Comment by Hollis on 24 Feb 2011 at 5:18 pm

Karen,

Did you ever feel alone after your alters integrated? I know you repeatedly share that you are them and they are you BUT I can’t imagine a life without my alters as individual people. My therapist tells me integration is best but not necessary to live. If you could would you make new alters? What if I integrated, regret it and want them back? Is that a possibility?

Thank you, love you, need you and glad you are alive.

Hollis

Dear Hollis,

Interesting questions! I appreciated your concern. I admit there are times I feel alone, but not because of not having my alters as individual people. My alters are me, but while in their separate individual form, I was not aware of their presence. I felt more lonely with my alters present than integrated. At first, I did not know of their existence until late at night when I heard their voices. Later in therapy I knew of my alters actions, but my alters uniqueness became a burden to me. I felt distant while my alters lived my life. A life that I needed to live on my own.

Integration was best for me. I feel so much better making my own decisions without interference from an alternate part of me. I remember all that happens to me now and though I admit to making many mistakes on my own, I am truly grateful to learn from those mistakes and live as one woman.  In my opinion, your therapist is right; integration is best but not necessary.  It’s a personal choice and I chose integration and do not regret the freedom of being one.

Regarding wanting my alters back? No way! Now that I have experienced life as one, I would not trade my present life for a life in chaos. I’m sure that once you integrate you won’t wish to go back either!

Wishing you a safe journey to integration and feeling whole.

Karen