Comment By Krystyne on 16 Sep 2009 at 3:44 pm

Good morning, my dearest Karen…. I am a thirty eight year old woman who was molested as a child. I’ve grown to the point of knowing I can handle dealing with my terror. I divorced four years ago. No children. In reading your story I decided therapy might be good for me. I know I have many issues with men. Don’t trust a one! As a matter of fact HATE them all! My ex claims he cheated because he couldn’t stand being with a woman who had been sexually abused. Men are scum bags. Maybe I was wrong to tell him? Trust. Is there such a thing? I respect your opinion which hits me where it hurts, the truth. Before I call in to search for a therapist and make my appointment I would like to know what you think, if I should choose a male or female therapist? I know it doesn’t matter to most. But I believe there is a difference. Please share your thoughts on what sex the therapist should be for a past victim of child sexual abuse. Thank you. I love you for sharing your life. I hate men but think I have a few positive feelings for the doctor who treated you, Baer. At least it’s a start? right?

Krystyne

San Antonio

Dear Krystyne,

You may find my answer shocking but I once hated all men, too!  But I’ve learned through therapy and from my past not to judge and accuse out of my past pain. I empathize with the pain you have suffered at the hands of some of the men in your life, but realistically you can’t bunch them all together in one category and judge them all the same. There are good men out there! The challenge is to find one. Abusive men in general are greedy and selfish. They want all and can’t love anyone but themselves. A good man is not that way.

I believe what causes a once abused woman to attract the wrong type of man is the same reason that causes an abusive man to find that vulnerable woman who has low self-esteem. It’s the radar effect. A woman will choose the wrong type of man because it’s all they have grown to know. If a woman never experienced true fatherly love from her father figure, how will she ever know what to look for and feel confidant to choose wisely? I believe when a woman has been abused as a child, like you and me, we tend to search for a love that we never received in the first place. We fantasize about what we’d love to feel in a relationship with a man, but we still tend to choose men who are dysfunctional and abusive because that’s all we know. Maybe we believe we can fix them? Turn them into that man we desire? I don’t know. I’ve always struggled with my thoughts on why I’ve been a magnet for dysfunctional people.

As a woman, I’ve felt that if I remained compliant, men would like me. That’s not only wrong, but outrageous. Be yourself. And if a man can’t accept you, it’s his loss, and you should move on. Not all men are scum-bags. We choose the wrong men because of our low self-esteem. How does any woman understand and know what to search for when the only father she has known hurts, abuses, and destroys all her feminine feelings by taking advantage of her child innocence?

My husband changed the day he found out I was sexually abused as a child, too! I remember that day well. My temporary therapist, not Dr. Baer, told me to tell him.  BIG HUGE mistake, for it was the last time he touched me. Being told I was a victim of child sexual abuse disgusted him. I remember the hurt I felt when my husband told me he was no longer attracted to me because he believed I enjoyed being raped by my abusers.  To trust my ex-husband with my inner pain proved devastating. Of course I felt to blame.  When a father or other loved one tells a child that the abusive act performed was God’s will, how does that child know the truth? How could I, as a child, understand that the abusive attention I thought was the love of my father was not love at all? I first came to understand the truth about sexual abuse while in high school.

Please don’t give up on all men. It’s just harder for a woman who has once been abused to find that special man to compliment her life. He’s out there somewhere. Therapy may help you understand what not to look for. It helped me.

Regarding what sex your therapist should be–male or female–that depends on you. Therapists are professionally trained and it should not matter what sex they are. Originally when I called for a therapist, I was asked whether I’d prefer male or female. I didn’t know so I said it didn’t matter. The first choice given to me was a woman, but she had no availability, and then I was referred to Dr. Richard Baer, a man. During my first few sessions my hatred for men was clear to me but I never shared those thoughts with Dr. Baer. As time went on, I realized it was for the best that I had a male therapist because of that hatred. I learned to accept men by first feeling unconditionally cared for by my male therapist. I thought all men were incapable of that level of care. I was wrong. As therapy continued, I could respect men like Dr. Baer. My thoughts shifted and were replaced with new thoughts that maybe some men are okay.

Wishing you all my best as you continue your journey to wellness.

Karen