Comment by Jesse on 23 Oct 2010 at 2:53 pm

Dear Karen,

What are you called now after integration? Do you consider yourself mentally ill? Are you diagnosed with some other disorder? Are you receiving professional care? I am curious what integration will bring if I agree to it. My psychiatrist said I will become normal like everyone without a diagnosis. I find his statement confusing. I would love to believe him but can’t. I am asking your view on disolving your illness. Does Dr. Richard Baer believe in writing you off as 100% normal? Can you survive without the mpd label attached? What are you? Can you define yourself? Do you require maintenance support? More therapy? Life help? Education to re-enter civilzation like those who were traumatized during war? In my confused mind I need to know what you believe is helpful to your sanity? What do you live for? Why are you living? At what cost did writing your story cause you? I know I am asking a world load of questions but I would be very grateful for your response. I trust you to tell me the truth. Doctors lie.

Jesse

Dear Jesse,

WOW! There are many questions here, enough to write a book on! I will try my best to answer some of them. First. I no longer consider myself mentally ill since integration. I have always thought my multiplicity was disabling, but not a permanent illness. For me multiplicity was a coping mechanism that kept my brain healthy by compartmentalizing my abuse into small sections, like pieces of a puzzle, until as an adult I was able to deal with the fact that I was sexually abused in a horrific way.

What do I call myself these days? I’m not sure. I don’t believe there is a label, but there were a few times I referred to myself as a recovering multiple. I say recovering because recovered sounds too final. I believe my journey is life-long. Just because my alters and I survived integration doesn’t necessarily mean I have no issues left to work on. There are moments now when I could use someone to talk things over with. But everyone needs to talk to someone sometime. I continue to require emotional support and try my best to live my life in a way I once never thought possible.

Normal? Define normal. I don’t believe anyone who has suffered severe abuse and multiplicity can be really normal, because there are always issues of past abuse to deal with. What is normal for me may be not normal for you. We all are unique. In my opinion, the word normal should never be used.  I’m not sure what your therapist meant by normal without a diagnosis.

I try my best not to dwell on my traumatic past and instead live with hope of an abuse-free future. I try not to look back, but I admit it’s sometimes hard to look forward. I live each day to the best of my ability. If I were you I would relax and allow your therapy to progress naturally. Integration was the best decision I made. Trust your therapist to guide you; he or she is there to help, not hurt you. There is no sure foolproof way of knowing what life will bring after integration. That’s being realistic. Just take one day at a time and do your best.

Wishing you all my best on your own journey to wellness!

Karen