Comment by Jackie on 16 Dec 2009 at 9:25 am

Hi Karen,

Last night my boyfriend rather fiance’ hit me and raped me. I was in shock. It is rape when against my wishes, right? He was so angry with me when I told him NO, I didn’t feel up to making love. He forced me down and raped me. This morning I feel like dying because he did what my father did to me. While in the middle of the act he said the same thing my father said while raping me, I Love You and then said Am I not the best. I thought of you and my father’s abuse. I can’t marry this man. We are set to marry next March. How should I break up with him? I dont want to live with an abuser like you did. I’m afraid. Thank you Karen and Richard for teeling Karens story. I feel I can do this and end it before things get worse because of what I learned in Switching Time about abuse and the human spirit.

God Bless You both.

Jackie

Dear Jackie,

I’m sorry to hear that you were raped by the finance who vowed to love and protect you. That’s not love. Rape is rape. Abuse is abuse. And it doesn’t matter that you are engaged or whether you are married.  Sex without mutual consent is rape. I’m not a therapist and can’t give you advice, but I believe stepping out of this relationship NOW is your best option. In my opinion, if your boyfriend is abusive now, he will definitely increase the abuse after you’re married. That behavior doesn’t simply disappear with marriage.  If you don’t break it off, he will know you are a woman who will tolerate abuse, and you will have given him unspoken permission to continue it.  There are other men out there.

I am glad you don’t wish to live with an abuser and have recognized that before your wedding day. I’m not sure how you should break up with him, but I believe you may need to do so quickly, and perhaps with help or support from the police. Maybe an order of protection? Whatever you do, please don’t fall for the “make-up.” He will most certainly try to win you over again. That happened to me time and again. And after each time I went back to my ex-husband, he abused me more.

Trust your instincts. If you believe this is what you need to do, then do it. I believe you are brave just for writing and sharing your pain with me. I have faith in you. Abusers can’t help themselves; they abuse over and over again and need professional help. I know you are afraid, but think of it this way: Do you really want to live your life wondering and worrying when he’ll strike again? Will you be able to live in peace after what he has already done to you? If you spurn him again, will he feel that he owns you and rape you again? The answer may be yes. Please take care of yourself first.

I’m glad you read my story. I’m glad you chose to end an abusive relationship. I am proud of you.

I’ll be keeping you close at heart and wishing you peace.

Karen