Comment by Lilly, Grieving Soul in Pittsburg on 23 Jan 2010 at 5:41 pm

Karen,

Please help me. I don’t know what to do. I just received word that my therapist was killed in a car accident. All the person told me was the service is private. I am not allowed to attend. I am beside myself in grief, how could his family be so cruel? I was a patient for seven years. He was like my father to me. I want to die to be with him. What am I to do? How do I find out information? Am I to sit at his grave and talk to him or what? Karen, if your Dr. Baer would die what would you do? Would his family tell you? I am upset. Who will I talk to now? What happens next? 
I am sorry to write to you. I can’t think clearly and just read your book. You are so understanding to people in your answers I guess I am hoping you can help me too. 
I will write you again to share about your amazing story. I just talked to my therapist about you two weeks ago. He read your book too and now he’s gone.

Lilly, Grieving soul in Pittsburg

Dear Lilly,

I hear your pain. I’m very sorry about your loss. I would be devastated, too! That was cruel for the family to not allow you your opportunity to grieve. In my work I’ve come to know that services for the deceased are really for the living. I would need proper closure, and if not allowed to grieve, would never comprehend nor believe in my therapist’s death.

In my opinion, your therapist’s family’s desire to keep his services private is not only selfish but also disrespectful to you and his other patients. I wonder if your therapist’s sudden death didn’t leave time for instructions as to his wishes? I’m sure if he knew he was dying from an illness, he would’ve made sure his family included his patients, at least those patients like you who have built a strong bond with him.

I’m not sure what Dr. Baer’s family would do if anything were to happen to him. I do know that if I weren’t told or invited that I would definitely make a big deal out of it.  I would hope Dr. Baer’s family would understand the bond we shared. Dr. Baer has been like a father to me. I can’t bear to think about his dying before me.

I’m glad you wrote to me. Please know that your therapist may have someone backing him up that will help you with his loss. Keeping your therapist’s memory in a good light will help you. I’m not sure what happens when someone loses her mentor, supporter, and confidant. I am not a therapist, but in my opinion there has to be someone who will be assigned to be there for you.

My heartfelt prayers will be with you. Please know that your therapist didn’t leave you. It was an accident.

Wishing you a sense of calm and understanding while you grieve. If you’d like, please write me again.

Karen