Comment by Jacqueline on 25 Sep 2009 at 9:07 am

Dear Karen,

OK, I can understand all that you write, I love your way of bringing peace, but HOW can you possibly forgive those idiots who abused you? God, I can’t even remember all the acts I suffered through being a victim of sexual abuse when I was young. I blocked most of it out. If I remembered all I would’ve killed myself long ago. I am 42 years old and have no room, not one space to forgive, and feel miserable all the damn time. I have no faith and stopped believing in God. What reason could you possibly have to forgive? What is forgiveness to you?

Jacqueline

Dear Jacqueline,

Forgiveness. That has been a tough one for me, yet it comes easier now that I’ve healed. There have been many people here on my blog and in my life that can’t understand how it’s possible for me to have been hurt so much and still try to forgive. It is not my job to judge or condemn anyone, even those who hurt me. I may forgive, but I can’t forget. I am who I am today because of the experiences I’ve suffered.

Please don’t misunderstand. I hate recalling the details that caused my mind to fragment into many alternate parts. But I have no choice; the memories still sometimes come. I had once tried to deny the truth of my past, ignore my thoughts, and not believe any of it, but with no success. Each day that I tried to ignore the truth, the more ill I became. I felt depressed, suicidal, suffered frequent nightmares and headaches, and couldn’t function knowing that I was living a lie. I had to confront my past, and within the safety of therapy, I did. It was the most difficult time of my life, yet a much needed time in my life. Before therapy, I was a prisoner within myself.

In therapy, I wrote down every memory that came to me. Writing offered me the freedom to vent without causing harm to anyone. I would journal and turn my journals over to Dr. Baer for safe-keeping. As the details of my abuse were vented away, forgiveness started to come to me as a sense of calm. Only at this time was I able to begin my journey to heal.

I believe in order to forgive one’s abusers, you need to recognize and remember how you were hurt in the first place. As a young child, I believed much of the abuse that was happening to me was from love. I never understood that it wasn’t love until during therapy. I even may have felt at times that I enjoyed being abused, because I mistook what I was feeling as something loving, when realistically it was not. When abuse comes in the form of forced, inappropriate sexuality, it confuses a child into believing she is being loved. That was the only kind of love I knew. It was hard for me to learn the difference.

Have faith that by remembering the abuse you’ve suffered, it will eventually release those fears that keep you trapped in pain. I admit I felt suicidal many times as my memories poured out of me, but after each episode, a weight lifted, and I felt stronger. Time and again I felt like ending my life, time and again I surprised myself by making it through another day. Remembering is hard, but needed, to remove yourself from your inner prison. Maybe journaling will help release the miserable feeling and anger you are experiencing.

Wishing you all my best.

Karen