Comment by Erin Leigh on 27 Oct 2009 at 4:48 pm

Dear Karen,

I am twenty one and was raped by my uncle when I was thirteen. I am not a mpd patient but whenever my extended family gets together on holidays to celebrate I think I dissociate. I swear I must erase the entire time my uncle is present. My mom yells at me for not remembering some of the greater moments, jokes and pleasant conversations claiming I don’t care. I space out a lot with them on holidays and people tell me I am not paying attention. I don’t mean to be that way but can’t remember whenever my rapist is present. Could I have a dissociative disorder of another type? Am I blocking out like you lost time? Can you ask Dr. Baer if I should do something about my memory or forget about it? Will I grow out of it on my own? I don’t want to see a therapist because I don’t want to be medicated with psych drugs. I never have any problems with memory in any other area of my life with friends, school or work. I am honored to have read your story. I admire you courage to share. Thank you.

Erin Leigh

Dear Erin Leigh,

Thank you for sharing. I understand what you are experiencing when you are in the presence of your past abuser. I’ve felt the same many times. I know how difficult it is when one member of your family is the abuser and you wish to be with the rest of the family. It’s hard to function in that type of atmosphere. You really have no other choice but to leave, or risk bringing what happened out in the open. Either way is met with dilemma. I believe your family needs to know, in part, why you are having such a hard time at family functions.  Have you thought of sharing at least with your parents? Maybe they can help you seek the appropriate help.

I am not a therapist and can’t give advice, but I believe what you are experiencing is some form of dissociation. I don’t believe it’s the same as multiplicity. You haven’t mentioned an alter taking your place. Whenever I was in the presence of my abusers, I went “away.” I couldn’t bear to hear his voice, smell his cologne, or engage in a conversation. Immediately upon contact with my abuser, my head would start pounding; I’d become distant and feel nauseous. I thought I had to maintain composure so that no one would know the truth. Little did I know at the time that my behavior was affecting everyone around me. I was often thought of as a sick child, and never able to enjoy a holiday. My mother blamed my behavior on the after-effects of brain surgery, which wasn’t true. My illness came from being a victim of abuse.

Please seek a qualified therapist who can help you sort out those dark thoughts. I believe the longer anyone waits to address inner pain from past abuse the harder it becomes to heal. I held in my abuse and created alters.

Please know that not all therapists prescribe psych medications. I rarely if ever took medication. Talk therapy can achieve the best results. When you find a therapist, make it clear to him that you prefer not to be medicated.  The therapist will respect your wishes.

Wishing you all my best as you begin your own journey toward healing.

Karen