s definitely a once in a lifetime experience.  How many other doctor and patient journeys have been documented in such detail?  It’s true, I am unique, in the same way each of us is.

I may have not been able to accomplish all that I had hoped to during my childhood, but I had dreams, fantasies, hopes, and faith in the future. This is what kept me going despite what was stolen from me.  Therapy provided me with what I needed to finally become independent.  Of course, there are parts of my life that still can use assistance.  But I believe I was able to accomplish what I needed in therapy to continue in my personal life outside therapy.

I believe that in my case it was best that Dr. Baer treated me as he did.  Whenever life became too much for me, I’d call him or seek help with my friends or elsewhere. I tried my best not to jeopardize my family by hurting them while I was suffering.  It wasn’t perfect by any means.  In my journey, this proved to work for me and my family.

Karen