Comment by Sam on 17 May 2012 at 3:51 pm

Karen

It has been determined that D.I.D. is a form of being abused to an extreme yet many have been abused. What makes someone dissociate instead to working though the ups and down that come from being abused? Why do some people who were abused turn to drugs and alcohol, violence and bad behavior and others like you who are nice and giving but hurt so badly you could not live as one person? What causes a person to be one or the other?

Dear Sam,

Thank you for your question. I’m not sure why I dissociated in order to survive. My life continues to be a mystery to me in many respects. Growing up in a violent household with repetitive abuse may have caused my mind to fragment into being many part persons, in order to escape the experience of abuse. The way I see my survival is as a God-sent coping mechanism, beyond my comprehension and control, but it gave me an ability to live my life.

Though dissociation protected my memory kept me safe from inner turmoil, at school I was bullied. My classmates could never figure me out. I appeared distant most of the time. I suffered severe headaches, and I appeared shabby while sporting many bruises. No one, including the Catholic nuns who taught me, paid me any attention. I was a loner, neglected, and pretty much hid in plain site. I was not popular, cried a lot, and avoided making friendships.

Abuse is abuse. How each person experiences abuse is through his or her own unique way of surviving the trauma that comes from being a victim.  Mine happened to be through dissociation. I was fortunate not to turn to drugs and alcohol for more than a few reasons. For one, I was forced to clean up the empty beer bottles every morning after my father’s parties, which held beer dampened cigarette butts. This smell alone disgusts me, and to this day I can’t tolerate the smell. Another reason is I needed to be vigilant at all times in order to switch alters. If I was under the influence of alcohol, I could not function in survivor mode. I needed to be on my best behavior at all times to mask the truth of my multiplicity.

I believe my multiplicity was a God-sent miracle, an ultimate survival mechanism. I was lucky. I thank God and Dr. Baer for getting me through many difficult times.

Wishing you all my best!

Karen