Comment by Lisa on 25 Jul 2009 at 12:08 pm

Hello,

I am a 23 year old, married, mother of one. I am in the mist of the story you have allowed to be shared, and I am blown away. I am sure you have heard that before. Anyway, I stumbled upon the book and it caught my eye because just three years ago my therapist told me that he believed I have DID. I already knew when he told me, but like you, I felt as though no one would believe me, I sometimes to this day think maybe I have made this all up. My question is when did everything become real for you….I am feeling like sometimes I make it up, but it is the rush to my head, the light-headedness and pressure that makes it real. I believe once I really accept it, then I can start to heal, but how can I believe myself?

Thank you.

Dear Lisa,

I understand that you are blown away by my story after hearing what you are going through.  It’s true, many have said the same, but once they read through the entire book, they feel much better about what they have read.  When someone says they can’t continue reading, I ask them to finish anyway, for closure.  During the first third of the book, it’s horrific and hard to imagine.  The journey to healing follows through to the end where you will see a great mystery unfold.  I believe it’s important to finish reading once you’ve started, otherwise you will not know the true miracle of why I am here, alive and well, and able to bring hope to others who may have suffered from being abused.  I believe we learn from each other, and fear can control us in a way that disables us from moving forward.

I knew something was very different about me before I started therapy with Dr. Baer.  I knew I lost time and feared telling him because I myself found myself questioning my past and lost time.  I first needed to feel secure and build trust.  Building trust with Dr. Baer took a few years.  I had to be sure he was the one to accompany me on my journey. At first I shared short episodes and moments.  I recall being so afraid he wouldn’t believe me that I wouldn’t share much detail and skimmed through my story.

It’s interesting to hear you say you sometimes believe you made it all up.  I felt the same way, too!  I had gone through many moments of doubt.  What I did during those times was seek proof, in a round about way.  I would ask my mother, neighbors or family questions about certain times, dates, situations and have them share their versions of that time period. Each fit exactly into place like a well placed puzzle piece.  I knew what happened to me was true by listening to family stories.  For example, once while talking to my brothers about how we all shared the same bedroom, sleeping in separate beds, my one brother said that he couldn’t sleep some nights until I came back.  I asked him where he thought I went.  He said, “I don’t know but you were gone for hours after dad dragged you out of bed.”

I could no longer ignore the signs of lost time, headaches, and feeling as if I didn’t know myself.  Finally, I let go and allowed myself to vent in writing and to Dr. Baer.  The more I shared and the more I journaled the less distress I was in.  A weight lifted and I was on my way to feeling whole.  Slow and steady, steady and slow, that’s the only way to go. Please be patient with yourself.  Have faith.  It doesn’t matter what you share; just share what comes to mind and your healing will follow.  There is no right or wrong way in therapy.

Wishing you all my best.  Take care.

Karen