Comment by Stella on 07 Oct 2009 at 6:38 pm

Hi Karen!

Still reading and learning so much from your answers here. As you know, I am not at this time able to read your book because of the traumatic content, so my question may have an obvious answer to someone who has.

Were you aware of your internal system before you started therapy, or was this awareness something that came about gradually through your therapeutic process, and if so, what did that look or feel like for you? And as a follow up, how long did it take for you to come to know all of the alters in your system? Were there times you thought all were accounted for and then taken by surprise to find others?

Quite a lot, I know, and probably not easy to answer.

Thank you as always for your time and thoughtful responses, they are invaluable.

Fondly,

Stella

Dear Stella,

Thank you for sharing your concerns about reading Switching Time. I’m glad to hear that you are trying to get to know me through my answers here on my blog. These answers are an extension of me, and all that was written in the book.  Once you start reading Switching Time, please finish. I believe if someone reads my story and stops too soon, they will be left with unresolved thoughts, unpleasant feelings, and disbelief, and not witness the true miracle of my surviving and healing from the incomprehensible illness of multiplicity.

I was aware of something going on before I started therapy; that was the reason I sought help, to find out what was happening to me. I felt ashamed and didn’t immediately reveal to Dr. Baer my losing time. I felt afraid to share the truth out of fear of appearing crazy. As time passed, I was forced to face that I lost time, all the time. There were dozens of signs that I could not explain. Losing time started to overwhelm me and brought thoughts of suicide. After I’d fall asleep, I’d noticed that while I thought I was sleeping, things got done.  When I woke, I had no explanation as to how. I had no memory of what I had done during that time. I was always exhausted. And worse, missing from memory were huge parts of my day. I always felt I couldn’t catch up with myself. I questioned my sanity.

No new alters developed during therapy; all my alters were present before therapy started. As I built my therapeutic relationship with Dr. Baer, my alters started to feel secure and slowly revealed themselves. That took more than a few years. I believe my alters were created in my childhood years. Some grew over time, but most remained a certain age always. Early in therapy there was a time when Dr. Baer and I wondered how many alters there were, and the total number of alters surprised us.

Thank you for your questions. I hope that when the time comes and you decide to read my story that you find comfort, peace, and inspiration from knowing that I survived.

Karen