Comment by Cammerron on 23 Sep 2009 at 9:21 pm

Dear Karen,

When your alters left you in integration did you change your appearance to look like them? After each alter integrated did you look in the mirror and see them? How did you deal with it? What about looking in mirrors? I read somewhere you hate mirrors, is that true? When you had alters what freaked you out? Do you believe the alters haunt you now like ghosts? Do you dream of your alters like they appeared before integration? Are your alters haunting your dreams saying they want back in? Out of curiosity. I am intrigued by you. I am also fond on you.

Cammerron, Alaska

Dear Cammerron,

I don’t recall much about changing my appearance as each alter switched from one to another. I may have done so at times, but definitely not enough to remember. There was really no time to change appearance and clothing because I never knew when a switch would occur. In most instances, a multiple can’t plan ahead.  Switching comes as a natural reaction to deflect something that’s uncomfortable, frightening, or something a multiple does not wish to confront. It’s an automatic response. That’s why I have a hard time believing stories where a multiple totally changes their appearance the minute a switch occurs.

I believe a true multiple can’t afford to bring attention to herself. After all, I believe alters are created to keep one functioning without notice. I tried my best to appear nearly the same at all times. That was best for me. I can’t answer for anyone else or another multiple. We each are unique and deal with our past trauma in our own way.

Mirrors. I still don’t like to look in a mirror. Whenever I glance into a mirror, I don’t see the self I feel inside. I may not recognize the woman in the mirror as me, and that can depress me. In my mind, I simply look different. During the years my alters were active, if one of them would glance into a mirror, that alter would see his or her self. Miles would’ve looked like Miles to him, Claire would’ve looked like Claire, and so on. That’s why I removed all mirrors from my home except for the bathrooms. If I lived without my husband and children, I would’ve most likely covered the bathroom mirrors, too.

The only thing my alters did to freak me out was to want to end my life by cutting away my abuse. Which of course is impossible. But you can’t explain that to a child alter. Dr. Baer had to work hard with a few of my alters so that those dark thoughts and impulses were eliminated.

Alters are not ghosts! I am not haunted by my ex-alters and never dream of them as their separate selves. I’m not sure why I never dream of them, but I don’t. My dreams are my own and rarely include past trauma and alter chaos. I am grateful for that.

Thank you for all the challenging questions, I appreciate the time you’ve taken to better understand all that I have been and have become.

I am Karen. My alters are Karen, too.