Comment by Holly on 22 Sep 2009 at 9:37 am

Suffering comes a long time for you. First abuse at the hands of your father, grandfather and his friends, to marrying an abusive husband. As you look back now to your marriage. Did you see signs that your husband to be was abusive before you married him or did the abuse come later. Did you choose you husband to be because he was like or not like your father? As you think back to all the abusive relationships you had lived what do you feel now? Your answer to Krystyne talks about men. I agree with your mature thoughts but when did you come to know most past relationships were in search of the wrong type of love? I think you are one of the strongest women alive. Thank you for all your devotion to your cause. Dr. Baer’s work with you is inspirational.

Holly

Dear Holly,

In a way, yes, I did know my husband would be abusive, but didn’t realize it at the time. As years passed, I recognized the signs that I previously ignored and kept out of my awareness. Remember, I was searching for a man unlike my father, but without knowing exactly what to look for. I thought I had chosen a husband totally the opposite of my father, but it turned out I chose in the wrong way. How could I possibly have known what to look for in a relationship based on my lack of true fatherly love?

My father wore suits and ties, appeared business-like, and never thought about camping, hunting, enjoying sports, etc. My husband was the opposite. He was the outdoors type, loved sitting around campfires, fishing, traveling, playing softball, and so on. My father would never sport a beard, but my husband did. My idea of what a good man was like led me to choose based on looks and outward preferences, not on his true self.

There were signs I never paid attention to. A few weeks before our wedding there was a day when after attending a social event, my husband-to-be had a few too many drinks and became aggressive. He pushed me into a wall. It was the first time he hit me. I saw so much anger in him. I saw the same anger in him on a visit to his mother’s home when after too much drink, she became angry, too. The next day neither of them remembered their acts of aggression, so I assumed it was the drink and not them, personally. I was not familiar with alcoholism. My father rarely drank, and I never drank. But my fathers’ friends, and a few of my abusers did, so in part I knew that might become a future problem. As I look back now, I think if a man hits you before your wedding day, then chances are he’ll continue on afterward, and sadly with more force.

During my time in therapy, I started to realize real love is not abusive. That all men don’t hit. There were quite a few times in session with Dr. Baer when I drew back from him, my therapist, because he was a man, and I thought he would hit me. That’s all I knew. Men hurt women. In my upbringing and in my marriage, if I spoke up or shared some horrific memory, I’d get hit. If I dared defend myself, I would be beaten. I was a battered, child-like woman. That’s what I felt like most of the time and the reason I stayed compliant in my marriage. I learned in therapy that what I was experiencing was domestic abuse. Before that, I thought all women were treated with disrespect.

These days I am cautious and careful not to be led into abusive relationships. Of course, because of my past abuse, it’s possible for me to make a mistake in trust every now and then. But what’s most important is that now I’m better at what to look for, what my needs are, and how to not to get involved in bad relationships. I will never allow myself to be abused again. I have strength and a voice now, and will use it.

Thank you for your compliments and for believing my work with Dr. Baer is inspirational. That’s the highest compliment!

Karen