Comment by Ten Four on 08 Oct 2009 at 5:10 am

Do you have the itch to fight someone? Argue them done now that you are one person? I am a multiple too but not fully integrated. I have four more to you. I am itching to fight people to stand my ground. When someone angers and hurt you to you ever feel like punching them out? Think of yourself as lower then they are? Slap the s**t of them for what they said? I integrated six of my ten and become angrier after each integration. The four left a mild compared to the others ones. Should my therapist have integrated the mild ones first? What do think about suggestions? Do you have lots of people suggesting you do this or that? Do you ever feel like telling them off? Do you? I love you Karen for sharing your life. I swear I learned more from you than my therapist and psych professor in college. More in the way because you have a heart that healed. a once damaged heart that learned to love and give hope despite the people who abuse you. Thank you Babe.

Ten Four

Dear Ten Four,

Sometimes I do get the itch to fight someone, but I never do. It’s not worth it!  People are human and some people will always annoy me. I try my best to stay away from those who aggravate me. I find myself feeling anxious when confronted by ignorant people. Dark thoughts get triggered leaving me feeling temporarily depressed. It’s hard for me to comprehend anger. I’m still learning. I find mistrust very difficult to overcome.

I don’t believe there was any particular pattern for my alters to be integrated. I believe Dr. Baer asked my alters and they decided who was to go first, second…last.  My alters had the best wisdom for who to integrate when. As each alter integrated, I regained their particular individual fragmented memories. Of course, that meant I was becoming whole and receiving more information and knowledge of what had happened to me. In turn, I felt angry at times. The process of integration can cause angry dark thoughts. How could it not? My alters were horrifically abused, protected me, and were finally sharing with me what they had spent a lifetime keeping secret.

Thank you for loving me. And thank you for sharing that my experience has brought knowledge to you in a way that textbooks can’t. That’s a very high compliment. I believe we can all learn from each other.

Karen