Comment by Cable on 01 Feb 2010 at 11:13 pm

Karen,

Hi. I read your story and wanted to tell you how much it means for us people who have been abused. I was abused one tenth of what you were abused and I can’t function at all. I feel creepy, dirty, undeserving of love, incapable of receiving what I deserve. I went to college and have earned a associate degree in Business and work as a janitor because of the way I feel. I clean dirt because I feel like dirt. After reading your story I felt something stir deep inside. I can’t change how I feel and looked for help. I live near Eagle River, Wisconsin and found a psychologist to meet with twice a week. I told him of your book and he will read it before my next session. I told him it was through you I realized I can overcome my being raped twice by my father. The difference between us I am a twenty four year old male. Haven’t had a serious relationship, am torn whether I am gay or not because I am afraid of relationships period. Besides my being raped I consider myself a virgin. My question is, I will respect you if your don’t wish to answer, is: When you found yourself in a relationship leaning toward commitment, marriage and love did you share that you were a victim of rape or claim to be a virgin? I never knew a boy could be raped. I guess rape is rape. Is it wrong for me to not share with the woman I become active with? Does being raped at 12 and 13 make me gay? Did you share before marriage? Many questions I have for my therapist. I apologize. Not intended to hurt you. Thinking out loud. Need to know how to move forward. I would like to know what to do. I know you are not a therapist but I need your answer because of your experience. No therapist can identify with us.

Thank you.

Cable

Dear Cable,

I hear you. I’m sorry for all that you have endured. I can empathize with what you feel. But each day is a new day, a fresh start, and you have the ability to leave your past behind you, just as I have. Of course, that’s easier said than done, but it’s possible. Feeling creepy, dirty and undeserving can paralyze you if you are not careful to recognize those feelings, deal with them, and let them go. The dark thoughts you have come from your past. It’s important to seek help with a therapist and work through your feelings of inadequacy. I have been burdened by the same. It’s taken many years for me to overcome those feelings. What an amazing feeling to have that burden lifted. I continue to learn something new about myself each day.

Regarding your many thought provoking questions, I will try to answer to the best of my ability. First, no, I did not share that I was a victim of sexual abuse during my relationships, including that with my husband, until years into our marriage. It was never my intention to deceive my dates and relationships by not sharing; I simply had compartmentalized that horrific time of my life and never had a reason to share. I don’t believe anyone needs to share past pain when entering a relationship. I don’t believe that’s being dishonest. I believe there is a time and place for everything, and at the beginning of a relationship is never the right time.  A relationship needs time to strengthen before it can withstand a blow like that.

I was fortunate that my alters kept all my memories separated and stored until I was able to deal with them. That time came six years into my marriage. Of course, I was aware of things within myself that were not comfortable or right. I just couldn’t identify them. I believe I was in survivor mode my entire life.

Yes, a boy can be raped. Rape is rape. When a child is raped by an adult who controls them into submission in any form, that is abuse. I’m not a therapist and can’t give advice, but I believe there is nothing that says boys who are raped become homosexual. I would share these thoughts with your therapist. Please know that being a survivor of rape myself, like you, comes with many years of heartbreak while you journey through discovering your true self. I believe you can overcome your fears. It will be difficult but I assure you one day those dark thoughts will step aside and allow you to love yourself, and love another.

Wishing you all my best as you journey to wellness. I have faith in you.

Karen