Karen answers Stella
Richard Baer on Aug 10th 2009
Comment by Stella on 02 Aug 2009 at 2:27 pm
Hi Karen,
First of all I have to tell you I haven’t read the book yet, I am hesitant just now because I am living in a state of hypervigilence and am triggered by so many things, but especially reading or seeing accounts of abuse. So I avoid these things like the plague. Haven’t watched tv in about a year, it’s so bad right now.
I am 47 yrs old, I’ve been in therapy for over a year now and am officially diagnosed with CPTSD with dissociation, depression, anxiety and social phobia, but I have to tell you, the more I read the more I am convinced there’s more to it and that perhaps my therapist is just being cautious with me. It’s been a rough year, never thought that starting therapy for anxiety attacks, depression and social phobia would lead me down such an unfamiliar and previously unfathomable path.
My question to you is this: was there ever a time when you were in the thick of things in therapy, where you felt as though you no longer trusted that your therapist was dealing straight with you, or perhaps wasn’t doing everything necessary to keep that level of trust, and if so, how did you overcome this?
I so appreciate the strength and courage it took you to stay the course, I have an enormous amount of respect for anyone who faces that kind of darkness with determination to see the light again someday. I consider you a positive role model, someone to look to for that glimmer of hope that is so needed on this kind of journey!
God bless,
Stella
Dear Stella,
I appreciate you writing and sharing your story. I understand how reading any book on abuse could set you off in a negative way. As a matter of fact, during my therapy years I couldn’t read any books on my illness either. I never even saw the movie Three Faces of Eve until after integration, and then only with Dr. Baer by my side. I still haven’t made it through the movie Sybil nor have I finished the book. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. When you’re ready, and only then, will you be able to read stories on abuse. I hope you’ll read mine.
There may be a way for you to learn more about Switching Time, and that is by simply reading the questions sent in and my answers on this blog. That will give you a sense of knowing my story without too much detail. I know it takes time to heal, and acknowledging what you’ve shared with me is an important step in moving forward.
Regarding therapy, yes, there were a few times when I felt confused and doubted that I could trust Dr. Baer. That’s a normal part of the therapeutic relationship. It takes time to build trust. My trust for Dr. Baer took years of give and take before I was able to feel secure enough to begin to use that foundation of trust and move forward. Trusting anyone is hard work after a lifetime of being hurt. How did I deal with my moments of doubt? Dr. Baer helped me and I would let go, and allowed myself a chance to experience something unfamiliar: faith. I prayed for God to guide me, and I trusted my own instincts.
I believe your determination will help you see the light; you’re already well on your way. I will keep in you in thought and prayer for a safe journey to wellness.
Thank you so much for all your compliments! I wish you all my best.
Karen
Dear Karen,
Thank you for your response, I found it helpful to know how you worked your way through some of the inevitable challenges in the therapeutic relationship.
I think one of the most difficult aspects of dealing with this type of disorder is the sense of isolation. A therapist is only a part of his patient’s life for a miniscule amount of time each week; the remainder of time is spent in isolation, even if the patient is surrounded by other people. Knowing that most people don’t have the understanding of what is taking place keeps us in our own little world – unfortunately.
There seems to be a misunderstanding in general about the nature and manifestation of dissociation, people are expecting to see a great deal of drama or obvious changes, which in reality are not very apparent unless you know what you are looking for. There is an expectation driven by sensationalism in the public forum that surrounds this disorder, and it makes a person struggling in this area very wary of letting others ‘in’. And the fact that trust is such a major issue only cements this feeling of ‘aloneness’ as we are delving deeper into our understanding of ourselves. Even if you are fortunate to find one other person with whom you can be free to share these things (which I have been truly blessed to have in my life), it still is difficult to articulate something that you don’t even have total comprehension of yourself.
I have to trust (there’s that pivotal word!) that in time the need to be transparent with those who are closest to me will find it’s fulfillment as my own understanding and acceptance of myself increases.
I am thankful to have found your blog; it lends a sense of connection outside of the therapist’s office, which by the amount of activity here, shows that many of us out here who are dealing with similar issues, really really crave.
I look forward to staying in touch through reading your responses and insights. Keep on keeping on!
Stella