Comment by Jen on 13 Sep 2010 at 8:54 pm

I just stumbled onto this site. I was diagnosed as Bipolar I almost one year ago. I am a working professional, have a house, and a 3yr old daughter. I have recently become interested in meditation and building a meditation practice for the purpose of becoming more “aware” and to allow some positive affect to enter into my life. As my meditation deepened, I became filled with sadness and rage and have become bombarded with fragmented memories of my childhood. My therapist and I worked through the DES and I scored fairly high, I guess. Now I have become aware of my dissociative experiences during therapy and throughout my day. I have become extremely distraught as I have also become aware of my limited memory for childhood experiences. I have complete blackouts (under the influence of small amounts of alcohol only) for several hours at a time, almost always when sexual advances are involved. Very recently, in a hypnosis session, my therapist approached the 5yr old part of myself and my father appeared and spoke to my therapist. He told her to leave “5″ alone, among other things that I cannot recall. The “introject” has been locked in a room ever since and my therapist wants to speak to him soon, stating she cannot leave someone locked up like that. I do not know what is happening to me and I am very scared to let this introject out of the room. I am trying to ignore the voices I hear daily, telling myself I am making all of this up. I don’t understand why this has suddenly happened. My life feels completely out of control now and I am a very control-oriented person. I do not want to discuss any of this with my psychiatrist as she has my diagnosis firmly cemented as bipolar. I have what I guess I would call “rapid cycling,” but I become so enraged sometimes that I am afraid of what I may do. I have read extensively about dissociative identity disorder, including half of “Switching Time” (which I had to put down). As I understand it, an alter will simply communicate when they are ready and the “host” will likely be amnesiac for the event…I know I have several people living inside me, but am not able to accept a diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder because the lack of control scares me to death! Your story saddened me to the deepest levels and I think you are such a strong, creative person. Did you have any reservations in accepting your diagnosis once presented?

Dear Jen,

I know it’s hard to hear your diagnosis. It was for me, too. But I never asked what was wrong with me and it was a few years into therapy when I gained enough courage to come out and ask Dr. Baer. I always knew something was very different and troubling about my losing time, but I’d never heard too much on M.P.D. I did know that I shied away from movies like Sybil. I couldn’t understand why until near the end of my therapy.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. If you have doubts about your diagnosis, seek a second opinion. It’s very difficult to find the right therapist to accompany you on your journey. In the beginning it was difficult for me to trust anyone with my thoughts and memories, including Dr. Baer. I believed I would be hurt, not believed, but locked up or worse. It takes time to heal. Know your limitations and set your therapy at your speed, not your therapist’s idea of what is right for you. Therapists can be wrong, too, they are only human.

I am not a therapist and can’t give advice, but I believe if your therapist is trying to persuade an alter about something before trust and rapport is established, that can cause alter chaos. Sometimes doctors are quick to diagnose. My symptoms, my alters, took time to reveal themselves.

I appreciate you sharing that you have only read the first half of my story. I can imagine how hard it is for you to read a book that triggers up many feelings and memories of your own abuse. But stopping midpoint can cause more stress. I would like to encourage you to finish reading my story for closure. The first half of the book is a hard read but the second half will provide you with a sense of calm knowing there is hope of healing. I believe the end, my survival, is the best part of the book. Please write back if you should finish reading and have questions.

Trust your instinct. Wishing you all my best for a healthy and successful therapeutic journey.

Karen