Comment by Detroit Mom of 6 on 27 Jul 2009 at 11:53 am

Hi Karen,

I just started reading your story. I’m writing before I continue because after reading most of your answers here I wanted to know how you managed to raise two children with being a multiple mom. Two children that have no drug problems. I am the mother of four boys and two girls between the ages of 16 and 24. I admit parenting is hard. I am someone who tried my best yet three of my six wound up on drugs, one committed suicide because she was apparently sexually abused by a relative and never told me. After her death I read her journals. I was devestated. My daughter was 20 when she took her life. If I had known the signs of child abuse I think I could’ve been a better mother to her. We shared everything. Why didn’t she tell me? I live with guilt. The first hundred pages of your book was a startling reality of child abuse. More than once you said there are signs and parents should known these signs. How are your hildren today? How old are they? Are they happy? My daughter was abused by her father’s brother. Could this be why she didn’t tell me? Could this brother have abused my other children? Could that be why three of them turned to drugs? I have many unanswered questions. Where do I find the answers? Is it too late to have my brother-in-law convicted? Could he be imprisoned for abusing my daughter after her death? Could I prosecute him? Have him arrested? Should I ask my other children if he abused them?

I will finish reading your story now. I wanted to vent before continuing on. I am shocked at the contents. Thank you for sharing your pain so us parents can learn.. I will pray for you.

A Detroit Mom of 6, one never to be forgotten.

Dear Mom of 6,

Raising even one child, let alone six, is the hardest job in the world.  I’m not sure how I managed to raise my children.  I just did what I needed to do time and again and prayed for the best.  Children are resilient.  When my children were young I did the best I could.  And as they grew and now that they are adults I still do the best I can.  I feel my children turned out to be the best people they could be.

I’m not a therapist and can’t give advice, but in my opinion I believe children change and choose their paths in life based on many factors, not just by their relationships with their parents.  An adult child makes his or her own decisions.  Some good, some not so good.  No one is perfect.  And we all learn from our mistakes. Your children that have turned to drugs still have a chance at a great life with proper help.  They may not have made the best decisions in life, but that’s their choice, not yours.  Just be there for them when they need you.

If I based my path by how I was raised I surely wouldn’t be here.  I could have easily chosen the dark path and become someone who abused others, committed crimes, or become an alcoholic or drug addict.  But I didn’t.  Why?  I’m not sure, but I thank God every day.  Relationships are complex.  As a parent the most important thing we can do is love our children, be there for them in good times and when they fall. And never give up on them even when they piss you off.  I’ve had my share of stressful moments, too. Believe me, I was far from the perfect mom.

I’m so sorry to hear you lost a child to suicide.  I understand how devastated you feel.  In reading your daughter’s journals, you may have come to a better understanding of why she took her life, but blaming yourself for missing the signs will only keep you paralyzed and unable to be there for your remaining five children.  I believe your daughter never shared her pain because she didn’t know how.  I never shared what happened to me until in the safety of Dr. Baer’s care.  First of all, my not sharing was due to the shame I felt and not because I didn’t want to.  I simply couldn’t.  I didn’t understand the inner pain I suffered in order to share.  I felt at fault.  I felt dirty.  I blamed myself.  How could I have explained something so horiffic if I couldn’t understand it myself?

Many adult children may not know how to seek help.  That’s why I share my story: in hope to bring awareness of what can happen to a child who has been abused.  I understand you have many questions that need to be answered.  I’m sure the answers to all your questions will come in time.  I’m not qualified nor do I know the legalities on what can be done with evidence from a journal in court.  Maybe seeking advice from a lawyer is the best you can do.  That way, at least you’ll find some comfort in knowing that you did what you could and can work through your pain in hope for some closure.

My children are doing well; thank you for asking.  My children are both in their twenties and continue on their own journeys to being the best person they each could be. I believe my children are happy.  But just like all moms, sometimes we just don’t know everything.

Thank you for sharing, for your compliments, and prayers.  I will be praying for you, too.

Karen