Comment by Courtney, Canada on 08 Dec 2009 at 11:30 pm

Dear Karen,

I have a background of being sexually abused. I completed therapy many years ago and found peace in my life. My children grew into teens and all that healed re-triggered. Can you share how you handled arguments and agressive teenage behavior? How did you communicate with your children and other family members even loved ones when disagreements cut you like of knife? My family blames me for everything because of the period of depression from sexual abuse memories took a toll on my life. Why do people bring up what they know damn well will hurt you? I admire you sooooooooo much! I respect you for telling your story! Thank you Karen, love you babe!

Courtney, mom of three teen stubborn girls, 14, 16, and 17

Canada

Dear Courtney,

I hear you. I am not a therapist and can’t give advice but I believe, based on my own personal experience, that you may be experiencing the re-awakening of your past abuse because your daughters are at the ages you were at the time you were being abused. Three daughters, ages 14, 16, and 17, who may be starting relationships with young men, can trigger past sexual fears, trust issues, and memories of your abuse. If I were you I would seek help either with your past therapist or a new one. These triggered feelings are real and need to be dealt with. I’m sure you will find a sense of understanding once you take a step back and reclaim yourself.

Regarding family arguments? I ignored them as long as I could until all calmed down, then I tried to talk. But that didn’t always work. I tried to diffuse anger. Though none of the usual strategies seemed to work in my family’s arguments. Everyone knew each other too well. Ultimatums ring hollow when you can’t turn your back and walk away. It doesn’t help that those who love you the most may also be the quickest to find fault. I can’t begin to share how many family members, friends, and those close to me blamed me for their own faults. I was always an easy target for someone to place blame on.

I can’t say why people use the most hurtful words, like a knife that stabs you. But I believe when certain people become angry they unconsciously use whatever they know will hurt you most. I know this because it happens to me often. At times when I voice my opinion or make a comment that doesn’t comply, I feel ridiculed and hurt by spoken words of hatred. People are human and make mistakes, but may use whatever they can to hurt when they themselves are hurting.

Thank you for sharing,

Karen