Comment by Bruce on 22 Oct 2011 at 2:02 pm

Karen,

I am just finishing reading Switching Time, and I can’t tell you how much of an impression it has made on me. There are many questions I would like to ask, but one is at the top of my list. What do you think your alters really were? Do you think they were really just your subconscious, “pretending” to be other people to help you deal with the horrible abuse you sustained? Or do you think they were real, self-aware individuals whose consciousnesses were independent of yours, even though you shared the same organic body? I’m not sure how to say this without it sounding hurtful, which is not at all what I intend, but after reading the book, I can’t help but feel that they may have been separate individuals, comparable to the original “you,” but who developed in your body after the first “you” did. And, the process of integration really amounted to convincing them to allow their self-awarenesses to be terminated, for them to basically die. Anyway, I would really like to know your thoughts on this. I didn’t see it discussed anywhere in the book.

By the way, a little about me. I do not suffer from MPD. However, starting at about age 11, I had fairly severe panic attacks, frequently many times a day. I believe they may have been the result of a degree of emotional abuse that I suffered when younger. They largely went away in my 20’s and I rarely have them anymore, though I know that I am still a very anxious and insecure person.

Thank you.

Dear Bruce,

Thank you for your insightful questions!  I’ll do my best to answer them. Though it’s always been a mystery to me how my alters worked together to help me through a very traumatic childhood. I’m not sure how it all started, but I believe that from early on something in my mind must have started the process of dissociating the pain I suffered from not only abusive episodes but from being ill and hospitalized, suffering from a brain tumor. I spent much of the first two years of my life in a hospital, once for six months straight. I was told I would die before I reached my teens. I believe I became a victim because my abusers assumed I would die early and not recall anything that happened to me.

That said, with regards to your questions, I believe my alters were all separate selves but not completely whole selves. During a switch, I was an alter and thought of that alter as a different person, not a part. Though realistically we shared the same body, my mind did not perceive that. I never looked in a mirror because when I did, I never saw my original self and that would frighten me into thinking I was crazy. I did not allow mirrors anywhere in the house except the bathrooms. My alters developed after the original me was born, but as each episode of abuse happened, an new alter was either created or that experience was added to an existing alter.  I don’t know if my alters were created by my subconscious, but I know that my alters were not made up as if they were imaginary friends. I did not pretend to be someone else. My alters didn’t die, they merged into me; my alters are me and I am them. Integration merged all of us into one.

Thank you for sharing about yourself. Though I’m not a therapist and can’t give advice, I can empathize with your anxiety and feeling of insecurity. In my opinion there may be something buried deep within you that hasn’t yet surfaced. Perhaps you should talk to someone?

Wishing you all my best!

Karen