Comment by Laurin on 28 Mar 2010 at 1:54 pm

Hello Karen,

I’ve just stumbled upon this website and read a few of the comments and questions that people are posting. I am in the midst of going through therapy in order to deal with DID and the abuse that has happened in my life. I haven’t read the book but there seems to be something about this site that triggers an angry feeling. When you talk about integration do you mean that you’ve destroyed your helpers? That’s what I call the alters. Or is it just that you have constant communication within you that allows you to be present for every situation you come across? I know there are different schools of thought on what constitutes ‘recovery’ of DID. What is your take on this?

Thank you.

Dear Laurin,

I am glad you wrote to me before reading my story during your own therapy. I can empathize with your angry feelings. It’s hard to read any material on multiplicity while in treatment yourself. That’s one reason I never read any MPD or DID books during my therapy years. I tried to but I always became overwhelmed with distress. You may not be aware of what triggered your anger because it may be unreachable, just under the surface. Perhaps your alters felt threatened because you pictured integration as your alters being destroyed? In my integration, nothing was lost, except the walls between the alters. No two cases are alike. It’s important to trust your instincts and let go of everyone else’s.

I am not a therapist and can’t give advice, but in my opinion I believe you are trying to understand what’s in store for you, in the best way you can, before you begin to integrate your alters.  Integration is not the killing or destroying of your helpers, or forgetting all that they have done for you. Integration is a merging, a blending, of all your alters within you, to become one person, with the pain of the past shared by all the parts of you together, so you can begin to come to terms with it.

Think of your alters in this way. Each alter is one piece of a puzzle, one part of a whole, and unless all pieces are inter-connected, you can’t see the whole picture of your past, present, or future life. I mourned the idea of each alter’s unique separateness leaving me, but by merging them together, I knew they were being blended within me. After all these years there are times when I feel a bit more like one of them. The feelings are subtle, but I welcome them, and I never add a past alter’s name to those thoughts. I am now one woman with a variety of interests. I never lost my alters. I carry them with me everyday, just not as separate parts of me. My alters are me. I am my alters.

My thought on recovery is being able to live my life as one, with the awareness that I will no longer lose time to another part of me. I am available as myself at all times. My thoughts are my thoughts and I never lose time. I don’t miss the exhaustion from alter chaos. I am living a life I once thought impossible.

I am a recovered integrated multiple. I am a survivor. Thank you for sharing.

Karen