Comment by Elizabeth on 15 Feb 2010 at 11:12 am

Dear Karen,

Since integration was a success do you still dissociate? In other ways? When life becomes unbearable? I integrated my four alters years ago and am dissociating still. Most days. It all comes back but not the same. I can’t describe. Do you understand me?

Elizabeth

Alabama

Dear Elizabeth,

I understand. I would have to answer yes and no. In a strange, unexplainable way, I compartmentalize certain things that stress me. For instance, I have a hard time dealing with some things, such as time. I can’t seem to comprehend the passage of time. I believe this is the result of my previous dissociation, because time kept shifting for me. I try my best not to put things aside, but it continues to happen. I never forget anything; I just misplace things I can’t deal with. I put up a WALL (wait a little longer). When triggered back into my life and the problem gets re-introduced, it can cause me stress and anxiety. If this is what your experiencing then I would say that’s normal for an integrated recovering multiple.

I believe although integrated, some of the very same behaviors and mannerisms can surface time and again. The difference is now it’s up to me to resolve it on my own. I no longer have alter help and can’t blame my alters for something misplaced. It’s hard for me to understand why this can happen but as time passes, it happens less. I consider my life a daily challenge. I am one woman doing my best to survive reality in a way I’d never experienced before.

I wish you a sense of calm as you adjust to your new-found reality. Alters who have integrated will always remain a part of you but not as independent separate parts. Whatever your alters’ disabilities and thoughts were before integration, they are still present, just diluted. It took me eight years in therapy after integration to start to feel as one.

Karen