Comment by Jennifer on 24 Nov 2009 at 11:45 am

Karen,

At this time of year I feel very depressed. When people are enjoying holiday cheer I want to end my life. Do you ever feel depressed now that you have healed? How do you deal with holiday drama? It’s not even Thanksgiving and all I can think of is the sadness of my past. I was abused during these holidays. I was raped between thanksgiving and christmas. Under the christmas tree he raped me at thirteen while waiting for company to arrive. My father. Christmas decorations remind me of that day. I am single and 20 years old. How do I face my family feeling depressed? My father and mother divorced six years ago and he won’t be around for the holidays. The reason for their divorce was me. When I was fourteen I told a counselor at school who notified my mother. My father was arrested. They divorced the day after Thanksgiving that year. I blame myself. God its hard to live knowing if I didn’t tell a counselor none of the family would hate me. My Mom tells me not to feel the blame. But the extended family give me the evil eye and I feel disgusting. I’m sorry for rambling on. I read your story and wish I had your strength and courage. When you were my age did you feel disgusting?

Thank you.

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

I hear your pain. I understand how the memories of past abuse come forth during the holidays. There are many sad reminders that trigger me into that same depressed mode. But what I do is try to replace each dark thought with a lighter, more uplifting thought.

Please don’t blame yourself for your parents divorce. In my opinion, your mother did what I only wished my mother would’ve done. She believed you and took the appropriate action by removing the abuser from both of your lives. I’m sure there were signs of their marriage ending before you revealed that your father raped you. I’m sure your mother did what was best for your family, whether the relatives believe so or not. What matters most is that your abuser is now where he belongs, imprisoned. And you and your mother are in the process of rebuilding your lives.

I am proud of you for reaching out and sharing what happened to you with your school counselor. Not every young woman at fourteen would’ve had the courage to do the same. I didn’t. I was so afraid of being judged and blamed, I kept silent. And that silence caused me distress, low self-esteem, and thoughts of ending my life. In my case, my father threatened me so badly that I feared not only for my life, but for my mother’s and my sibling’s lives as well. I didn’t tell anyone until I was in my mid to late twenties and spent way too many years suffering in silence. This may be a difficult time for you, but please know that you did the right thing by reporting your father.

Jennifer, when I was your age, I felt disgusting, too. It’s a horrible feeling to carry the rape and abuse within you. I experienced a creepy, un-clean, and nauseating feeling with me for years before I sought help. Therapy can help lessen that burden. It is my hope that you and your mom both seek a qualified therapist to help you through those dark thoughts and feelings that pop up especially during this time of year, the holidays.

Please try to create new fond memories that represent happiness during this blessed holiday. If certain reminders of your father linger, talk them over with your therapist. Dr. Baer and I talked over my triggers one at a time and once brought out into the open, the threat wasn’t so powerful and subsided. Maybe that will hold true for you, too!

Wishing you all my best as you continue your journey to healing.

Karen