Comment by Mik on 11 Apr 2011 at 12:52 pm

Karen,

I have many times in my youth that I have been told that I’ve done or said something but I dont’ recall any of those situations. I don’t know if what I’ve experienced in my life could cause this to happen or not. I have a hard time talking to peaple from my past/when growing up because I feel like I need to apologize to them all in case I may have said or done something to them. My father killed himself when I was 7 and I carried around the burden that I caused him to do it but I know that I didn’t. I only know things of my childhood based off of stories that I have been told. Sometimes when I hear music I can recall certain situations but…

Could this be something more?

Dear Mik,

It could be something more, but only someone more qualified than I can help you to find out. I dissociated many moments and felt the need to apologize time and again for unknown things. Guilt of the unknown kept me in dark thoughts and feeling depressed. I assume those feelings came from losing a part of me, and the grief that came from that loss.

I’m sorry that you lost your father to suicide.  He must have been deeply troubled and felt hopeless. Being a child of seven years is too young to comprehend what led to your father taking his life. I am not a therapist and can’t give advice, but I can share that therapy can help you sort out all that is troubling you, including causing you to lose time or not remember. Lost memory could be a coping mechanism and a protective shield. Maybe in the safety of meeting with a qualified therapist you can discover these underlying emotions, acknowledge them, and begin your healing journey.

Please know that hearing music that reminds you of a past memory is a trigger. It may be that you are ready to seek help and start your own healing journey. That’s how I started mine. When certain triggers made me aware that something was not right, I knew I needed help. I knew my apologetic nature was coming from my past. In therapy I discovered not only what hurt me, but who I was meant to be.

I have faith in you. Wishing you all my best as your journey begins to unfold.

Karen