Comment by Maureen on 08 Sep 2009 at 7:55 am

Dear Karen,

How are you today? My name is Maureen and I just got Switching Time on Sunday started this morning and spent my entire day off, Labor Day reading it. I felt sick today and by-passed a few bar-b-ques. My day went by fast. I guess ten hours of reading will do that to a person. I cried my fever away reading.  It’s the next day and I slept sound from the knowing that your experience has brought me hope.

I am a thirty two year old unmarried christain woman who is too afraid to make waves amongst the people I know to tell them the man they come to love at church is really a monster rather than the kind hearted man they see. Not only is he my father but abused me a lot sexually when I was younger before I ran away at seventeen and he stopped when I promised not to go to therapy or tell anyone ever and I did keep my promise but promises haunt me everyday. I have lived with this secret all my life and it’s starting to haunt me more and more.

I met this man at church who is kind and he loves me but I feel too guilty marrying him without his knowing the truth. When I go to church people treat my father like a king and it sickens me even my fiance loves and respects him. I don’t think I am a multiple but feel that I dissociate all that he has done to me in the past to save everyone else. While reading Switching Time a lot triggered me and there is this freedom I feel that I am not alone anymore. I have God on my side, you do too and now I have you, a woman who knows what it’s like not to make waves to keep peace.

My father is terminally ill with maybe the most two months to live. The doctors think he’ll be gone in a few weeks maybe sooner. What would you do Karen? Would you stir up the past if you were me knowing your abuser is facing death by cancer? Is my father’s cancer punishment? What did you see in your father eyes before he died? Did you talk with him? Tell me what your feelings were the last time you saw him? Can you share the moment with me? Did it bring you peace? Was there sorrow, did he apologize, recognize the pain he caused you, did you forgiven him? What about the church people did you tell them all he did? Did he have a church service? Did you cry? How did your abusive father’s death leave you? Do you think he’s in heaven or hell? I am Catholic and don’t know? Should I or shouldn’t I tell? What would you do if you were in my shoes? I never saw a therapist for counseling just once after I ran-away and my dad refused me to go. I was forbidden to.

It’s a lot I know but after reading your stroy I feel I know you, it’s like you been there. I don’t need a doctor right now but know I will someday right now I need someone who has gone through similar feelings and would like your opinion. Thank you! Thank God for bringing your story to me, the book was at the counter of the book store waiting to be returned to the shelf after someone saved it and two were saved by mistake. Lucky me. My eyes are open now.

Maureen

Dear Maureen,

Thank you for writing in and sharing your story with me. I have to admit your story took me back a bit. I’m sorry it took me time to answer. I wanted to make sure that I answered you to the best of my ability without trying to counsel or give advice.  Since I am not a qualified therapist, I will simply answer you from my heart, past experience, and with my opinions. Please seek out a professional therapist as soon as possible, and before your father’s death.  A therapist can help you sort out these feelings and thoughts before you act on them.  It’s important not to jump into something so heart-breaking, unprepared.  A therapist can help you prepare for what’s to come.

In my opinion, I would not confront your father, ask for his apology, or share with church members. Why? You may not receive the answers you desire and that could devastate you. I believe if your father feels any remorse he will apologize, if able, before he passes.

I’m glad to hear that my story has brought you hope. I understand your crying your fever away. There have been times through my own despair that illnesses suddenly disappeared as if there were no room for anything other than the pain in my heart from inner suffering. The mind is powerful, and unexplainable things can happen when one becomes overwhelmed.

Not making waves…? That’s a powerful statement and so true for those who have been abused, suffered from being controlled, and forced into making promises that add additional guilt onto an already fragile spirit.  My entire life has been spent not making waves in order to keep things running smoothly without chaos and confrontation. But not making waves has made me ill.  I once thought it was best to stay quiet, be compliant, and hope that all would simply go away. Sadly, not making waves caused me extreme pain in my heart and soul.

I understand that you are confused about whether to talk, share with your fiancé, or to expose your father crimes to church members who sympathize with him.  Ask yourself the following questions. Would it make a difference whether or not people know the truth now that your father’s at death’s door?  Would you find a sense of calm in exposing him now?  Are you prepared for the accusations that may come when people disbelieve you?  Would exposing him now improve your life?  Are you a member of the church because you choose to be, enjoy the people you’ve befriended and come to respect? If so, the truth about your father may change the way everyone reacts to you.  Is it worth additional pain at this time?  I would wait until you discuss these thoughts with your therapist.  Do not be quick to share such intimate details of past abuse.  For me, handling the past in the a safe therapeutic setting was the best way to deal with what happened to me. I never shared with the members of my family’s church. Nor did I share with many friends and family. I needed time to heal on my own.

Cancer is not a punishment.  When your father dies he will carry all that he has done to you with him.  He will be gone.  You will be here, alive, and able to move on.  When my father died, I felt relieved.  I know that may sound harsh, but for me an enormous weight was lifted from my shoulders.

I have not forgotten the night my father died.  He signed himself out of the hospital.  He went home and the hospice workers arrived with the necessities needed for his comfort.  I didn’t know he was home when a social worker called the family together to meet at his house to talk.  When I arrived, my father was sitting in a wheel chair facing the front door. He was hard to miss.  My heart sunk at his condition, he looked skeletal, his face was sunken-in and pale.  His eyes were sad.  We made eye contact as I walked by to go to the kitchen to meet with the social worker.  I was upset that I was tricked into this visit.  The social worker tried to convince me to apologize to him. Imagine that!  I couldn’t blame her, for my mother had fed her many incorrect stories.  I decided to leave soon after, and as I walked out the door, I turned to look at him, maybe hoping to hear that long yearned-for apology.  It never came.  I paused for a moment as he waved, I waved back.  My last good-bye.  That night, seven hours later, he died.  I wasn’t there when he died.  I stayed home, on the phone with Dr. Baer.  If it weren’t for Dr. Baer that night I may have gone back to be with my brother and mother.  I thank God I didn’t.  I felt peace.

God Bless you as you start your journey to wellness. Please seek help; know that it’s important to do what’s best for you, not anyone else.

Karen