Comment by Callie Marie on 19 Nov 2009 at 9:48 am

Karen,

Great story! Great writing and layout. I cried a lot reading it. I think I can trust you with my question. One question.  Besides the one time of cutting to let your therapist know about the alters did you cut on a regular basis to releve your pain? Did you cut deep? I am a cutter, cut to the point of needing stitches but tape myself together well. I can’t understand why I cut. Do you think of cutting? I am thinking of going to therapy, should I? I was raped by a old man when I was fourteen and he was a ancient dirty old man of sixty something? I hate the smell of old people. I hate the smell of sex. I am not bad looking and can get a date but everytime I say yes, I cut myself and cancel. I am twenty three now but it still feels like yesterday. I would love to not think of that day or the smells. I feel sick writing this down for you. Have to go. You’re wonderful. Please help me. Can I stop or is it to late for me?

Callie Marie, Boston

Dear Callie Marie,

I’m sorry to hear that you continue to suffer in silence after being raped nine years ago. I understand the triggers of smell that haunt you. I’ve had those triggers, too. I never could understand why certain odors would trigger my wanting to hurt myself, but they did. Whenever I chose to date someone, I didn’t cut myself; I switched to an alter. I never could date a man on my own; my alters always took over. I’ve never experienced true love because of the pain of my past. I needed to learn how to love myself first. Now after integration and resolving most triggers, I’m capable of loving.  Triggers will always be present for me but learning how to recognize them can lessen the anxiety. There are times when a reminder comes, but I try to quickly deflate that particular dark thought by replacing it with something positive.

It’s never too late to start therapy. I believe therapy is calling to you. I am not a therapist and can’t give advice, but in my opinion the symptoms you share require professional help from a qualified therapist. I was not a cutter in the same way you describe. During therapy, at a time when most alters were not yet verbal with Dr. Baer, one alter decided to visually share how many alters were within me by scratching the number of alters on my abdomen. These lines were not deep, they were fine paper cuts, long in length, with each cut representing an alter.

Of course, my alter chose the wrong way to share that information. I believe my thoughts of eliminating pain with another pain were always present, but just not always acted on. I admit, a few of my alters may have stabbed or cut to eliminate one pain to replace it with another but once each alter understood the reason behind their supposed violent thought, they came to realize it was not the best option. My therapist, Dr. Baer, helped my alters understand their pain by talking through each memory that elevated thoughts of hurting me.

Please seek help as soon as you can. There are good therapists out there who can help you on your own journey to wellness. There is no need to suffer alone.

Callie Marie, I have faith in you. After all, you wrote to me, and that’s an important first step to admitting you need help.

Wishing you all my best as you begin your journey.

Karen