Comment by Delores on 09 Sep 2010 at 11:54 am

Dear Karen,

I just finished your book and there are not enough words to express my feelings. My heart goes out to you in so many ways, having experienced the time losses you described and the disassociations. You are a strong and sensational woman. One of my questions is, how did (if you were able to) come to understand Jesus after you were reintegrated? I still struggle with that – although not so much understanding Jesus but believing in a church and doctrines.

Bless you – always.

Dear Delores,

Thank you for your kind thoughts and compliments! Just sharing that you finished reading my story means a lot to me. I understand that it can be overwhelming and hard to take, but it was important to share in hope to bring understanding and knowledge to a much misconstrued illness. I can hear in your voice that you have taken the journey along with me. And I truly appreciate you for sharing your experience reading it.

I also understand your struggle.  I also continue to struggle with church and doctrines. But I believe Jesus loved me from early on, although I admit I could never understand why I never received His help in the many ways I asked Him throughout the years. As I moved forward after integration, I knew in my heart that God could not have prevented the abuse that happened to me.

I believe God gave me the greatest gift of all; dissociation, a coping mechanism to help me survive until I was ready to deal with my inner injuries. As a child, I was unable to help myself and received alter help. As an adult, my need for alters diminished and were no longer needed in the same way.

My faith was tested many times. I lived most of my years feeling spiritually drained, but hopeful. Time and again I wanted to die, for I assumed my pain was greater than I was. But it wasn’t. I prayed for strength, and as time passed, I became stronger. My healing started once I learned about trust, patience, love, support, kindness and unconditional care. I received these in the form of a gift from God. I believe my therapy and relationship with Dr. Baer was God sent. I believe that Jesus never left me and cried along side me all the time.

Though raised in the Catholic church, I have yet to feel at home in any one particular church. Please know that what happened to me was not the fault of any one church, but by sick, perverted men who claimed their Catholic faith gave them the right to abuse under God’s name.

Thank you for your thought provoking questions. It’s my hope that I have made some sense.

Karen