Comment by Lisa on 13 May 2010 at 8:41 am

Hi Karen,

I feel sad. It’s the middle of the night and I integrated my first alter yesterday. I read your book and thought I knew what to expect but feel sad anyway. Could it be I expected a quick fix? Did you feel my way? I feel suicidal at the moment but read somewhere here that you said the feeling will pass ‘This too shall pass’ is what you said. I know I won’t receive your answer before my next appointment. I don’t expect an answer at all. I was thinking of you and your strength and courage and faith. I have agreed to integration only after hearing what it did for you. I would love to know how you are handling life today without your alters. I wish you had written a follow-up book. I miss the one who integrated yesterday. Patsy was fifteen and caused me a lot of stress. Patsy finally calmed down after years of therapy and was first to want to integrate. I loved the new her, the new improved Patsy with therapy. I will miss that Patsy, not the one who caused me grief at first. Enough said.

Thank you to being someone I could write to in the middle of the night. Who else can I share with this unbelievable process? People already think I am a crazy person. (joking). Thank you Karen. Thank you Richard Baer. Just providing knowledge helped me make my decision to integrate. If this were fifty years ago you and me may have been locked away in a sanitarium. Can you believe how time changes thoughts on the mentally ill. Love you Karen. Sleep tight. I know I’ll be okay. I am brave like you. I am smart like you. I even care about people like you.

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Thank you for sharing! I understand how you’re feeling. I felt the same way, too. There were many thoughts running through my mind after each integration, but the first was the hardest. Dr. Baer and I had no idea what to expect—how I would react, how we would feel, and whether integration would work. But we tried and were successful. Why? Not just because of the integration, but the years of therapy and healing that led up to integration. Integration was simply the last step before growth in a new direction. I never lost my alters through integration; I gained the best part of each of them. My alters are me. I am my alters.

I admit, I felt suicidal, too. Integration is a huge challenge. There are expectations, wishful thinking, and fantasies that everything will be perfect. But that’s far from the truth. Integration is a step toward healing, but not the end of healing. After integration, it took a few more years to become one integrated woman, who gained all senses, wisdom, and knowledge from the many different parts of me. That alone began a new path on my journey to wellness.

I am glad you chose to write me in the middle of the night and appreciate that you understand my response may be slow to post. It’s my hope you are feeling much better now that a bit of time has passed. I have faith in you. I believe you will survive, too. Take time to heal. Remember this is your time. One day when your integration is complete you will look back and see that you have not lost anything, but gained all that you need to move forward.

Wishing you all my best for an abuse free future filled with good things, happiness, and success!

Karen