Comment by Bob on 15 Mar 2010 at 3:16 pm

Hi Karen!

I am married to a brilliant woman who suffers as you did. My concerns are a bit difficult to form into words but when you were married did your husband address your alters by name? Or call on them when he needed them? We’ve been married three years and recently one alters resurfaces and claims I never call her out and care. I assumed it wasn’t appropriate to call on another alter when married to my wife. In my own confusion I am unclear what to do? My wife stopped therapy, which I was against her doing, and now things are popping up out of the ordinary. I thought maybe I should go to therapy myself but don’t wish to dealt with a therapist asking questions like “If you knew there could be possible marital problems marrying your multiple wife then why did you marry her?” Switching Time was well worth reading. I have gained self-esteem and strength in learning about the illness. Thank you Karen.

Bob 
E.P.

Dear Bob,

Thanks for sharing. I’m not sure if I ever answered a question like yours before, but will do my best. My husband didn’t address my alters by name because my alters did not share that information with him. My alters named themselves and rarely used their names for fear of drawing attention to us. Multiplicity is a coping mechanism. It was important that I be protected from harm, and drawing attention to any differences, such as names, would just aggravate the situation. For instance, if my husband and I were out at a restaurant and he assumed he was talking to me but another alter was present, it may have caused a scene. My alters never sought attention; they chose to live my life for me when I was unable to.

I’m glad Switching Time was helpful to your understanding, but please know that the book doesn’t replace therapy. A good therapist will not judge you. Of course, during the course of therapy difficult questions may be asked, but only to help you move forward to a better understanding of your own thoughts and feelings. Sometimes bringing out a pain provides resolution previously unavailable to you. If your wife has stopped therapy and life for the two of you is changing for the worse, it may be time to seek help not only for your wife, but for yourself, too.

Wishing you all my best.

Karen