Comment by Sue on 13 Dec 2011 at 9:06 am

In reading your story I acknowledged my own past that I was ignoring in hope it would just go away. I was abused from six to fifteen years old and at fifteen was arrested for parental abuse when I used a bat on my father’s back breaking a few of his ribs. I was released because he didn’t press charges probably because he was guilty of raping me and feared I would talk. I am thirty now and had not talked to him in years. He may be dead for all I know. My question is how is it that you did not attack or kill your father? I mean I read your reasons here on your blog but there’s got to be more to it than will power and help from your alters. I don’t have alters but definitely have anger issues. Well now at thirty I am feeling depressed, having nightmares and sometimes even think I am never gonna make it another year. I am inspired by your survival and glad you said healing is a lifetime journey because it sure is. I am not going anywhere and know it will take time to answer my question but glad you still find time for people like me the rare and few who keep silent but need help. Maybe I will find a therapist like you did. I will pray on that. Well, Merry Christmas, beautiful friend!

Dear Sue,

Thank you for sharing your story! I do empathize with you and though I did not attack or kill my father, I had thoughts to do so. But for me, my alters prevented me from acting out on those thoughts by switching into other, less aggressive alternate personalities. I assume this was my alters’ way of protecting me from myself, or rather the outcome of what could have happened if I were to take such actions. I’m still in awe that I never killed my abusers.

My internal chaos and memories of past abuse surfaced in my thirties.  I had matured to the point that I knew all that happened to me was wrong, and my daughter was young and certain things about her triggered flashbacks within me. It was also at that time that my father was arrested for abusing my young niece. I felt sad, depressed, and suicidal, but also relieved when my father died. I was fortunate to be in therapy and under my doctor’s care during those years.

Please know that I am not a therapist and can’t give advice.  I encourage you to seek help with a qualified therapist. Please do not try to heal on your own. It takes teamwork and support to heal from past abuse. There are good therapists out there and I have faith that you will find one that you can form a relationship built on trust.

Wishing you all my best as you continue your journey to wellness.

Karen