Comment by Beulla on 18 Jan 2010 at 10:46 am

This is Beulla. I was reading the book and saw you had a black alter. Now after your intregrated do you feel part black. What do you think of when you look at black people? I am black with a white father that I never remembered. I was told he raped my mama and I was a result of that rape. My mama never gave me up but she married a black man when I was eight years old. I never told anybody this before you today but this man raped me. I didn’t tell anyone because he said I was already unpure for being a child born from a rape. He said my mama shouldve given me up. I am sad by your story but feel okay to look for someone to talk to. If you could do it I think I could to. I am 19 years old and still livin with my mama. I didn’t tell her I know yet but her husband and my auntie told me. Should I talk to my mama? Shes a realy sweet and wonderful woman. I am not ashamed to be half white and half black. Just ashamed that I was born a bastard of rape.

Thank you, Mam.

Beulla the Beautiful Black Babe

Dear Beulla,

I’m sorry that your stepfather and aunt shared your story with you. I believe your Mom may have been trying to protect you from knowing the truth because she loves you. If your mother didn’t love you, she wouldn’t have kept you. The fact that your stepfather raped you and said such awful things to belittle you is abuse. The insults you’ve received are not only inappropriate, but intentionally controlling and hurtful. I am not a therapist and can’t give advice, but in my opinion your stepfather should be imprisoned for rape. He’s a criminal.

Please know that you are a victim. You are not impure. Just because you were conceived in rape does not mean that you are less of a human being. Please seek help with a professional therapist who can help you see the beautiful person you are. I also believe you should share your knowledge of your past with your mother. I’m sure your mama will be devastated at first but will understand and help you, too! Please never be ashamed of who you are. You are God’s child, a true miracle, and loved.

Regarding my alters, I did have a black alter, and throughout my childhood I felt, in part, black. I believe the reason I developed my alter, Jensen, who was eleven years old, was because my father was a very prejudiced man. My father disliked all races that weren’t white. I hated his prejudices and often cried for those of color. My way of coping with my father’s foolish attitude was to become part black myself. I was glad to have found out I had a black alter, because I knew I would never harbor ill thoughts against any race. Jensen was a gift. I don’t see color when I look at anyone. I don’t see age or sex. What I do see is a person’s spirit, heart, and goodness.

Thank you for your very interesting questions and for sharing your pain. My thoughts and prayers will be with you as you seek help and journey to wellness.

Wishing you all my best!

Karen