Comment by Stan on 02 Apr 2010 at 12:57 am

Karen,

Please describe what it felt like to be manipulated and controlled into the state of mind which caused you to split or switch? Can you recall the level feeling of pain felt during your abuse and share one of your experiences? Any one?

Thank you. Stan

Dear Stan,

My feelings? They’re hard to explain but I will try my best to answer you. It’s a horrific paralyzing feeling, the worst pain you can imagine, a pain unlike any other, pain that is so extreme that I would rather sever a limb than feel it.  And when in the middle of this extreme emotional pain, I’d let go, hoping to die, praying for God to take me, letting go to another world where l never felt pain again, an alternate world run by the alternate parts of me. A world within myself, my own inner world where my pain was split into fragments to other separate parts of me.  My mind created different parts of me, each one holding fragments of my many pains. I let go and split myself up in order to one day live again.

For me to survive, I had to be many different people in one. I had to be the perfect child, the vulnerable sick child, the child who pretended all was well, the child who attended school and believed in God, the children who adapted to each and every situation, event, or episode of abuse in order to stay alive. If I had not been compliant, I believe I may have been killed. That was what I was taught. As  a child, my abusers coerced me into compliance. My abusers used God and evil simultaneously to keep me trapped in fear.  I tried to sense ahead of time when I would be abused. Then my mind started the preparation for survival. I would become numb, trancelike, and do what I was told to try to lessen the impact of the abuse. I always switched before, during, and after being hurt so that not one alter experienced an entire abusive act.

Dr. Baer may be able to explain my mind better than me. I’m not sure if your question was answered but hope my answer helped in some way.

Karen