Comment by Rachel on 27 Nov 2009 at 10:27 am

Dear Karen,

I am an integrated mpd person like you., My integration was completed three years ago. I usually feel depressed around the holidays and this year is no exception. How are the holidays for you? I know from experience there are many holiday triggers causing me to feel bad. Do you have holiday triggers? If you have a hard time, does Dr. Baer understand your pain during this time of year? My doctor doesn’t. Since my integration was complete my doctor assumed all should be perfect in my life. Is your life perfect now that you are fully integrated?

Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Congratulations on completing integration! After my alters integrated and merged within me there were many years of therapy needed for me to understand and deal with the reality of being one. Without alters, I no longer had the ability to switch to an alter for help. I needed to learn how to be one person. I admit those years were difficult, too. There is much more to healing than just integration. My therapy for me, as one woman, started the day integration was complete. I needed therapy for myself for more than a few years following integration.

Yes, I do suffer a few holiday triggers myself. The difference since integration is that I can better recognize these triggers. I try my best to change each dark thought into a positive one. Holidays can be rough for anyone. It’s a tense time of year, but I try not to allow myself to dwell on the past. I admit I do feel depressed at times and don’t always know the exact reason why. I do know there are certain fragrances, holiday songs, and decorations that trigger and leave me feeling sad even though I try to avoid them. What helps me is to keep in touch with my optimistic friends. I feed off of their good energy and bounce back quickly. If I surround myself with negativity, I will fall into a depressed mess. I encourage you to seek happiness within yourself. After all you are one whole woman with so much to look forward to and learn.

I’m not sure why your therapist would think you should be healed and not in need of further help as one woman. That’s a bit sad for me to hear. I’ve been fortunate that Dr. Baer understood that integration didn’t necessarily mean the end of therapy. I admit I feared it was the end of therapy but it was Dr. Baer who knew exactly what I might be facing. Instead of one fragmented woman with seventeen abused alters, after integration I became one abused woman needing to deal with all that had happened to me. I do the best I can to deal with issues on my own, but there have been times when I become stuck, sad, and depressed and need a boost of help with reality. At those times I will call Dr. Baer.

No, Rachel, my life is not perfect. I continue to struggle at times but know all that my dark moments come from some type of misunderstanding that once resolved and understood will lessen my anxiety. By the way, does anyone actually have a perfect life? I don’t think so. There is no such thing.  We are all human and make mistakes.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I believe you understand what you need and know that a call to your therapist, or seeking another therapist, is the best you can do to get through the holidays.

Wishing you all my best.

Karen