Comment by Chessie on 07 Jan 2010 at 4:20 pm

Dear Karen,

I hate myself. I told the best guy in the world to f-off because while we were doing it I remember being raped by my father. I felt sick sick sick and told him he didn’t perform right. I called him names and demeaned him when it was me. I saw my father in him. How did that happen Karen? How did that happen? I am twenty two years old want to get married met the man of my dreams refrained from sex for over a year and insult him on the first time. What kind of f-upped woman does that Karen? Tell me if you had such experiences while doing it before and during marriage after being raped? I hurt this guy. I don’t know what to do now. This happened on New Years. We thought it would be a day a special meaning. Now New Years will bring bad memories. I ruined it. Dum Dumb. Dumb. That’s what I am. I thought I could. We planned everything out to be romantic. Wine, cheese, candles, nice motel, the works. I hurt so bad today. It’s been six days now and my guy friend tried calling me over a dozen times. I can’t answer him. I know you can’t answer me fast enough but writing to you helps. You inspire me to do something. I wish I could call you. What should I do? I read your story and follow you on Twitter even though you never change anything. I read your blog it’s comforting to know you’re there.

Desperate Idiot Living in Hell on Earth Waiting For Forgiveness For Treating My Man Horrible. Crazy Fool of a Woman.

Chessie in Tennesse

Dear Chessie,

I’m so sorry that your special day was ruined, but I believe you can change that.  Apologize.  I’m not a therapist and can’t give advice, but in my opinion I believe ignoring what had happened by not returning your friend’s calls won’t help. I know it may sound crazy but be truthful, tell him that it wasn’t him, share in part but not all. Seek help and discuss your experience with a therapist before making any decisions that you may later regret. I understand the chaos you are feeling at this time. Perhaps what you experienced may have been festering beneath the surface for some time. Something triggered that night. With flashbacks of rape, no wonder that wonderful moment was terrifying for you and misunderstood by him.

I’m not sure whether my thoughts will be of help, but my first time, after being repeatedly abused for years, was difficult, too. I dissociated most if it and dared not tell the man I loved. I apologized, but he could tell something wasn’t quite right from the start and we talked it through, not that night, but a few weeks later. The fact that your friend has been trying to reach you for nearly a week shows that he must care about you. Be as honest as you can without going into detail. I never shared the details of my abuse early on. It takes time to heal, but if he loves you, as I suspect he does, he will encourage you seek help and support you along your journey.

It sounds to me that you had great hope and love for this man. I admire you for all the precautions you took and waiting to make that first night special for the both of you. That’s very romantic. Your friend knows the effort you made for that night. You refrained from intercourse for a year to be sure of what you heart desired was true. You built trust with him, planned everything for a beautiful first time, and tried your best to feel good about your decision to move forward in your relationship. Sounds like this man is a very special man that you really want to love and receive love from in return. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. You were once a victim. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. The man who loves you will understand that.

Wishing you all my best.

Karen