Comment by Elena Z. on 13 Apr 2010 at 8:36 am

Karen,

Did you ever believe when you were a child that you would be alive as an adult and share your story in a book? Was there someone in particular who inspired you before you started therapy? I read somewhere that you kept journals as a child. What happened to them? I am amazed at how much detail you recall. I can’t remember what I did yesterday. How do you think you can remember so much? I love that you inspire so many people. I am going to look you up on Facebook.

Elena

Dear Elena,

No, I never imagined I’d share my story. Actually I never imagined I’d be alive and well and living a life I never thought possible. As a child, I had many dreams but they were often clouded by a never-ending cycle of abuse. I’m glad I fell into the right hands and found the help I needed to move forward with my life.

There were a few people along the way who have inspired me. Not by any person in particular, but I would find inspiration in books and stories about strong, independent women. I would fantasize being rescued and loved by someone. As an adult, I’ve learned to trust, but I’ve also been let down. I’ve made mistakes and learned many lessons.

I can’t ever remember not keeping a journal. As a young girl, I wrote every day. My grandmother would buy me those black and white composition books to write in. I wrote down my thoughts and feelings and shared my pain with my journal as if my journal was my only friend. One day, my mother found them hidden in a hope chest in the attic where I hid them and started reading one. That was all it took for her to gather them up and dump them in the kitchen sink and light fire to them with a match. Sometimes I can still see the flames and smell the sulfur from the burnt matches. I was devastated. I remember that day clearly. I believe the reason my memories remain so clear is that they were burned into memory from the trauma that surround them.

I’m not sure of how I remember so much, but at times I wish I could forget. I believe my journaling as a child kept my memories alive.  Once I wrote them down, they were hard to forget.

Thank you for your questions. I look forward to your Facebook friendship.

Karen