Comment by Angry Step-Father, Adam on 19 Nov 2009 at 10:54 am

Dear Karen,

I am the step-father of a multiple woman I raised for seven years since she was twelve. My wife and I spent thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours trying to seek what’s best for her. When we found a great therapist we were overwhelmed with joy. All was well until three months ago. She is a mess these days and causes us quite a bit of grief for the family. My wife and I feel hopeless. Our two other children’s grades are dropping in their school work for lack of our attention due to the constant stress at home. At five and seven years old they don’t understand. We won’t kick her out in her fragile frame of mind.

Before reading your book enough was enough. After I read your book the knowledge shared was helpful, we decided to change our way of approaching my daughters nine alters. Thank you for providing what people like us may never really understand about abuse. I had no idea how alters work.

I swear I am writing in frustration because I feel angry at her birth father for raping her between ages 2 and10. He is imprisoned and will be released in six more years. My daughter is nineteen and her alters are not all integrated. She has only begun to face her truth. I would like for her to be strong like you by the time her father is released. My anger has become much more intense as she loses more and more control. Why would she get worse after getting better at a steady pace for years? I don’t get it? Any information would help. I’m sorry for your suffering but happy you chose to help others.

Angry Step-Father, Adam

Dear Adam,

Thank you for sharing you story with me. I’m sorry for all the grief you and your family are experiencing, but please know that the grief is temporary. Though I am not a qualified therapist and can’t give advice, I can answer based on my own personal opinion and experience as a multiple.

I believe at nineteen your daughter is starting to come to terms with her past abuse. She has matured and may understand now more than ever the complex system that caused her to fragment her abuse. She may be recalling the details of memories of past abuse that she can’t share, leaving her feeling torn, frustrated, agitated, and alone. That’s good news in one way, but can cause turmoil for the family.

In my case, once my past memories were triggered there was no going back. Each awful memory that came up needed to be dealt with quickly in the safety of therapy. I found keeping dark memories close to my heart and away from my family to be best for me. I chose to share in my sessions only. The stress your daughter may be experiencing at this time can be high. She is maturing into adulthood and faces many new challenges. In my experience, therapy was extremely exhausting. I never talked about it with anyone. I couldn’t. To bring up what was shared would have had devastating consequences.

I’m not sure how to explain the way my family and Dr. Baer treated my alters, but for me, I believe ignoring the alters’ individuality and treating me as one person worked well.  My alters would only surface when needed to help me through some type of distress, crisis, or chaos and were there functioning without any attention drawn to them. You mentioned you and your wife are approaching your daughters alters in different ways.  Please simply treat you daughter as one person with an “attitude” at times. Please be patient, you mentioned it’s been three months, and that’s not that long.

Have you talked to someone about the anger you feel towards your daughter’s father? If not, I encourage you to do so. I’m sure your daughter senses your anger and is trying to deal with that, along with her own distress. That can add more ill feelings. Multiples are highly attuned.  Whenever I had a bad day it was most certainly caused by my being attuned to people and picking up stressful feelings from those surrounding me. Think of your daughter as a magnet, only that she will attach to the negative before the positive.

I am glad you wrote. It is my hope that there is something in what I have shared that may be of help. Please know that your daughter needs support. If integration has started, many changes are happening, please be there for her when she needs you, give her a little space to grow, and one day she will inspire you.

Wishing your family peace.

Karen