Comment by Jodie Jordan on 25 Oct 2009 at 1:36 pm

Karen, I am so happy that you can become one and get healed. How can I become one when I try so hard to be a woman, a female that my body tells me I am, yet deep down there is a man, a male that resides in me. It is so painful. It cost me my success and many things in life. I struggle to even progress in 1 direction as inside me there is so much conflict. What do you have to say that can make me feel better. Sometimes I am so depressed and sad. I wish I could just be normal.

Dear Jodie,

I understand how you are feeling. I know it’s hard to imagine becoming one and believing it’s possible to feel your body as your own.  I had doubts, too. I never felt quite like a woman and felt devastated when I learned that I not only had an adult male alter but four boys, too! I couldn’t understand and surely didn’t want to accept them as a part of me. That was until I understood the reason why male alters were created in the first place.

My alter Holdon was the father figure I needed, Jensen was a black male child because my father was prejudiced against race; Sidney was the little boy my father longed for; Miles was male to be tough; and Karl was male to protect and hold all pain.  Since I harbored male alters, I usually dressed casually, wore little to no make-up, and rarely wore a dress.

There were days I felt more male than female, but after integration, I clearly became all woman. I have no desire to become a man, nor do I ever feel those male parts of me anymore. I believe we all have both female and male interests within us. When life is disrupted by abuse, those feelings get confused and start to fragment, leaving us unable to distinguish who we really are. My alters are me, I am all of them. Together we are female.

I wish you all my best as you continue on your own journey. We all journey through life, and no two lives are alike.  I healed with help.

Karen