Karen answers Marcus
Richard Baer on Jun 8th 2009
Comment by Marcus on 06 Jun 2009 at 7:56 pmKaren,Did you smoke? If you did was it you or which alter. In the show USOT while I was watching reruns Tara smoked alot. I never read in your story you smoked and would like your opinion about being a multiple and doing drugs, smoking and illegal acts that cause your core trouble? Richard Baer did a brilliant job capturing your life with your help. If you are given another opportunity to write a continuation would you both work together again.Marcus
Tampa, FL
Dear Marcus,
No. I never smoked. I may have taken a puff once, but no, never wound up smoking. As a multiple there was no time for such habits as smoking, drinking alcohol, or illegal behavior. I was too busy trying to survive each day. For me, to smoke, drink, act irresponsibly, or get into trouble was an annoyance that I could not afford. However, there was one habit that many alters would indulge in, and that was eating. I believe four alters ate simultaneously.
As a multiple, my life was run by a complex inner system that didn’t include “me.” My system of alter’s was created to protect me, keep me out of trouble and keep me safe. Anything else would draw unsafe attention to me. I preferred to be invisible. That was the safe way to be.
I will try to explain: If an adult alter would consume alcohol and a younger alter came out, the younger alter’s level of intoxication could be catastrophic. I’m not sure how to explain it, but once, while in the hospital, an adult alter was medicated with the correct dosage of medication, and when that alter went back in, a switch occurred and a young alter came out and passed out from from being over medicated. Multiplicity is an incomprehensible illness that we have so much more to learn about. The mind is powerful.
As far as I am concerned, in the series The United States of Tara, the writers added Tara’s smoking habit as a distraction for the audience. I can’t answer for other multiples. In my opinion, based from my own personal experience, it was impossible to maintain and keep track of such habit forming addictions.
Thank you for your compliments, especially for Dr. Baer, I will pass it on to him. I’m sure he will appreciate hearing from you. And, yes, it is my hope that if we were ever asked to write a sequel, that we would work together again. Teamwork at it’s best!
Karen
Once again you so succinctly put into words my experience with DID/MPD! Until this blog/you, I’ve never met or spoken to someone with this disorder and your responses make me feel ‘normal’ for the first time in my life! Normal for someone who has lived with a complex often confusing spectrum of behaviors and characteristics, as is seen in DID/MPD.
I too have never used drugs (often times including prescription medications) or alcohol because of their affect on me. Prescription medications are the most frustrating to deal with because I often tell the doctor you can’t give me the adult dose it has to be lower because of how it affects me – I’ve only recently come to understand that was because sometimes kid parts were out front and sometimes adult parts. It’s not unusual to have very inconsistent results for medications from day to day or hour to hour – very frustrating for the psychiatrist I worked with initially who did not believe in DID/MPD. If parts are waring inside and I develop an all too frequent headache, medication will not even work at all – angry parts seem to blow the medication off altogether. The only solution is to figure out the war that is going on inside and calm everyone down. With bodily pain, I learned very early on to dissociate it.
When I first became aware of the fact that there might be more parts of me, acting independently, than I had always believed, I realized that decision-making was – shall we say complicated! For example, for breakfast one part always likes to have coffee – one cup in the morning, that’s all. Another part likes to have an egg, another fruit, others toast or whatever happens to catch their eye. One morning I suddenly became aware and I had 5 breakfasts on the go, in various stages of completion! There was no way I needed all the food I’d suddenly found myself confronted by and was compelled by each part to eat each breakfast. Knowing I didn’t need the food I felt helpless to stop and could not choose just one! Shopping with this committee of minds is an equally challenging and somewhat lengthy process as parts became increasingly more vocal about their likes and dislikes. They had always been there before but as we worked with the parts and let them have their voices, they felt increasingly more need to have their voices heard/attended to. While somewhat frustrating, throughout this process, I’ve allowed myself to laugh at the sometimes crazy situations I get into! It’s not uncommon for me to be on my own in a room and breakout in laughter because some part has set things up in such a way as to create a “situation” that can only be described as absurd, way out in left field! It frustrates my family because often times it’s not so funny in the explanation for the laughter – they think they are missing something! They are!
I’ve watched very little of US of Tara – Canadian and I don’t think we get it – but I’ve seen some segments on computer. I find the extremes in dress and presentation far more drastic than anything I might ever display. There’s clearly differences in likes and dislikes in say for example dress (and breakfast!) but it’s a matter of color choices, looseness of the clothing, professional vs. casual, very bright colors vs. subdued but the overall style is globally uniform. We all know how to dress say for the doctors office, for work, or for a formal occasion. It’s too difficult for me to explain why the skirt today, the first time in a year, so as a rule we-all try to avoid skirts. We save skirts for special occasions or summer wear instead. There’s differences in posture, voice, accent but they are slight so as to avoid attention. Even my supportive husband misses many switches. He recognizes the free happy go lucky or mischievous kid parts but doesn’t see their coming or going and treats me/us-all according to what he sees – always as a grown up and with respect – even when he has to tell me to stop throwing the tennis ball inside because it might break something!
I was so terrified most of my life, doing anything illegal or against my parents wishes was unheard of. I did the best I could not to rock the boat – that is except for one part that seemed to make it’s mission to rock the boat at any opportunity it got! I’m sure that some people have parts that get people with DID in trouble but in my life, it was about steering clear of being in trouble and visible.
Thanks for sharing the view into your DID/MPD window. Your comments today made me feel so ‘normal’ and there’s not much opportunity for feeling ‘normal’ when you are made up of a committee of parts – even if the committee is slowly reducing in size!
DK