Comment by Joanie on 03 Jan 2012 at 3:50 am

Hello Karen

I bought your book as something to read over the Christmas holidays as DID is something that I find fascinating. Having since finished your story and read through your blog archives, I have some questions, if you don’t mind:

1) Whilst it has no doubt been invaluable to you to have Dr Baer help you the way he has, has he ever spoken with you about the influence your therapy had on his marriage? Reading between the lines in the book, I take it his wife was unappreciative of the attention you required.

2) I consider it vital to acknowledge our past, in order to prevent repeating history, however at some point one has to move on. Do you find that this blog and our requests for answers to our questions has you constantly revisiting a time in your life that perhaps you’d like to just put behind you? How are you moving forward? Do you have a career, hobbies, friends, etc outside the scope of your time with DID that allows you to firmly focus on the here and now?

3) When you write about Dr Baer, you always say “respectful friendship”, which in my mind sounds strange. I would suggest most friendships are by default respectful. Is there some value that you put on that term that you feel it is important to get across to us, your admiring, curious supporters?

4) Finally, for something random and light-hearted – what is your favourite movie and song?

Many thanks Karen, for your time reading my submission to you. I truly wish you the best of luck for your future, whatever it entails.

Warm regards

Joanie

Dear Joanie,

Very interesting questions!  Some of the answers can only come from Dr. Baer, but I will try my best. I know Dr. Baer had many years, I believe twelve years, of college and medical school to learn to treat patients as a doctor and psychiatrist.  All doctors spend a lot of time servicing patients in their chosen profession. Dr. Baer is human like the rest of us, and ANY job can take a toll on a marriage. Dr. Baer and I talked more than a few times about my marriage but he never once made me feel guilty for causing any marital turmoil in his. Although Dr. Baer had training to separate his feelings from his work, it would be humanly impossible for him to not be affected personally by treating me. I tried my best not to share too much at one time, but as therapy proceeds, once the faucet has a leak and is turned on full blast, it’s hard to simply shut it off. My therapy was once a week for 45 minutes, and two or three times a week we spoke by phone from anywhere from 5 to 20 minutes on average, totaling about 120 maximum minutes of talk time per week.  Minus that time from 10,080 minutes per week makes a very low percentage of his time. Of course, Dr. Baer had other work to do in between my sessions, but that was his time, not mine. I was not that important to cause chaos to his marriage. His divorce was, I believe, not my fault.

Regarding my answering questions on this blog being a trigger to my past, no, I’m past that pain and find I enjoy bringing hope to others by answering their questions. I’m rarely triggered in a negative way by these questions. I believe it’s important to share my story and I hope someone will feel better by knowing me through my answering these questions. We all need to take a step back now and then to share our lessons.  I’m glad to be of help. This is growth for me. I have matured past my time of being a victim. I’m a survivor and it’s my desire to share how I survived.

I use the phrase “respectful friendship” often in my writing but they’re actually Dr. Baer’s words. I choose to use this phrase out of respect. I hold a special place in my heart for Dr. Baer and consider him as my family. My alters most certainly felt that way and I always say he re-parented me. I believe Dr. Baer use of the words “respectful friendship” means that we have a strong, non-sexual, platonic, non-enabling, non-threatening, mutual friendship bred out of trust and appropriate boundaries. But to me that means that after all that we have been through, we will always share a special bond that came from respecting each other. I know it can sound strange, but truthfully, how can anyone define the many levels of trust, respect, hope, and admiration we shared?  It would take more words than I could write. Treating me has changed both of us. And I truly respect him for all that he has done to help me live.

I am glad to end this reply on a good note regarding my favorite movie and songs. I have so many favorite songs that I couldn’t choose. But today I did watch the movie Mama Mia with Meryl Streep for the tenth time because I love musicals. My current most favorite song is written and sung by Warren Jacobs “In Christ.” Thank you for asking!

Wishing you all my best!  Hope I answered some of your questions.

Karen