Comment by Carol on 09 Jun 2010 at 3:21 pm

Hello Karen,

Your book was powerful and moving to me. My dear father was abused, never split, but did kill himself at 43 (I was 17). Now I live with a friend 42 who is deeply depressed due to continual physical abuse when a child, and I strive to help him as he will not seek a therapist. Your amazing story has showed me ways to tell him that, while he has a sad and despairing side, he also has an extremely strong side of himself, a side with faith, a side that holds up fairness and truth — I’ve been able to clearly discern how many attributes we all have that can counter and help one survive the terrible memories.

Reading a recent post of yours, I do agree that he must recall and acknowledge what happened to him, to lessen the control it all has over him. He weeps every time he says how he was hurt (mostly bashing in the head with ceramic, glass mug, against the stone wall, etc.), and how he didn’t deserve that as a child. He does not want to remember and cry, but it seems his reaction lessens the more he says the words. I’m doing the best I can to help him, am committed to him, and pray for his healing. Your book has given me so many insights into surviving the pain. Thank you, and God bless the work you are doing here.

Carol

Dear Carol,

Thank you for sharing! I’m sorry to hear of your father’s suicide and your friend’s struggle from past abuse. I believe your simply being there for him during this time will be of help. During my healing I felt alone when my ex-husband chose not to listen. I couldn’t talk about my past with anyone but my therapist. I longed for someone to care for me as you care for your friend.

Abuse is abuse, and healing from abuse is a life-long journey. I have learned that no matter how hard I fought my own dark thoughts, they continued to trigger in me time and again. Though I am not a therapist, in my opinion, I found my strength talking in the safety of my therapist’s office. As therapy progressed, my triggers lessened to a tolerable level, and that’s when my healing began. Talk therapy is best. I believe the best we can do is try to take a deep breath, acknowledge each memory, accept the dark feelings as belonging in the past, feel them, let them go, and try one’s best to move forward.

Please know that a time will come when your friend will know he needs help, a time when he can no longer deny his pain, and he will seek it.  When he is ready, listen and gently guide him, without telling him what he should or should not do. I started therapy when I felt beyond repair, lost hope, and my faith was tested.

I understand why your friend does not wish to remember. No one wishes to remember past abuse, cry, and feel the pain of past. But sadly, it’s not something one can control. I tried to hide my pain, but that only made me ill; carrying the past was like carrying my coffin strapped on my back. It was heavy, awkward, and disabled me from moving forward.

Wishing you and your friend my best! Have faith and healing will follow.

Karen