Comment by Ella Rose on 19 Feb 2010 at 1:48 pm Karen!!!!!!!!
OMG OMG OMG What a miracle you ARE!!!!! I would have killed everyone in sight. I believe God held your hand back from attacking more than many times. What can you say to help people who do attack and kill their abusers? What could you say prevents some from acting on impulse and not you? What can you say is why you kept secrets and feelings close without revealing them to someone? What made you not wish to kill your therapist? I would have killed him after telling him my story. I love your determination to survive but you must have had divine intervention. Angels must surround you. God must love you. Does your therapist know how lucky he is to be alive? Did you ever want to hurt him? The beginning of the book I was pissed at him. By the end he was okay. But really didn’t he piss you off? You are a true survivor. Thanks for allowing your story to be told.

Ella Rose

Charlotte, NC

Dear Ella Rose,

I understand how you feel. I’ll admit I had thoughts of eliminating my abusers from my life, but not by killing them. I would have preferred for them to suffer their remaining days imprisoned, unable to touch or abuse another child or adult ever again. A lifetime imprisoned for their acts isn’t long enough so I assume their afterlife will also be pure hell. I know God forgives and has died for us, but I can’t see those who abuse getting off that easy.

If I had killed my abusers, I would’ve been imprisoned for life after already living in my own inner prison. I’ve already experienced enough pain to last my lifetime, and I don’t need to think about the bars of a prison cell. I’ve learned that having dark thoughts against those who hurt me was okay, as long as I didn’t act on them. Keeping secrets is a coping mechanism. I was taught never to be aggressive. If I were to show signs of aggression or refusal, my abuse would’ve been much worse. I feared death. Being compliant with alter help was my best way to survive

Killing my therapist, Dr. Baer? Now why would I do that? Dr. Baer was the only man I could trust to accompany me on my journey to heal. No matter how horrible I was, he stood by me, unconditionally caring for me, all the way through today. I was lucky to have found him and believe he was God-sent. I hated men, all men, and working with Dr. Baer was a challenge. I wanted to give up time and again, but he never bought into that. I couldn’t end my life like I wanted to because I knew my death would devastate him.  Please know that Dr. Baer is a good man and though there were times I became angry with him, and he with me, I knew my anger was misdirected. Dr. Baer was safe to express my anger to. I am grateful for all that he’s done for me.

My survival took teamwork. My faith in God, angels, Dr. Baer, friends, family, and my alters gave me the will to live without shame and pain. I know God loves me.

Thank you for sharing, expressing your concerns, and for your compliments! I love challenging questions.

Karen