Comment by Dagmar on 24 Nov 2009 at 9:53 am

Dear Karen,

I’ve read ‘Life in Pieces’ and I need to ask you about your mother. I do not know if I have right even to ask you about her, perhaps that would be too much for you and I wouldn’t want you to feel low because of my question (could have triggered some unwanted memories). Anyhow if I don’t ask there will be no chance to know the answer.

I was wondering what have you decided regarding relations with your mother? After your father’s death, as in the book, you were in touch with your mother. Are you still in touch with her? Or if she died, were you still in touch with her until she died and what kind of relation did you have/do you have with her after completing therapy?

I am sorry if I raised an unpleasant topic in here, perhaps my questions are far too personal, but if you feel you could respond to it I would be really happy.

Wishing you all the best,

Dagmar

Dear Dagmar,

Thank you for your interest in my relationship with my mother. I don’t mind answering your questions. I appreciate your concern and the care you took in asking your question.

My mother is alive, well, and in her seventies. I do see her often, but have never formed a close relationship with her due to my past abuse. I have forgiven her, though there are moments when my hurt rises. My mother is incapable of accepting the truth of my past, but she has been told and admitted so much more than is written in the book. My mother was a victim of my father and grandfather, too. I know that she must’ve suffered greatly during those same years. But that doesn’t mean her ignoring my being abused was not a selfish act. In my opinion, she emotionally abused me by not rescuing me from my abusers. I believe abuse is abuse. My mother constantly talks about her past abuse experiences and what happened to her, but rarely, if ever, acknowledges my being abused, too. Our conversations are all about her suffering, not mine. That’s the way she is.

I care for my mother; she’s a different woman now than the once abused woman that didn’t properly raise me. That doesn’t mean she’s capable of loving me—after all she allowed me to be abused by shutting her eyes.  My mother turned her back on me, ignored the signs of my being sexually abused, and deflected truth to suit her own needs. For this reason I share my story in hope that all adults recognize the signs of child sexual abuse.

I don’t believe banning her from my life is the right choice to make. What I do is lessen my visits to a tolerable level. If I sense myself becoming agitated, I excuse myself and leave.  Since my father’s death my mother has changed for the better. Our abusers are gone. And though my mother may never read my story, she could never deny one word. This I know for sure.

Thank you for your questions,

Karen