Comment by Roger on 13 Nov 2010 at 1:41 am

My wife is a woman with D.I.D. We have been married ten years. I never knew she suffered from sexual abuse as a child until two years into our marriage after a car accident left her with a back injury. I read your story and it’s helped me understand her grief. My questions are:

1. After your daughters traumatic birth did your sexual intimacy resume or halt?

2. After therapy started did your feelings before your daughters resume or halt?

3. How long did it take for intimacy to return to your marriage?

4. Did your husband understand your abuse?

5. Was you husband a participant in your therapy?

6. I notice you divorced. Was it because of your illness or lack of intimacy?

7. Who refused who?

I am trying very hard to live with difficulty. My wife is important to me but acts as if I am a predator which requires one thing, sex. I am not that guy. I love her.

Thank you.

Roger

Dear Roger,

I’m sorry for the lateness of my response. I hope my answer will be of some help in the New Year. I will try my best to answer most of your questions.

My daughter’s birth was traumatic and problematic. I became ill with pneumonia and had a few life threatening situations. The circumstances surrounding my daughter’s birth caused my past abused life to re-surface in an unexpected and incomprehensible way. I was very afraid to share this and kept my thoughts secret. Six weeks in the hospital and many months of healing did put a halt to the intimacy in my married life. My husband and I were at a loss, and tried to regain what once was, but that proved to be difficult. I was not the same woman he married. My alters resurfaced and caused chaos. I couldn’t even remember being married. Therefore, I couldn’t respond to my husband as his wife.

Intimacy took more than a few years to return to our marriage. We were faced with many challenges and always tried our best. Dissociation helped and hurt. We never knew what would happen when feelings arose. My husband never understood the abuse I suffered in my past. Actually, because I dissociated he felt I betrayed him by not sharing it all before marriage. But “I” was not aware of it until after my daughter’s birth. Dissociation was my coping mechanism and temporarily removed my past experiences of being abused. My husband, because of his alcoholism, chose not to participate in my healing journey. He chose to judge and blame me for allowing myself to be abused. He assumed I had a choice and could simply say NO. He could not comprehend. That’s one reason why I share my story.

My decision to divorce my husband was two-fold. Yes, intimacy played a small part, but it was his alcoholism and abusive ways that ultimately led to our divorce. I have forgiven him. We have two wonderful children together and I continue to hear from him every now and then. My ex-husband has since stopped drinking and sought help through Alcoholics Anonymous. Though we have parted ways, through our children, we will always be a part of each other’s life.

I can empathize with your wife feeling as if you are a predator. It’s very hard to imagine what feelings are stirred up when being intimate after having been abused. Please know that with good therapy, her pain will lessen in time. She needs to learn not to paint all men with the same abusive brush.  Remember, it takes time to heal. Being patient and understanding while gaining knowledge will prove to be worthwhile.

Wishing you all my best!

Karen