Comment by Rose on November 16, 2008 4:36 pm

Dearest Karen,

During our church service today I thought of you. The message of the day required deep thought of how a childʼs life can be changed with careful interventions. A catholic girl thrown into the mist of unbearable trauma. Where did your heart of kindness come from? A nun? A priest, pastor or deacon? Who inspired your survival? How could you find true love and happiness after the pain endured? Do you believe in a higher power?

Rose

Dear Rose,

Thank you for thinking of me!  It’s true a child’s path can be changed with the support of parents, family members, and the community.  Careful interventions would’ve helped me if they had presented themselves.  It was so unfortunate not to receive the support I needed to grow up feeling happy, strong, and secure, but somehow I managed to develop a supportive system within myself.  Being a Catholic girl wasn’t an issue, being an abused child with no one to turn to, was.

There were a few people I met along the way who inspired me to grow.  I treasure memories of them.  There was one nun who took a liking to me.  She seemed to sense more than I shared with her.  She was attentive and kind and took special care of me when she saw my bruises.  There was the man who owned the ice cream parlor who listened to me over a chocolate phosphate or green river soda, and a pastor from a neighborhood church, not my own, that would sit and listen to me.  I never shared my abuse with any of them for fear of being judged, but I believe they all suspected.  It was me who always changed the subject or left when our talks got too near the truth.  I was ashamed and believed I was to blame for being abused.  I would simply gain some strength and acceptance from those talks that was so missing from my family life.  I found happiness and love through music and art, people with tender hearts, and finding small moments of peace.

And, yes, Rose, I believe in God,

Karen

Comment by Monica on November 16, 2008 6:17 am

Hi Karen,

I am writing you today to ask you if I can send you something personal.  I am hoping to give you something to hold as a silent reminder of Godʼs love as you continue to answer us.  Itʼs people like you who step forward and help others who need the most help.  There are people who suffered like you who are desperately needing to escape the horror inside themselves. You may be their last hope.

I am praying for you,

Monica

Colorado

Dear Monica,

Thank you!  That is so sweet of you to wish to send me something to hold on to as a reminder of God’s love!  I really appreciate your kind thoughts.  I know you have good intentions, but I don’t think I should accept any gifts.  It’s just in my best interest to keep my personal life discreet. I can accept your good wishes, prayers, and kind thoughts through this blog.  And I am grateful for them.

Thank you for believing I am of help to others.  I know there are many who suffer from emotional pain and are in need of help.  Dr. Baer and I are glad that Switching Time can be of help.  That is what we’ve hoped for.

God bless you,

Karen

Comment by N. McCormack on November 16, 2008 2:24 am

What a way to bring forth a great deal of understanding to a complex condition. The book Switching Time has shed light on not only abuse, dissociation, trauma, religion, survival, illness but prejudice. How were you able to change the learned behavior regarding prejudice? Did you express your changed belief with your father? What would he have done to you if you befriended a black man?

N. McCormack

Dear N. McCormack,

Thank you for all your compliments! I guess you’re right!  Switching Time does seem to shed light on much more than MPD.  I am glad to hear that your experience in reading our story has brought you understanding.

Prejudice can be hard to undo when learned so early, but I accomplished this by reversing my father’s prejudice and creating Jensen, an alter of color to balance my thoughts.  Since I was in part a person of color myself, how could I be prejudice?  I’m not sure how else to explain this.  I hated that my father was not only abusive, but prejudiced.

What would my father have done if I befriended a black man?  I’m not sure.  I believe he may have threatened, injured, or killed the black man, and then further abused or maybe even killed me.  I’ve never judged anyone.  All people deserve to be respected.  I made sure never to share any of my friends with my father.

Karen

Comment by Lynda on November 13, 2008 2:04 pm

Hi Karen,

I have been diagnosed with DID and have three small children. My days are filled as you may predict. I try to set aside private time when my children are in school. This has worked in someway. My husband berates me every night when things don’t get done. I can’t do all and can’t explain why. I feel very worn. Is it worth even trying? The book gave me hope. I wish you could see all I’ve done after reading it. I am now on my own road to getting well. Thank you for sharing.

Lynda

Dear Lynda,

I can empathize with you. Having young children who require you to give them the attention they deserve is hard for anyone, especially for someone trying to heal from the past.  I tried to function as a Mom when I needed to be, a wife when I needed to be, and then deal with myself and my alters when I was alone.

I rarely shared the details of my struggle with my husband.  I know that as a married couple this may not have been the appropriate thing to do, but I chose not to.  My husband sometimes used my confidences against me.  But if I could change anything, I would’ve included my husband more.  I thought I was protecting him from me, or maybe I was protecting me from him.  But I ended up enraging him anyway.  I got the name-calling, being berated, losing trust, and then finally the physical abuse.

My alters were born to keep me functioning as normal as possible.  I always seemed to be busy, yet not much was accomplished some days.  I never could get my husband to comprehend how my days were spent.  How could I, when my days were removed from my own awareness?  I felt worn out, too. This all can really put a strain on one’s marriage.

Please don’t give up; healing from DID is worth it!  I am glad to hear that Switching Time has given you hope and has helped encourage your own healing and journey.  Sounds to me like you are on the right road to recovery.

I send you all my best wishes,

Karen

Comment by J.H. Chaplain on November 12, 2008 4:30 pm

To be among those who turn the world upside down must leave you in a very lonely position. To be unique is more than a statement. To believe or not to believe must be the question asked of you often. Most of us go through life feeling free to accomplish goals as one moves from childhood, young teen, young adult, middle age to mature adult. This was stolen from you. How can you possibly redefine independence with such a loss.? Has therapy helped provide you with the services needed to help you with the parts of your life that needs assistance? Have you received family couseling from Richard Baer? You have written Dr. Baer was your sole provider. You have mentioned one on one therapy is best. I find this a concern. Who is taking care of you?

J.H. Chaplain

Dear J.H.,

I never imagined I would be known as turning the world upside down!  If you are referring to sharing my story in Switching Time, as a rare occasion to “see” into the true life story and therapy of a multiple personality, then I guess your right.  It’s a glimpse into something incomprehensible and extraordinary.  It may appear to be a lonely position but I don’t believe so.  I believe it’s important to share my story in hope to help all those who suffer as I have.  Someone has to be the first.

Dr. Baer and I felt our journey needed to be shared, and it’s definitely a once in a lifetime experience.  How many other doctor and patient journeys have been documented in such detail?  It’s true, I am unique, in the same way each of us is.

I may have not been able to accomplish all that I had hoped to during my childhood, but I had dreams, fantasies, hopes, and faith in the future. This is what kept me going despite what was stolen from me.  Therapy provided me with what I needed to finally become independent.  Of course, there are parts of my life that still can use assistance.  But I believe I was able to accomplish what I needed in therapy to continue in my personal life outside therapy.

I believe that in my case it was best that Dr. Baer treated me as he did.  Whenever life became too much for me, I’d call him or seek help with my friends or elsewhere. I tried my best not to jeopardize my family by hurting them while I was suffering.  It wasn’t perfect by any means.  In my journey, this proved to work for me and my family.

Karen

Comment by Priscilla on November 11, 2008 9:56 pm

Hi Karen,

I bought your book and gave it to my friend who is dying of cancer. I didnʼt read it first. Oh how I wish I did. I didnʼt want her to cry. I apologized and she told me your story had made her feel peaceful with her own past. I was shocked and took her copy to read it for myself. I can see why.

Can you recommend what I could say to my dying loved one, Catherine, who had suffered from child abuse and depression most of her life? In her final days of unsuccessful cancer treatment what can I say to help her? Sheʼs has two to three months top?

Much obliged,

Priscilla

Dear Priscilla,

I’m glad that giving your friend Switching Time turned out to be a nice thing to do. I can understand how you and she may have found my story interesting. I believe your intentions were in the right place. You knew Catherine suffered from past abuse and bought a book you believed would help her. I am glad that you read my story, too. This not only brought your friend peace, but you were able to understand the peace she spoke of. Finding peace in one’s final days is what we all hope for.

I know final conversations with loved ones are not an easy thing to do. If Catherine were my friend, I would be myself, sometimes talk, sometimes not, sit with her, and tell her about my day or what I’ve done. I’d read to her, tell her I love her, and sit and hold her hand. Allow her to speak about anything; she may just need to talk.

This could be the time to remind her of all wonderful things she’s done. Sharing memories might be helpful in putting her life into perspective. Say all that you want to say now, while there’s time, and enjoy your time together. This way, your loved one will know she’s not alone. Cherish every moment.

I wish you and your friend Catherine peace at this difficult time.

Karen

Comment by Sgt. Roy on November 12, 2008 1:09 am

Why didn’t you share your sons military experience in Switching Time? Itʼs Veterans Day! Is he a vet? How did you cope during his service to our country? After everything in your life how did war wear on you?

Sgt. Roy

Dear Sgt. Roy,

Best wishes on Veteran’s Day, to you and all who served our country!  Thank you for recognizing my son’s service on this very important day!  Yes, my son is a Veteran and has served in Iraq.  He is home now and doing his best to continue his life.

Of course, it was hard coping while my son was away for five years.  However, I am proud of all he has done.  These years were met by me one day at a time.  I never sat and worried about him.  I knew all was in God’s hands.  Yet, I did worry about who he’d become when he finally arrived home.  War is hard on all families, not just mine, and I worried about what trauma he suffered while overseas.  During my son’s years in the military, I coped in the same survivor mode I did while healing, and tried my best to look forward, not behind.  Each new day was a blessing and one day closer to his return.

Thank you for serving our country, and for your caring questions,

Karen

Comment by Violet P. on November 11, 2008 5:22 pm

In your early childhood years were any of the alters known to other people? What were your interests as a child? What did you wish to become? Were any other parts of you interested in art? What kind of art did you remember working on as a child? Anything left from those days? I find you inspiring and am interested in what fond memories you experienced through the magic of the many artists in you.

Love the book, love your willing to share, love you.

Violet

Dear Violet,

Thank you for these questions. During my childhood years some alters were known to other people, but it’s a bit hazy and I’m not sure of this.  What I do know is that my alters were created for me to appear normal throughout the day.  There may have been times a slip could’ve occured, and I’d may have been questioned about why I did not remember something or why I appeared inattentive.  I believe during these times there was either another alter out, or I was in the process of switching.

As a child I was artistic in many ways.  Once I wanted a house for my Barbie Doll and with little money I built one myself.  I found an old wooden box, sanded, stained, varnished it, and found everything to decorate it in detail. It was amazing!  And yet I hid it in the attic under a blanket and worked on it in private.  I feared it would be taken away or thrown out.  I remember the carpet samples I obtained from the hardware store, the plexiglass windows, contact paper walls, gumwrapper accessories and popsicle stick sanded furniture.  In high school, I gave it to a friend whose little sister never had toys, and she fell in love with it.

I have always enjoyed art.  Maybe some day I’ll start again.  Most everything I had made I gave away or sold to make ends meet, and I only know where a few things still are.

I may have suffered terrible trauma but I do have many fond memories that kept me believing in a greater good. If I hadn’t had any fond memories, I surely wouldn’t be here today.  We all need to be creative in our own way.  For me, art and music brought me peace and a sense of calm during a horrific childhood and chaotic inner world.

Thank you for finding my story inspiring,

Karen

Comment by Jean on November 9, 2008 11:07 pm

Dear Karen,

Hi, don’t you find there is such stigma attached to DID? And how do you describe what is going on for you even if you wanted to try and tell someone other than your therapist? If i met with a professional who even hinted that he didn’t have a clue I would be devastated!

Karen, I haven’t begun the process of integration because I have been too scared! Having read your account my “others” have been far more willing to appear in therapy and I have begun drawing them. It feels spooky to me but my therapist takes it all in his stride and makes it feel very manageable.

I take hope from your story even though I feel so very alone.

I seem to stumble on your blogs at random so excuse me for taking so long to reply.

My best wishes for your continued well being.

Jean x

Dear Jean x,

Yes, I do believe there is a stigma attached to MPD/DID.  That is why I believe most true cases do not reveal themselves often and try their best not to appear “different” in society.  My alters were born to help protect me from the abuse I suffered, allow me to function appropriately without shame, and help me be the best person I could be.  MPD/DID is a coping mechanism, not a potential sideshow.

During all my years before, during, and after therapy, I never shared with anyone I felt wouldn’t understand and be supportive. I didn’t even share all the details of my illness and therapy with my best friend. If someone close to me would notice something out of the ordinary, I would make excuses and apologize. There were times a friend would say, “Are you listening?” “You zoned out on me?” or “What’s wrong?”  Once they would start talking again, the alters would adjust back to where I needed me to be.  In other words, there would be a pause, and I’d be back.

I understand your fear of starting the integration process.  I was afraid, too!  It takes time to build trust in yourself and in your therapist.  After all, you’re really taking a leap of faith.  I made my decision to integrate when I realized that my life wasn’t my own.  I didn’t want to live the rest of my days unable to be the woman I was meant to be.

I believe it’s a great sign your “others” are starting to appear in therapy and you started drawing them.  I started in this way, too!  I know it’s spooky, but it sounds like you’re on the right path.

Have faith, trust your instincts, and allow your therapist to guide you.

Karen

Comment by Stampede on November 10, 2008 10:51 am

You know GTG, people like you give those that actually have DID a bad name. There are many psychiatrists and therapists in this world that donʼt believe in DID, and then for you to prey on your therapist because you need attention is wrong.

There is so much I would like to say to you but then I feel like maybe you are seeking attention on this website too. I am just going to say I agree with Karen, you need to come clean and get help for the attention seeking.

Dear Stampede,

Thank you for your comment to GTG.  I agree, it’s important not to misrepresent MPD/DID.

Karen