Comment by Melanie on 02 Mar 2011 at 8:30 am

Hello Karen,

Speaking of relationships, in my psych class I thought about you and wondered if after all you have gone through do you still maintain relationships with the abusers of your past and the family members that let you down? How do you end dysfunctional relationships? It is not an easy task. I struggle with distancing myself from my father and mother because of my being abused by them. I married an abuser and divorced, but still talk to him. I would like to know what you do?

You are such an important woman to women like me. Thank you for contributing your story for us to learn from.

Melanie

Dear Melanie,

Thank you for sharing. I am touched to hear that my story helped you. We are important women, and by sharing with each other, our stories, we help to bring knowledge and wisdom.

Maintaining relationships with my abusers was easier when I was switching because I would dissociate the harm they had caused me. With alter help, I would dissociate the abusive part of the abusive relationship and act as if nothing happened or was wrong. That was not a good way to maintain a relationship, but it was the only way I knew how. I learned through my journey that this type of relationship was dysfunctional.

As far as maintaining relationships with family members who let me down, I continue to struggle in this area. I try my best not to enable them, but find that time and again I tend to inappropriately help instead of step back. Since I have a forgiving nature, I sometimes forget how harmful it is for me to engage in distrustful and dysfunctional relations. But I am still learning how to keep my distance or when to terminate a harmful relationship. Family or not, I know it’s in my best interest to stay away in order to prevent becoming a victim again.

This past February 14, the last of my abusers died. My ex-husband died of complications from chronic alcoholism. I have been experiencing something new, knowing that my abusers are gone.  I do feel a bit of sadness that my abusers have all died, but also a great weight has lifted. I feel peace and free to live. I would have liked to hear an apology before each of my abusers died, but that never happened, and it is not my job to judge. I have to let go.

Wishing you all my best in your studies.

Karen